I wish to give my heart

God, here is my heart, I wish give it to you

Venerdì 14
Who will take me away from your love; You have given your life on the cross for me "and further on: "Come to me and I will restore you"!
In the previous days I had already taken the book "A look on the soul", but there were lack of feeling in my heart: I could not deal with its deep truths with my soul’s eyes, even if I tried and tried again! And at page 107: "why do you feel nothing for Him who suffered on the cross for you? It is a mortal, cooling indifference". Each moment He shouts to me from the cross: "Do you see how much I love to you", nevertheless I take no notice. And still at page 96: "Jesus, shall your words be heard, but particularly in our heart... We surely wish to give fruit plentifully and that vine-shoot is pruned, but secretly we hope that vine-dresser still waits". Gentleman, truly, talk to my heart through your Word, because my interpretations are not the truth!. It is very easy to personally adapt your teaching, but this is not the true way!
I have resumed the every day prayer and the spiritual reading. And... I have finally ended the book "A look on the soul" feeling joy for having met this goal! I now wish to read it again because it seems to me that it has accompanied me in every step of my travel. It is the Grace of the Spirit speaking by means of it to my inner directly: sometimes when darkness comes unfortunately I go away and I forget it; however when at the end I come back thirsty to the Source, I result always stronger!

In this book some topics are restlessly repeated. This can be explained by the fact that "Something" has entered the soul of the Authors; it is a "Force" beyond the human understanding, but when the soul perceives and accepts it, it is eager to repeat it many times without being satisfied! In other words, it cannot be silent!
Such formulation of the book is for me personally very useful because enter my Soul and feeds it even if I do not want as it were powerful "sublimating messages". And we young people know what this means and how important is for us to choose what is good for us!

Today's talk with my teacher has had words of warning and firmness lovely: "If I understand what the antidote to the poison is, if I understand which actions make me happy and give me Hope and Certainty again, also listening to my inner, then I must stop saying: "I want", but just say "I must"!". There must be absolutely the will to do and to say “stop now!". In this case prayer must be constant, above everything, to avoid ups and downs! This shows how much I believe in the Power of its Grace! Therefore I must not rely only on the Prayer of people loving me as the reason of their life is love, but on my prayer, on my own, learning to listen to whatever God is telling me directly!". At page 105 of the book “A look on the soul: "His words, blessed are those who clean our clothes, look after us every day and make us to think, to examine every day our conscience".

We are responsible for a lot of our suffering... Just a little is caused by the others. However we decide to stay in such situation even if we know that we are damaging ourselves as well as the others and we do not break the chains choking us. The Gentleman, although his Infinite Mercy, cannot be pity for these persons who are not sincerely ready to accept help offered with Love and Charity.

"Indeed, He is also Justice! He is moved by everyone is asking for help whereas he is subjected to external forces. It is like you have an umbrella and you do not decide to open it even if it is raining. Obviously, I can also believe that in any case nothing will change, but in effect "I decide myself whether I want to built the presuppositions for the eternal life or for hell. God leaves us free to choose. I am the only responsible for my actions, not the others.
It is like saying: - I am an eagle and I have the wings for flying freely in the sky, but I do not want using them! - ".

Sunday 16 th
Today new mile stones have been settled. I can refer to them after having listening to myself on my own...
"I must face some truths, understand what is right. I understand what is right when I ask myself how I am, how and when I am happy and I go on listening to me".
"I must face some truths, understand what is right!".
I understand what is right when I ask myself how I AM, how and when I am happy and I go on listening to me"

Try and believe: it is better to be happy than hopeless! I want to be happy and I am experiencing it. It has never happened, as far as my teacher knows, that a young person has found what makes him happy and he has given up. Why should it be different for me!
For me it is more than one Hope:
- It exists a spiritual and generous Angela who is lovely and affects the others with love, who feels the warmth of her neighbours and at the same time wishes to return it: this is the true Angela!
- It exists Angela who admires the Nature in its shadings and is moved by the spiritual songs!!!
- Angela has realised that the prayer is the whole for her!
And my teacher says: "the prayer helps the Reason of the Spirit: the soul shouts its reason and the prayer is its ally!!".

The Grace of the Spirit still blows through my teacher and the words of the book "A look on the soul". The aim is not to be as I was before but to cover a way to the maturity aware of the fact that I have been receiving a lot and I am called to engage myself seriously and to go on in such engagement! Effective are the following words of the book "A look on the soul" at page 18: To settle a wonderful mechanism between the will and the action." and at page 128: It must be reminded strongly that no spiritual advance exists without fight. To be Christian means to take a radical decision involving the person entirely. Only you must definitively decide to proceed in the way joining with will and desire in order to find a spurring force in the heart.

Each time I break a chain I build "the house on the rock" more and more and my foundations become more solid...
"In spiritual way you go on step by step; Perseverance produces many fruits!" However you must be on alert to defend what you have achieved from the attacks of pride always in wait!".
Warnings are for me the following words at page 113 of the book "A look on the soul": "We have seen, heard and experienced the power of God, however we must not bask in settled experiences or in acquired merits, because everything is gift indeed, many people whose prayers have been met become proud... Many people after having found comfort or recovery do not thank the Mercy of God heartily. So, in the time, they will lose the ardour for the prayer, heart will cool and they will abandon the virtuous way. The inactive will is captured by the senses until the perdition... Persevering is fruitful!".
The main topic in this book is PRIDE: it is the big chain to break. It encloses all the others which are its various aspects! I have begun to take it into consideration;
I have known it reading this book. I have tried to recognise it, to check carefully where it could hide in my daily actions, in particularly those I delighted in! I was really proud of some of my actions where I was unconsciously a prisoner. I have understood how an "ugly beast" it is, if I can use this word. It is not casual that in the last chapters of the book the beautiful text of the Beatitudes is quoted: a great part of them are attainable only if you have no pride, what allows you to see God!

It is wonderful that just the "work" of listening what is coming out from myself and realising what I wish, what deeply motivates me has revealed the true Angela and today I can have more than one Hope. I feel that steps made in my travel of reconstruction are wonderfully fitting in...

My teacher however points out that: "The ephemeral Angela, chained by the every day control of the weight, still exists! This is in contradiction with the other aspects: according to my teacher, the problem must be solved with determination, for example giving the balance to my mother".

"There is still Angela with the chains of the defeats and the renunciation. I must understand why Angela is afraid, why she refuses to face some problems avoiding them, why she does not react as the others do. If I face this obstacle beginning from the small things I will then be able to face the bigger ones. I must surely be reconciled with some aspects of my remote or near past... Moreover, there is still a block in my mind preventing it to say no!".

Taking to myself my spiritual part has freed me from the horrible temptation to rebel to God this is because my mind, as it could not find any solution and feeling chained, rebelled dishonourably against Him, plunging in evil. This is another consequence of the MENTAL MADNESS, which bereaves the human being of his true Nature, that is “flying on the wings of the Spirit.
With God I am happy now and I am enjoying His delights again: I must keep always in my soul what I am feeling now. The soul is god’s home.