Sunday 16 th
Let’s analyse the causes:
* On one side this is due to the fact that I have always had everything given on a plate and with this matter I have always charged my parents. Therefore I have never tried to solve such problems;
* On the other side I do not understand the fascination of the cooperation, but I always put myself on the top.
With regard to this my teacher told me about a very spiritual friend who was in a great suffering. He, therefore, proposed her to pray together asking God for force and help. She refused explaining that as the Gentleman did not listened to her prayers, it would be useless to pray together. "This is a sin due to pride, pertaining to those people who do not believe in the power of the union of attempts".
* On one other side it also depends on the person proposing me different reading and a different solution of the practical problem... "Here the clashing relationship with my parents, in particular with my father, is brought up. Am I sure of his love, can I say that he loves me?". I doubt as a father should drive his child on the ways of the life. However I experience this clash badly because he is in any case a parent whom I must respect and love.
In this period I can go out with my group of friends only if it does not cause the usual "paranoia" or questions, the usual problems of comparing or of not understanding the topics developed and so on "I understand that these meetings are good for me from the fact that I come home happy, joyful: I have enjoyed the company and I have ripened".
Later at home I MUST NOT DREAM about a particular boy, but now I must only enjoy the friendship. Moreover, if there is no malice, I shall accept the camaraderie between us.
"Before giving confidence and opening my heart to my next one I must be careful, know the person, the intentions".
To this concern the words at pages 13 and 14 of the book "A look on the soul": Very clarifying. It is love which links us and puts in communion our spirits, joins mine with yours to build ours... From the human point of view, on the contrary, love is only attraction, desire whatever else able to satisfy the concupiscence, but unable to engender something higher which allows sharing joys and pains… at the end you will surrender to the loneliness, even if you have many persons beside you, you will be alone. Who, in fact, will love you if you do not answer when the other one is in need? If he wishes to walk with you hand in the hand on the ways of the life, and you do not want to accept because you are afraid to lose something. I have experienced many time such feeling. I have sometimes established a “scrolling” relationship with the others (also my parents), as I have used them to have confirmations in order not to be alone. I cannot really love! Love is something different!
"I must be reconciled, or better, I must close completely with a part of my past: it has been proved that a loss or mourning gets over in two years!".
I must compel my mind to think that my ex-boy friend is dead forever, he does not exist any longer, he cannot affect me! This is not because I feel anger and rancour, but in order to keep me away from him who has hurt me so much, who has tortured me!
After two hours of talking I have experienced a true liberation: way of liberation!
Friday 21 st
I am happy again! The power of all this, obviously, is the choice to pray constantly although the difficulties, to fulfil this commitment; so I turn my humble Praise to the Gentleman in different ways!
My teacher, then, explains to me: "When for example I do some physical activity, when the muscle acquires vigour, I feel well and all my physical essence has well-being with exchange between body and spirit and voiceovers: the well-being or the malaise of the body involves the soul and voiceovers. This is why I am hungrier and I take my meals with more appetite. I think then that I must recover the wasted energy and eat more! But it is not really the matter: the WELL-BEING releases energy and I, unconsciously, eat to compensate it.
This happens also when I feel free and I can express myself spiritually as I like".
"On the contrary, when I have no positive energy I feel a sort of cap, I feel bad and I am less hungry".
"I sing and I am well: I feel well-being because my mind associates some actions to the joy of living! When I hide myself in bed I feel malaise, and I do not eat".
My teacher tells that: "Angela who seeks refuge in the fantasy is Angela who refuses the reality! The fantasy is refuge, compensation. It would be impossible to live without it".
"When I enjoy the Nature, when the wind blowing in the trees caresses my face, I feel in peace and I would like to stay there forever; should there be no engagements! In other words: if the thunderstorm Suddenly arrives, the wind becomes threatening and I run away because I do not feel well there!".
"This means that, if I do not have the elements giving well-being, I will compensate with the fantasy that is nothing else than a compensation of the brain which cannot tolerate a continuous malaise".
I must face the reality, but it is to be faced with a stronger spur, with the energy given by the enthusiasm of reaching summits.
My teacher goes on as follows: "Usually a normal person does not analyse its mechanisms; however it is by tilling and cultivating the land that the good plants grow. Weeds choke what is good. Metaphorically I am tilling my land!".
I cannot not avoid to report the very nice words, which are my daily prayer, taken from "Prayers for a Way of love" still written by the twins Guelpa: "Do not leave me in the darkness of pride, help me to extirpate the weed choking me. Do so that the little plants of the virtues are watered by your Grace. Nothing is due to me, my God. Only the immense sacrifice of the Cross makes me to hope".
Monday 24 th
It is certain that I can have arrived to this point only thanks to the way I have covered until now. The easiness with which I organise my days, the desire to do, to program, the "inner inputs" given when I observe myself in the development of my actions, are the fruit of the teaching received. Every day I am astonished by something new.
I am slowly freeing myself from some ceremonials which were the chains that I have broken: it is surely easy to have again some deep-rooted behaviour, but the mind is free to act now, to say "I want". Therefore there are Certainty and Hope! I am also aware of the huge Grace in receiving, through my teacher, the loving cures of the most excellent Doctor: God Father! Surely I was called to check my life and to think about some of my certainties! Loveliness however recalls authority and consequently constancy, hard work from my side to look at the top without enjoying the first success!... At page 76 of the book "A look on the soul": "If you have a success, your pride will try to convince you that you are the best. Do not listen to it because you will fall into spiritual pride".
I identify myself in the wayfarer described in the book “A look on the soul" at page 66 of which I am reporting only some words: "A wayfarer walking in the sunny plain would like to rest under the shadow of a whichever also stunted tree, to find relief against the hot sun, but he will not stop if he has firm in mind the desire to find true shadow. When he arrived in the yearned forest, he will enjoy the cool".
Listening to our inner in order to know what we strongly need, finding the true essence by doing what we like to do and in the meantime breaking the chains which choke us, are well explained procedures in this book! Through it all people can begin a way of liberation and review of their own certainties and everyone in different ways with what I have written.
At page17 of the book "a look on the soul" the following words are written down: "The Spirit has a voice speaking to the intellect for means of the conscience. If you do not hear it, also after evil actions, it means that you have killed it. Stop a while and listen to the voice of the soul". And further at page 115: "Perhaps looking for the imperceptible things seems superfluous. However many small impurities build hard sandstone, like the mortal sin, able to choke the strongest being. Many people, as they believe that the venial sins are less powerful, make their soul to give up under the weight of a mountain of little faults. The spiritual elevation is attained by winning just the small weaknesses hard to extirpate".
The last part of “the Prayer of consecration to the sacred heart of Jesus” says: "Come in every heart, Jesus! Knock; knock at the door of our heart. Be patient and persevering. We are still closed, because we have not understood your will yet. Knock restlessly! Have, good Jesus, that we will open our hearts at least when we remember your Passion suffered for us!". These words hit me and I cannot avoid feeling sorrow as I contribute to feed His thorns and therefore His pain because of my sins!