Invisible Monastery
of Charity and Fraternity

Life
The life is a summary of beautiful and bad moments where the problems sometimes overwhelmed us and take serenity and hope away. Since from my infancy I have always been a glad person aware that difficulties are part of our life and they have to be faced with decision in order to find a solution sooner or later.

Year after year I did not take care of the changing of my life, but I told myself that difficulties, diseases and people’s badness had been changing my feeling towards the existence. My mind was imprisoned by fears, just a simple wrong word said by anyone, provoked me anxiety and anguish for long time; finally I realised that I had suffered too much for unworthy things.

Prisoner
I was captive of my thoughts and I could not understand the reason, in spite of my efforts, I could not break off my mental steadiness. I was in a maze and I could not find a way to go out. My mind made me aware about the exaggerated importance that I gave to adversities, but...

I had in mind a big uncertainty that made me to doubt of every decision. I could not even decide myself independently; I need a continuous comfort of someone assuring me on the goodness of my actions. Where I would find those certainties for being able to decide of my life?

I had fallen in a paradoxical situation where doubts, fears, anxieties and anguish were present all my days. Resignation dominated me now and I was aware that if did not find a solution I would never be free again.

Thoughts
So I began to think about my past, when I was young, glad, happy and optimistic, characteristic of my solar personality. These particularities extinguished slowly after the wedding, when I had entered a family which was completely different from mine. Arrogance and overpowering reigned there. As I was accustomed to consider other people's reasons, to listen to the feelings as well as to my heart, I lost myself.

My husband, in spite of his love declarations, left me to be overwhelmed by his family and I justified him, as I thought he was a victim, too. His behaviour towards me and our sons however was arrogant so my mind could not understand the truth.

Prayers to Jesus
The prayer became my unique shelter, I asked Jesus with ardour to come and help me. Jesus answered me and granted me the grace to know a spiritual director. From that moment I have begun a spiritual way that has allowed me to open the eyes of my soul. I understood that I had stifled all my ideals and my dreams; in synthesis I had extinguished myself completely.

Thanks to my spiritual director I realised that I had wrongly entrust my heart totally to a person who was very different from me. I thought I would change his very bad personality, but it was impossible. My husband wanted that I completely complied with his thinking and acting. He compelled me to pursue his plans that were different from mine. His arrogance caused me fear and terror and for this reason I had to renounce to my life. I have agreed with him in order to avoid arguments and fights, suffering to our sons, and in order not to compromise our union.

I had decided on myself
I thought that the only solution was to accept my husband’s arrogance so that I did not realise that I had been plagiarised. My mind had become his and his family’s; I acted and thought according to their approval. My thoughts as well as my ideas had been dissolved; my tender love was swallowed by his possession.

Then I understood that for living I would have to face his arrogance and impositions, because it is impossible to live by developing some other people’s project, if it is leading to a dying and empty soul.

Thanks to my spiritual director I could find the small way to go out of the maze of my mind. I have understood that it is never necessary to deal with things which offend honest people. I am sure now that we have been created by God with the required intelligence to take useful and good decisions for our life, without arrogance but with ideas and love suitable to comply with the loved person for deciding the best solution.

Considerations:
This painful experience has taught to me:

• You must pay attention to the person to which you are entrusting your heart and your life, because if the person is lacking feeling he will do his best to submit you to his desires break your dreams and made you unhappy.
• You must always listen to your mind that suggests you what doing. You must not follow the other person in his folly, but it is necessary to find the force to fight for what you think it is right.
• You must accept people as they are if you want find joy and serenity again. If they are bad persons you must pray for them that Jesus convert their hearts and grant peace in our heart in order to free it from any rancour.