Invisible Monastery
of Charity and Fraternity
 

FROM DARKNESS TO LIGHT

The news
Two days before Christmas, for me the most beautiful day of the year, I was diagnosed a terrible cancer to the breast. My world was collapsing: suddenly all certainties, joys and every perspective of future had dissolved like snow in sunlight. Within one moment I found myself in darkness, anguish overwhelmed my mind blocking every reasoning and thought, and fear fed my desperation. I had no references, I did not know what could I do, I was in despair and unconsciously I looked for the booklet of prayers of the Invisible Monastery of Charity and Fraternity and I prayed. At the same time I have asked for your aid, beloved brethren, in order to address to Jesus my call so that I find courage and force to face what I thought was the last test of my life.

The Hospital
Since I was young I had always been afraid of the hospital environment, and now I had to face also this fear and at each appointment an anxiety seized and choked me. Quiet moments followed the difficult ones thanks to the power of the prayer; all people around me offered their help.

I talked to Corrado of my problem during a long telephone call after which I felt peace, serenity and even the joy to have the opportunity to offer my great suffering to God. That was the first of several telephone calls and thanks to him I could effort also the darkest moments. How many times I have thanked Jesus who had put Corrado near me as tangible sign of the help He was offering me.

Sometimes I was afraid that as I have hurt Jesus so much, I had to face a so great test. I have spent a lot of time to examine my life, in order to find a fact that which could have hurt Jesus. What stupid I was! Only later after I have understood that Jesus loves us so much that sometimes He corrects us: I realised that I had to submit myself to His will: he only could be my force.

First surgical operation
For the surgical operation fears, doubts and questions about what I would feel and the result of the operation came again, anxiety overwhelmed me and I could not live because I was afraid; however I trusted that Jesus would still help me and I thought to my life full of fears.
The gravity of the diagnosis had caused me total apathy and nothing could be of interest, all that enjoyed me before, now it could not make me to feel any emotion, I only saw darkness in front of me and I felt deep anguish that seemed to have no limits.
Waiting made me nervous and nobody could answer my questions. Humanity shouted its weakness and I experienced my fragility. At the top of my desperation a strange power forced me to recall God and ask for His help, and just in the prayer I found hope and the courage to go on. I realised that firstly I had to win my battle against humanity shouting its infinite desperation and without the help of God I could not have succeeded.

Coming home
I was told the result of the operation: the dangerous cancer had not been removed completely and I would be submitted to e new surgical operation. The world collapsed for me a second time. My mind could not understand what was happening: Which affliction! Nothingness held my soul and I could not see any future; I could not withdraw human fear and suffering.
It was a large and very aggressive cancer that in four months had become five centimetres long, as four months before I dad had a control and no cancer had been found.
My doctor, because of my young age and the dimensions of the cancer, decided to begin a very strong therapy, awaiting the operation.

The Chemotherapy
A very dramatic period began. The chemotherapy was destroying my physical force as well my mind. Nothingness was around me, I could not see a way out of it. How anguish in seeing how I was changing! And now I was afraid that I would be no more able to love. I felt no emotion, it was like a part of my brain were blocked but the other part understood and saw this change to which I was not ready, so that everything seemed still more terrible. How much I have cried! Only in Jesus I found the force not to loose hope that sooner or later everything would be over.
The first chemo-therapies would happen in hospital in four times every fourth week, while I would be submitted to other eight therapies in day hospital.

March
The cure was so long that it seemed interminable. In March I went into the hospital the first time and the anguish provoked me nausea: the fear made my heart to strike so strongly that I felt it even on the neck.
I saw around me a lot of suffering: people were looking sad and extinguished, exhausted by devastating cures made for a long time.
I looked at the wall where the cross of Jesus hung. It seemed that He was telling me “You see how much I suffered!". He had suffered also for me and I thought that I could do something for Jesus: I asked Him what I would still have to face.
After seven hours the first treatment ended and I was so tired that I could not stand up. Come back home I felt nausea as never before, pains to the back and the articulations: I was afraid again..

A long period of suffering
A new long period of suffering began, not only my body was hurt but also my mind: I was changing, I felt nothingness inside me, and I had no emotions. I seemed a different person to me, I had lost my typical joy. The prayer becomes my only powerful ally in order to fight my humanity with its fear and weakness and to give new life to my soul. The following treatments cause always the same problems and every time I came back home the consequences of the cure were always worse.

Allergic reaction
After the second chemotherapy I had an allergic reaction which went on for a long time, causing me a lot of further pain.
Immunity defence was very low and I was afraid about virus, which unfortunately once caused me high fever.
On the way to the hospital I asked Jesus for help and at the same time I called Corrado who prayed for me. At the hospital the results of the analyses said with my immense joy that all values were normal again and I could come back home. I thanked Jesus, as I was sure that He wanted to avoid me a further suffering.

The cure goes on
I was more and more tired and I felt my body dying. With anguish I was realising that I was not strong enough to effort a so devastating cure and just the thought choked me. Nausea was so heavy that my stomach seemed destroyed and I could not eat as it caused me pains for hours.
A night, after the third therapy, I stood up exhausted and I fainted. The doctor said that drugs against nausea had caused a new problem.
I prayed and asked Jesus to help me and as usual He did not disappoint me.

Cycle of light chemotherapy
I was informed that the new cycle of chemotherapy would be lighter; I thought that that worse was over and hope was increasing. I was wrong, because I very soon realised that because of my conditions, I had to stay in bed nearly the whole day. Six months had passed but I had neither strength nor will to fight. In this sadness I was informed that also the second surgical operation had not been definitive. No words can explain my anguish: I had to be operated again! I became very afflicted, while darkness was wrapping me because of an endless torment. I had finished my tears, but I totally relied on the force of the prayer, sure that many brethren were helping me in asking Jesus. I do not know where I would found the energies without Jesus.

Still a surgical participation
I faced the third surgical operation with some more hope: I had experienced the immense force of the prayer and I could hope at this point that pain would be over. During the stay at the hospital I felt Jesus beside me giving me courage. The first days after the operation were of pain but my recovery was so quickly that the doctors were astonished and I left the hospital two days before.

Epilogue
I have thought for a long time about my fair and about suffering which has changed me so much: tests have revealed me the depth and the true sense of the life, and still further I have found the essence of the Love of God, how it has supported me in dark moments. I have realised that love is the only important thing in the life, love given and received while anything else can only upset the daily serenity. The most terrible effect of the cure was on my mind: it has altered the rhythm, the nature and it has provoked such a sense of nonentity, of empty and of darkness that I was not able to talk about such a dramatic experience. I felt alone.
Suffering has destroyed humanity and I had to bear a hard fight between affliction and my soul’s needs which suggested me to rely on Jesus through the prayer.
The aid received from Jesus was wonderful, thanks to the prayers of many brethren and mine: without of you, I would give up. Now I have won the challenge I feel joy and a sense of freedoms, as well as the certainty that I would never be alone, because I will always have Jesus in my heart.
I strongly wish thank all you brethren of the Invisible Monastery of Charity and Fraternity, because God has answered my prayers through you. I can now shout all my joy: I feel as I was born again both in my body as well as in my soul, I will never forget that, through your prayers, you made me able to overcome the longest night of my life.
An Immense reward to Corrado who has been the greatest and most tangible sign of Jesus’ love.
. Costanza 24^th November 2006