"Certainty is in myself and it is not to be found in smiling, moving or in the assent of my occasional next one!".
- I found all my certainties and therefore my self-esteem in my work as there, for a while; I was praised and assured about my capabilities. "This is the clear demonstration that I strongly depend on the others, on their judgement". Indeed I plunged myself in my work: I felt at home on my work place, I fell in love with it (whenever do you fall in love with your work?!?). It was the centre of everything: it very often was the subject of my conversation at home, as well as with relatives and friends. I took a lot of care of my look too, not really for myself but always depending on the outside and comparing myself with the women around! When all this turned into routine and new troubles came everything collapsed!
- That is why it is necessary that in this period of reconstruction I develop new interests as well as attention to the present events in the world: in other words "I need to be gradually interested in things others than my work, for example spiritual writings, books, Internet, humanistic topics, paying attention to my family wishes, etc."
- I must not deprive myself of the pleasure to do what I like and I wish just because I feel guilty as I don’t work and … what will people say if I do one or one other thing…! "I am slowly coming out from a certain situation and I must answer for my actions no other people than myself: it is like asking someone to run when he is just rehabilitating his limb".
Consequently I must not shame myself if I am called Doctor even if I am not working now: the title is true, I haven’t stolen it! Then what would it be about barons or princes?
- As I have known new interests in this period I can talk with my friends about what I am Discovering, psychology, for example, computer, etc.
"The others are not always ready to judge me for what i say or i do and consequently to sum up: it is only my mind that puts in action these mechanisms of reasoning as it is enslaved by its fixations!".
"You must just learn that, realising and experiencing (try and see) all desires coming out from yourself (also at a spiritual level), you can understand and sort which are true desires or just biasing from outside!" that is why my teacher has suggested me to do what I like, because in this way I am ready to listen to what is really coming from myself! If I do what I like I really pay attention to my needs.
"I must consider this given time as time of grace, for my reconstruction". I must not feel guilty because I do not work, I must spend this time to listen to understand what i like to do! I will realise that it is not so difficult to do what I like.
Everyone likes doing what he wishes: it costs nothing and spurs him to improve, to know about and to go on".
Studying is boring and if you are not interested it becomes a hard work. You are not keen on it; you do it because you must without enthusiasm.
That is why, after my "awaking" I was firstly suggested to do what I liked doing: only in this way we can become enthusiastic over what we are doing. As an example, publishing through Internet some notes written down in the computer: it could be useful to someone and exciting in the same time. It is much more exciting if it will be useful to many people, as it could be for the description of a personal inner situation.
" In this way sooner or later unknown creative desires will arise. When I write and I compare ideas, I try to do something new. “Acting makes me to realise that I am not stupid and I consequently feel self-esteem.
Even if I do not know a topic the acquaintance of it is fascinating
* NB: " A work, I am doing, should not imbibe myself completely!".
"Devo utilizzare solI should just use the effort required. On the contrary I want to understand deeply everything I am doing, as I investigated it with x-rays".
"Finding out that I can do what I like independently and when I wish progressively increases my self-esteem and above all the certainty that things can be simply done, without problems, without troubles! Every day’s events can be faced quietly without believing that it is an exploit every time! "If it is something new for me I will accept it: it will become routine (repeated things are acquired). This is true for all normal persons".
"If it does not happen to me it is because I have always been conditioned by the fear to be wrong, not to admit a possible mistake, to fail. All this causes such a tension to me that I cannot fix and therefore my work is a waste of time, it is not profitable and I have not acquired anything! my mind sets this state, this mechanism as normal and it systematically puts it in action with great waste of energies".
* Considering perfect every thing to do just for own pleasure is incorrect: you must be able to evaluate each action for spending no more energies than required!
In this period I do as follows: