Everyone leaves his personal trace doing his usual job. Developing our own talents is something different (we must know them)::
- we must know our physical and intellectual capabilities and our strength before undertaking whichever activity".
I humbly admit that I envy other people’s talents (for example my mother who has intuition in various things, my colleague who are better or more beautiful or thinner than me, etc.) and I am often a spoilt and capricious child, who stamps its feet if it cannot obtain what it wants!
Sunday 21 st
When my teacher made me firmly to notice those aspects of my character I was stung in my pride. My first reaction was not to call him any longer (he thinks that this is a further demonstration that I strongly depends on other people’s judgement!) and to go bed swearing revenge against him! Each time I go bed I shirk reality I loose certainty and hope (indeed I automatically say that I do not want to have relationships with anybody). It is a rebellion to what I am hearing: it hits me and I refuse to face it!.
"On the way to the virtues you are subjected to your vices (for me in particular egoism, my egocentrism: I am a capricious child) to your vainglory (pride and the attention to the weight as it was a value): in my specific case, when they are not satisfied a "delirium" of the mind is caused! I realise the fault but I do not see a solution and I fall in the desperation given by the nonentity! it is important to stand up and to go on!".
Instead of thanking God for what he has given me, I want to obtain in any case what I wish and I will hate Him if I am not satisfied (I feel very angry) and moreover I want always to succeed, I do not accept failures or imperfections; in order to be sure of the good result, particularly when it is a new subject, I always ask for someone helping me, I hardly accept to support the "challenge" alone, because I was grown in such a way by my parents (they have avoided me to experience errors and mistakes as they were too protective, they loved me too much) and also because I have not any knowledge of my forces (self-esteem).
"I am afraid of NEW. I run away as I am afraid of failing and I do not esteem myself, and also because in many things I have always had everything given on a plate".
That is why I acknowledge myself in the following words of the book "A look on the soul" of the twins Guelpa, page 29: "It is recommended that young people yet start to train for life in order to become fearless fighters. However some parents fondle irresponsibly their children and they do not know that... when they become adult they will find impassable the obstacles on the life way. Therefore they will become angry against their neighbours and they will live in continuous agitation."
"The Gentleman can change the events of the life and turn everything into Grace. Nearly always the fulfilment of a project passes through suffering (both physical and spiritual)". "Through the suffering the person acquires an unassailable faith! The best persons have had the biggest problems! They have found firm certainties. Those persons themselves comment on their cases: I have found now that joy of living I did not have before when I was just vegetating!".
Wednesday 31 st
I have hardly compelled me to stand up, even if the temptation would be to stay in bed. My first thought was the weight (difficult bound to break). Then I have taken the book "A look on the soul" and have read further on for one hour. I let me to be dragged by its wave. I wished it my hearth was already imbibed by something else.
Reading the words of page 48: "It is fundamental being on alert because pride. It is recommended not to be proud on having done something, on oneself", I felt free, quicker in my actions, and I looked at the world around me with other eyes! All this has involved also my physic: I have breathed deeply, "New Air". I cannot explain completely what happened, but in that moment I perceived that something inside me was breaking and it would allow me to do more: I found Hope to be able to project myself into a "different World" with a different behaviour.
In the same time I identify myself every day in the words of page 51: "When this reality is above the capability of the mind, people do not try to understand any longer and they give explanations reassuring their soul. However in this way they just postpone to tomorrow the rendering of the accounts". I often use this mechanism, but this quiet is not enough for me. My Thirst exceeds my capability and it aims to be quenched by something else
In this book the Soul finds wonderfully what it does not dare to say to itself, both Good and Evil... Some points are difficult to be tackled because they put you in front of truth; other points are imbibed by Infinite Sweetness... So, through this book, God is talking to me, His daughter, with full powers: this is the pedagogy of god.
I think to my job which seems to go away more and more with my inner desire to start again... It seems now difficult to me going on with joy in the every day routine. It is difficult not to be the centre of the attention, as before, to have something new every day bolstering the morale and particularly the interest and the determination... I know that these elements have been very important for my success in my job - and in the relationship - and when they have turned into habit everything has collapsed!!
Then the mind, which had gradually lost interest, given up hope and consequently the certainty to succeed, has created an escape, of which it will never go out: the obsession! So I have fallen in the anaesthesia, without self-esteem and my mind has created a new Angela. I justified my behaviour, I answered myself but the others did not understand what it was not even clear to me.
Thanks to the prayer I have got over and now I feel pleasure in the things.
In the time I have at my disposal I try to do just what I wish, what I like, because only in this way I can listen to myself and realise how strong I am. Then I find SELF-ESTEEM again, when I do what I like without depending on the outside and when I decide on my own! It is not easy to listen to oneself, but when I manage I am always very glad!
I am rebuilding myself from the foundations, therefore this could be called: "the travel of Angela reconstructing herself."
"Disesteem (the right of not existing) and pride are two faces of the same medal!".
Here are some examples of my teacher. They better explain what said before: "Pride does not forgive that persons change idea about myself, because in this case my glory in the human enviroment would diminish. Some people have lived for years believing that God could not forgive them some actions: in effect it is just pride indulging in the infinite omnipotence as it cannot effort its fault!".
"A person usually accepts her mistakes and she goes further on her way. If a proud person, on the contrary, makes a mistake, she will hide, she will escape and she will not meet the others: Pride cannot effort any shame!".