Group of Prayer
Thanks to my spiritual director I could find a chink out of the maze of my mind.
I realized that I never need to come to terms with whatever offends the honest person.
Life is a collection of beautiful and less beautiful moments where problems, at times, have the upper hand and lead us off the serenity and hope of the future. From childhood I have always been a cheerful and aware person for whom difficulties are part of life, to be faced with the decision to find, sooner or later, a solution.
In the years I did not consider to much on how was changing my life, I got calm telling me that they were the difficulties, diseases and the wickedness of the people who had changed my way of perceiving the existence. My mind was imprisoned by too much fear, even a simple wrong word said by anyone, provoked me anxiety and anguish that lasted for a long time; at the end I realized that I had suffered excessively for a small thing.
I was a prisoner of my thoughts and I could not understand why, despite the efforts, I could not break this mental stillness. I was locked up in a labyrinth from which I did not know to find the way out. The intellect kept me warned of exaggerated importance attributed to the opposition, but...
In the mind it had entered a huge uncertainty that made me doubt every decision. It got to the point of not knowing decide, I therefore need a continuous comfort of a few people who assured me of the goodness of my act. Where could I find those certainties to decide of my life?
I was plunged into a paradoxical situation where doubts, fears, anxieties and anguish had become the companions of my days. The resignation now dominated me and I knew that if I had not found the solution I would never free.
So I began to reflect on my past. I reviewed when I was young cheerful, happy and optimistic, features that were part of my personality. These peculiarities after marriage have slowly turned off to have entered a totally different lineage from mine. There prevailed the tyranny and oppression. Accustomed as I was to consider the reasons of others, to listen to the feelings and the reasons of the heart, I lost.
My husband, in spite of the declarations of love, leaving me at the mercy of the evil of his family and I, thinking he took a victim, I justified it. His actions towards me and the children, however, were marked by prevarication and so my mind could not understand what the reality was.
Supplications to Jesus
Prayer became my only shelter, I begged ardently Jesus to come to my rescue. Jesus welcomed my heartfelt supplications giving me the grace to know a spiritual director. From there I started a spiritual journey that has allowed me to open the eyes of the soul. I realized that I had stifled my entire ideal, my every dream; in summary I had turned off all myself.
Including through the spiritual director that the mistake was to fully trust my heart to a person very different from me. I thought to change his bad personality, but I was not possible. My husband insisted that I should be completely to his way of thinking and acting. He even obliged to pursue his projects were divergent from mine. His arrogance instilled fear and terror to me and so I had to give up living. I pandered to avoid discussions and disputes, not to the children suffer, to not compromise our union.
I had decided on his own
I thought that the only solution was to accept the arrogance of my husband and so, without realizing, I let rip. My mind had become his and his family, and I thought I was acting according to their approval. My thoughts as my ideas had dissolved into thin air that was a tender love which was swallowed by the abyss of his possession.
I understood then that to live I should oppose to its bullying and harassment, because you cannot get by chasing other people to a project if this leads to the death of the soul and the inner emptiness.
Thanks to my spiritual director I could find a chink out of the maze of my mind. I realized that I never need to come to terms with whatever offends the honest person. Now I am convinced that we are created by God with the intelligence to take useful and good decisions for our living, not with arrogance but with ideas and suitable love to be completed with your loved one and decide with her the best solution.
This painful experience has taught me:
- We must be attentive to the person to entrust with their hearts and their lives, because if the person is dry will do everything to make you a slave to his desires, break your dreams and make you unhappy.
- I understand that we must always listen to the intellect that always suggests what's right to do. We should not follow in any way the other person in his folly, indeed you must find the strength to fight for what you think is right.
- I understood that to rediscover the joy and serenity, you have to accept people for whom they are. If you are not good we must pray for them so that Jesus converts their hearts and grant peace in our hearts to free it from any rancor.
Now with the help of Jesus I have assimilated all these things and my existence came back happy. We are content and happy; the people who had transgressed me respect me because I have found the courage to fight for what I believe. As if by magic he has dissipated the sense of fear that had chained me for a long time to evil.
I wish to thank Jesus, my spiritual director, to the brethren of the Invisible Monastery who have supported me with their prayers. Yes, the darkness of my mind has been won by the dazzling light of the Truth which has returned to my soul's breath, joy and the ability to fly in God's sky.