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THE KEY - part one
EXT.- SAN FRANCISCO. DOWNTOWN - CRYSTAL BALL EFFECT - DAY
Reflected in the glass of a crystal ball, there is a beautiful woman, MARA, staring
sadly at it:
- From a window washer’s scaffold suspended at the 30th floor of a skyscraper, a
bucket full of detergent begins to fall.
On the sidewalk, one SLIM man buys a newspaper from a vending machine.
The bucket continues to fall. Slim takes two footsteps. He is now just under the bucket.
He stops to read the newspaper headline:
QUEEN OF ENGLAND TO VISIT THE U.S.
He takes another two steps, unwittingly getting out of the way of the imminent danger.
In Mara's eyes, the fear suddenly subsides.
Slim suddenly retraces his footsteps and is directly under the path of the falling bucket.
INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT - EVENING
A miserable basement, poorly furnished. The light bulb hangs from the ceiling hung to an electric wire.
It's always lit. Slim is seated at a low coffee table with the crystal ball in front of him. Mara is reading the future in it.
She lifts her head
MARA
Sorry.
The man gets up from the stool, knocking it over. He leaves slamming the door.
INT.- A LUXURIOUS BEDROOM - CRYSTAL BALL EFFECT - NIGHT
Seen in a crystal ball:
A voluptuous BLOND offers herself on a bed with black satin sheets. An AWKWARD man, around
50, jumps on top of her.
Reflected in the crystal ball, Mara's face appears and, in the background, an obviously excited 50 year old man's face.
A disheveled woman storms into the bedroom and unloads an entire cartridge of a .22 caliber gun
into the buttocks of the man.
INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT - EVENING
The awkward man jumps up, holding his buttocks and cries out in pain.
Mara shrugs her shoulders and holds out her hand to receive her fee. The man gives her the middle
finger.
INT. - A LARGE KITCHEN - CRYSTAL BALL EFFECT - DAY
Seen in the crystal ball:
A HOUSEWIFE is preparing dinner. Reflected in the crystal ball, the contours of Mara's face and
those of a bald FAT PERSON.
A DELIVERY BOY enters with grocery bags. The woman takes away the bags and rips off his shirt
and pants. She ravishes him on the kitchen floor.
INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT - EVENING
Mara is concentrating on the crystal ball:
MARA
...she screws the gardener twice a week, the dairyman every morning but the minister only on Sundays.
The bald fat person jumps up and shouts
FAT PERSON
Shut up! Stop it!
He kicks a stool which falls against a cage, frightening the hen inside.
FAT PERSON
My wife is a virtuous woman! You are the cheap whore !!
FRANK, handsome, 30 years old, Italian-American type, enters and places a large bag filled with packets of popcorn on the table
FRANK
This guy’s a jerk, Mara.
Then to the hen fluttering
FRANK
Shut up, McNugget!
FAT PERSON
She told me my wife’s a whore who screws every man she meets!
FRANK
Keep cool! Mara’s a good fortune teller, but she sees everything upside down, topsy turvy. She told you your wife is having sex with everybody? Terrific! It means she wouldn't even let Tom Cruise have a piece of her ass.
FAT PERSON
Go to hell!
He leaves, very upset. Frank sets all the popcorn packets in a row
FRANK
You told the butcher he was going to amputate one of his fingers and yesterday he chopped off his middle finger with a cleaver. Now, he says, we can’t get meat on credit anymore. He thinks you’re a jinx and we bring bad luck.
MARA
I don't bring bad luck. I just tell people what I see.
She looks into the crystal ball
MARA
Frank, a man is looking for you.
Frank eats a handful of popcorn. The hen clucks and he throws her a fistful of corn.
FRANK
Yahoo, McNugget! Corn for all!
MARA
An important man.
FRANK
Swedish?
MARA
No, he's dark-haired.
Frank fills his mouth with some popcorn and then goes to the bathroom.
INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT. BATHROOM - EVENING
Frank looks at himself in the mirror
FRANK
There are also dark-haired Swedes. He must be from the Nobel Prize Committee. He'll knock on the door and say "Are you the great author, Frank Marcucci?" I’ll bow and he...
MARA (V.O.)
...all confiscated! He's a repo man. He's coming to sell our furniture.
FRANK
What furniture?
He kicks the old detergent box that Mara uses as a stool
INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT - EVENING
Frank re-enters slamming the bathroom door
FRANK
You’re not a fortune teller, you’re a misfortune teller!
MARA
I only tell the truth.
FRANK
Only the truth. Don’t you see what happens with your wonderful truth?
An ambulance passes by with its siren screeching and a puff of exhaust vapor comes through the window. Frank closes it.
FRANK
Mara, the truth is like a woman. She has to be made up, perfumed and dressed. You offer her naked. Today that poor cuckold and yesterday that retired man! He almost had a heart attack.
MARA
It’s not my fault if I predicted he would get run over by a train.
FRANK
But you shouldn’t tell him! Both legs, zap! He wet his pants, you scared him so bad, and you expect him to pay you?
MARA
At least he'll avoid taking the BART.
FRANK
Or he’ll get run over because you frightened him.
EXT. - ALLEY STREET - EVENING
MRS. BROOKS, a busty woman with cheap looks, is pushed against the window gate of a basement
apartment by a PIMPLY-FACE boy who lifts up her skirt.
MRS. BROOKS
What are you doing? Not here, people could see us.
PIMPLY
Good, then people can learn...how it’s done...ah...ah! You are so hot!
MRS. BROOKS
My husband could pass by any minute. You’re crazy. Oh...oh...oh yes...yes...more!
INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT - EVENING
Mara picks up a needle and cuts a piece of thread with her teeth. Frank looks at the couple who is
making love against his window.
FRANK
Mara my dearest, everyone makes loads of money predicting the future, like those ‘900’ call-a-psychic phone lines...
EXT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT STREET- EVENING
Mrs. Brooks and her lover are copulating.
MRS. BROOKS
Yes....more, don’t stop!
INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT - EVENING
FRANK
...to tell the idiots who believe in this stuff, you’re going to win a lottery jackpot, take an important trip, meet your true love, live forever. These are the things you have to predict.
EXT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT STREET- EVENING
The two lovers are climaxing. The light inside the basement goes out.
INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT - EVENING
Frank still has his finger on the light switch and gets closer to the window for a better view.
FRANK
Have you ever read a weekly horoscope saying Cancer signs will drop dead of cancer?
MARA
No...
FRANK
A week doesn't go by that it doesn't happen to Cancers, Virgos, or Pisces. Everybody knows it and each of the morituri has a wife, children, mothers, fathers, lovers, friends ...all born under every sign of the zodiac!
MARA
Very interesting.
FRANK
Reading crystal balls to penniless losers doesn't even pay well. Those so-called psychics with pay-by-the-minute phone numbers are all making lots of money telling people what they want to hear.
MARA
Turn on the light.
FRANK
Hell, it doesn’t even matter what they predict. As soon as their phone rings...ching, ching, the money pours in. They’re all raking in the cash. Everybody except you.
Mara gets up and turns on the light.
EXT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT STREET - EVENING
The illumination causes Mrs.Brooks' passion to subside. She pushes away her lover and fixes her dress.
MRS. BROOKS
They saw us!
The young lover zips up his pants
PIMPLY
Nah, I don't think so. They’d be giving us a standing ovation if they did.
INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT - EVENING
FRANK
You scared that poor innocent woman.
Frank spreads a bunch of newspapers around Mara, while she attempts to thread a needle.
FRANK
Read these horoscopes. Do any of them say "loss of a loved one"? A loved one dies every day of the year but nobody actually predicts it.
MARA
Horoscopes are a rip off. I tell the truth.
FRANK
Why don't you go upstairs and tell Mrs. Brooks' husband he's a cuckold? That’s the truth, isn't it?
MARA
I didn't see it in the crystal ball.
FRANK
But it's the truth. Why not tell him?
MARA
Because he didn't ask me, damn you!
FRANK
Look, it’s not necessary to tell lies. The earth revolves around the sun. It's a fact. It just depends how you explain it. You’d explain it like this...
MARA
Don't be silly.
FRANK
A dirty ball, infested with billions of living organisms who copulate, reproduce, die and decompose, thus entering the food chain of their own children in a neverending cycle of patricide, rotates around a fiery hydrogen cloud that is trapped in a neverending series of nuclear fusion.
Mara exhales and inserts a hen feather in a little cotton sack which she sews all around with tiny
stitches
FRANK
Instead one could simply say: one awesome green-blue planet, spewing life and beauty, cradle of cosmic intelligence, revolves around a marvelous golden star that warms it with its beneficial light.
MARA
Yuck. That’s as disgustingly corny as the Gospel read by a TV evangelist.
FRANK
Hey, those TV preachers are very successful. You can learn a lot from them. Just tell your clients, sweetly, that they’re going to win a pot full of money, spend a week on a deserted island with Marilyn Monroe and run for the presidency of the United States.
MARA
Idiot!
FRANK
Why am I an idiot? As long as you’re giving them candy, and the taste is sweet and in their favorite color, people will happily buy it. And for a good price. See? Promise them money, sex and power and you can charge one hundred dollars or more.
Mara inserts a feather into another pouch and sews it shut
MARA
Perhaps you haven’t noticed that Marilyn Monroe’s been dead for thirty years.
FRANK
Just facing facts. In a man's dreams, it’s always Marilyn that he dreams about.
MARA
I don't sell dreams. Charlatans do that and it's immoral. Get me a couple of feathers, will you?
Frank slips a hand into the cage and plucks a feather from the hen. The hen squawks in protest.
FRANK
Why is it immoral? To make people dream is the strength of all religions.
He raises three fingers like Christ
FRANK
The truth is that tomorrow you will be with me in paradise.
Mara tries to thread another needle
MARA
Religion is like fireflies. To shine, it needs darkness.
FRANK
Tell them a couple of sweet, phoney predictions and folks will cover you in money.
Mara's hand trembles and the tip of the thread misses the needle eye.
MARA
You tell them! I'll lend you my crystal ball.
FRANK
Thanks, but no thanks. I’d only laugh. One has to believe in it, at least a little, otherwise people will realize and won't pay.
MARA
Why don't you find a job instead of giving me a hard time?
FRANK
Life’s a poker game that you play only once and if you keep the low cards you’re screwed! You end up being...
INT. - ROBOT FACTORY - DAY
Frank is dressed in yellow overalls. He is surrounded by robots which besiege him. Long automatic
arms reach out and steel fingers pinch him everywhere.
FRANK (V.O.)
...a crummy little factory worker for fifty years, then retire with a pension that can’t even buy you a can of dog food! Or a bank teller...
INT. - A SMALL BANK - DAY
Frank is a bank teller who is counting money at dizzily fast speed
FRANK (V.O.)
... getting your hands dirty counting other people's money. Or behind a counter...
INT. - CLOTHES STORE - DAY
Frank is helping an argumentative customer
FRANK (V.O.)
...grinning with a pasted-on smile to the customer who’s "always right," who wants it with whipped cream or in stripes or with a square collar or in mauve.
INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT - EVENING
FRANK
If the choice is to play those cards, I prefer waiting for a better hand.
MARA
Especially if I'm the one working instead of you.
FRANK
Until I find myself and make a decision, I don't have a predetermined destiny. I could become anything.
He closes his eyes and continues
Tom and I...
EXT. - MARS LOWLAND - DAY
Martian lowland with red sand. A lander leans at thirty degrees with one leg damaged. A small transparent
dome. Two men in spacesuits with helmets and oxygen tanks, scurry around their spacecraft.
FRANK (V.O.)
...understand that the lander won't be able to take off right away, but we’ll finish our job on the Red Planet until the moment the oxygen runs out.
INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT- EVENING
Frank breathes noisily and with difficulty.
FRANK
Day after day, breath after breath. It will be a long glorious period on the big blue marble.
Mara successfully threads the needle
MARA
You dream about this kind of stuff and I'm the stupid one.
FRANK
Or to win a scholarship in Biology from Princeton. A single objective--to conquer the AIDS virus.
INT. - REANIMATION ROOM - DAY
Frank, restless and with intravenous tubes in his arm, is in an oxygen tent
FRANK (V.O.)
An incredible victory but too late for me. Because I’ve inoculated myself, I’ll be the last victim of the AIDS virus and the first dead one to win a Nobel prize.
INT. BASEMENT APARTMENT - EVENING
Frank falls onto the bed which squeaks in protest.
MARA
You could invent happier endings, you know.
FRANK
Life doesn't have a simple happy ending; unhappily, it just simply ends. Only in fairy tales do they say "and they lived happily ever after - The End". If the fairy tale went on, they’d be saying "happily until the Prince crashed his car into a truck and Cinderella died of food poisoning.
MARA
Well, why don't you write a novel?
FRANK
All literature rotates around one crucial question--why did she take off her panties?
Mara sucks a pricked finger
MARA
I ask myself that same question. Why did Mara take off her panties?
FRANK
Good question. Be politically correct: why I did take off my panties? God could make me queer and...
The point of the needle punctures Mara's finger.
MARA
God didn't make you queer, Frank. He made you an asshole!
Someone knocks and rings the doorbell at the same time.
REPO MAN (V.O.)
Open the door! Repo Company!
Mara gives a gesture of victory
FRANK
We didn't need the crystal ball for that!
The aggressive pounding at the door continues
FRANK
Coming!
He opens the door to find a man dressed in black, carrying a briefcase. His eyes are hidden behind a pair of mirrored sunglasses.
REPO MAN
Are you Marcucci?
FRANK
Yes, I’m Mr. Marcucci.
The man enters and turns up his nose at the unpleasant odor
FRANK
Do you smell feces? It’s McNugget, our feather supplier.
The repo man curls his lips like a horse
REPO MAN
You can appeal the court order, if you like.
FRANK
And we could keep our furniture?
REPO MAN
The seizure is enforceable, but we wouldn't bother to send a truck for this load of junk.
He takes note, checking the inventory and getting closer to Mara
REPO MAN
...a table in bad condition. Two chairs in terrible condition.
FRANK
(pointing out Mara)
A lover in fairly good condition. Is she going to be auctioned off too?
REPO MAN
A second hand lover? Not an item in big demand. Sorry, lady, just joking. A stool in bad condition. A clock that doesn't work. A crystal ball.
MARA
No! I use this for work. It's my livelihood.
REPO MAN
Oh yeah? To me it just looks like a knick knack; a table decoration.
MARA
Tool of my trade. I’m a fortune teller.
REPO MAN
You pulling my leg, lady?
FRANK
She sees it in living color. That's why we don't have a TV.
REPO MAN
Never mind. Cage with...
FRANK
...six pound hen with a bald, plucked ass. It's work related, too.
The man points to the little sacks sewn by Mara
REPO MAN
What are they?
MARA
Amulets.
REPO MAN
If you can really read the future, can you look at mine?
MARA
Sorry, I need to be calm in order to concentrate.
REPO MAN
Hey, if you’re nervous because of me, how about this? I didn't find you.
He tears up the paper he's been writing on
REPO MAN
And you can prove to me that you really use this crystal ball here to make a living.
FRANK
Make him happy, my darling. Look into your crystal ball.
The repo man sits down in front of the table. Mara puts her hands on the crystal ball.
REPO MAN
I have a serious problem and have to make an important decision about my career. If you give me a little peek at my future, I could erase this whole repo business. It can disappear into thin air. Poof! Like magic. Get the picture?
FRANK
Of course she gets the picture, don't you dear? It's a nice repo man asking you to foresee his HAPPY future!
He stresses "happy" so strongly that the man appears to be suspicious. Mara lowers her head towards the crystal ball
MARA
Be quiet, please.
She begins to breathe more quickly. The man leans towards her.
MARA
I see...yes...I see a person who is causing you to stumble.
REPO MAN
Yes, yes. It's that bastard judge, "The Not-So-Honorable Mr. S.O.B." Should I stay in the game?
MARA
He’s giving you a push.
REPO MAN
Yes! That’s exactly what he promised me. A push, you know, a big boost in my career...and...if I...hey, how do I end up?
FRANK
How do you end up? With happiness, good fortune, wealth!
MARA
I see that you will take a fall.
The repo man sneers, puts on his glasses and gets up.
REPO MAN
He would do that, the S.O.B.! That bastard’s capable of getting me into all kinds of trouble, setting ME up to take the fall. I do what I agreed to do, then he frames me and I take the rap. Right! You want to frame me, Your Got-No-Honor? I'll frame you instead, and then YOU can take the fall!
He races out.
FRANK
My dear Mara, how stupid can you be.
MARA
I only told him he would fall.
EXT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT STREET - EVENING
The repo man runs out the front door. A little boy accidentally stumbles against him, and he falls
and hits his face against the window grille of the basement apartment.
INT.- BASEMENT APARTMENT- EVENING
Crushed against the grille, dark glasses broken, the man’s nose is bleeding.
REPO MAN
I think I broke my nose!
He peers at Frank through his broken glasses
REPO MAN
What a fall. That little puke pushed me!
He stops speaking and then realizes the true meaning of the prediction.
FRANK
I told you. In living color. Black and blue and red. Better than television.
REPO MAN
Oh, so this was the great push! What am I going to tell my boss now? I know. I’ll tell him that I've made sure you’re out on the street within 24 hours!
INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT - EVENING
Frank turns towards Mara to strangle her. She retreats
MARA
He’s going to lose his repo job and all I did was tell him he was going to be pushed.
FRANK
You messed up big this time, Mara! I wish I’d never gotten involved with you! Why did I think it’d fun being with a fortune teller?
MARA
Why? You said I was a genius. God, I knew I didn’t find myself an Einstein, but I hoped I'd at least found myself a man!
FRANK
Oh yeah? Why didn't you check your crystal ball before moving in with me?
MARA
You know it doesn't work on me! Look, enough of this. If you want to eat I have to bring the amulets to the store and I’ve got three more to do. Get me some more feathers.
Frank puts his hand into the cage. The hen viciously pecks at it. He cries out and withdraws his
bloody hand.
FRANK
Damn you, McNugget! What are you, a vulture?
MARA
Come, come my big, brave hero. Show a little courage and face the little pecker. Just three more feathers and we'll have the cash for a pizza.
FRANK
Why don't you just use polyester fiberfill in your crummy packets? Nobody’s going to know the difference when they’re sewed up tight. Why make that poor bird suffer when we can be roasting him for dinner?
MARA
To work it has to be hen's feathers.
FRANK
Wow! It only works with a hen's feather.
MARA
Certainly. Cagliostro said: A hen's feather keeps away bad weather.
FRANK
Cagliostro said that. Very interesting...
With his bleeding hand he fumbles under his shirt and pulls out a small pouch amulet like those
sewn by Mara
FRANK
Then why am I still plucking hens' asses after carrying this around for over a year?
MARA
Merlin's Law: nothing good’s coming back if it’s around an asshole’s neck.
Frank lunges towards Mara with the intention of striking her.
She avoids his blow by taking a big step backward. The crystal ball crashes to the floor and
explodes into a thousand pieces. Mara traces a cross in front of Frank
MARA
That does it! Get out of here! When I come back I want to find you gone!
She picks up her jacket, throws the amulets in her purse and exits, slamming the door.
FRANK
You get the hell out of my life, lady!! I'm leaving all right...and it’s for good!
He goes into the kitchen and turns on the gas oven. The odor of methane is strong. He lies down on the bed, puts his hands on his chest and closes his eyes.
FRANK
It's a world filled with bitches and witches, and none of you are worthy of me. Fanculo!
EXT. - MARKET STREET - NIGHT
It's Halloween. Shops are brightly lit. On the sidewalk, people in costumes are trick-or-treating. Mara walks hurriedly, ignoring the merry makers.
A BUTCHER, a big man dressed in a bloodstained white uniform, hurries to the door of his store
BUTCHER
Mara, I just wanted to tell you it's that dreamer you live with that brings bad luck...not you...
Mara doesn't answer him. The irritated butcher tries to raise his middle finger, forgetting he doesn't have one anymore.
INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT - NIGHT
The gas blows. The hen flutters. Frank is spread out on the bed.
INT. - MAGIC SHOPS- NIGHT
Mara enters a witchcraft store. The shelves are full of items, from the European Middle Ages to modern voodoo.
JOHN, a 45 year old bully with vulgar manners, smiles a welcome to her
JOHN
Wonderful Mara, you’re a joy for my eyes and my other organs, get it?
MARA
I have the amulets. Could you give a little more for them this time?
JOHN
Sweetheart, I’d pay you a hundred times more if you’d...ya’ know...get it?
MARA
Ten dollars apiece would be fine, thank you.
JOHN
If we’re just talking business, then I already pay you too much. I want to close this store and open an adult shop. Hang out with me. We’ll make lots of money and do some fun...adult things...in our free time..get it?
MARA
Yeah, I get it. Sure. Why not?
JOHN
Is this some kind of a Halloween prank?
Mara burst into tears and leans on John's shoulder
MARA
No, it's that idiot Frank.
INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT - NIGHT
The gas continues to leak. The hen protests noisily. Frank coughs and sits up
FRANK
I understood you, you cowardly hen! We'll go out with a big bang; you, me and that cuckold upstairs.
He lights a cigarette lighter. A tiny blue blaze illuminates the basement like a lightning bolt.
The light bulb bursts. A ball of black smoke explodes in the center of the room, swelling into icy
darkness. A spectrum of electronic sounds are produced. Frank’s face becomes covered in
white, as if he were in a snowstorm. A bottle of water freezes and explodes.
SPECIAL EFFECT - LIMBO
Brilliant points of light thicken and become clusters of shining spirals, like galaxies. An unpleasant
clucking voice, distorted by the Doppler effect
McNUGGET (V.O.)
You! Check the hyperspherical tensors! There's a mistake! There's a wrong steering! You must plimflate! Plimflate!
INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT - NIGHT
Frank’s face is black from the explosion. A sharp whistle blast hurts Frank’s ears and he presses
his hands against them.
McNUGGET (V.O.)
I'm going to enter in a black hole sphincter! You must plimflate, all pligging pieces of galaxies, MUST plimflate!
A screeching sound, like metal being rubbed on stone.
McNUGGET (V.O.)
For all the bodily sgarloopee of the galaxies, tighten the superstrings! Oosrooch the hyperspherical tensors! I am entering into a sun universe!
The voice stops while the basement continues to fill with smoke.
The frost around Frank's eyes melts into tears. From the stove, gas continues to leak. Frank
shuts it. The voice seems very close, not distorted anymore
McNUGGET (V.O.)
You suckers didn't plimflate in time! I'm in a methane atmosphere! What am I suppose to do now?
Frank looks around but nobody's there. He runs into the bathroom leaving the door ajar.
INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT. BATHROOM - NIGHT
Frank puts his head under the running water.
McNUGGET (V.O.)
Is there anybody out there?
FRANK
Ok, now it’ll all over. I’m only hallucinating....
McNUGGET (V.O.)
You andromedian, do you understand me when I'm speaking? Are you able to plimfate?
A flutter of wings attracts Frank's attention toward the cage. Dripping wet, he leaves the bathroom.
INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT - NIGHT
The hen’s feathers are ruffled and it’s staring at him.
FRANK
It's impossible.
McNUGGET
Never confuse the impossible with the improbable. You andromedian, I'm speaking to you! Use those two prehensile tentacles you have and throw them around my neck! Kill me! Kill me! Kill me!
FRANK
Hens don't talk.
McNUGGET
If this two-clawed animal is a "hen", then the hen is not the one who's speaking, andromedian!
FRANK
You gotta be totally crazy to hear hens talking. Are you a ventriloquist? Where are you hiding?
McNUGGET
I'm here! Inside the hen! There was an error in transmission and I ended up inside the hen!
Frank stoops to look into the hen's eyes. The animal looks back at him.
McNUGGET
I'm here.
Frank runs to bathroom again.
INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT. BATHROOM - NIGHT
Frank puts his head under the faucet once again.
McNUGGET (V.O.)
Are you addicted to water, andromedian? If not, then get back here and kill this stupid beast immediately. I'll lose the connectioooon! Stretch out your repugnant tentacles and twist the neck of this feathered animal!
Frank shows his hands to the hen
FRANK
These are hands that haven’t done an honest day’s work! You want me to commit bloody poultricide? I’m not going to dirty them now for a plucked turkey. Anyway, McNugget, you kind of grow on a guy.
McNUGGET
Inferior organism, if you don't kill me in a hurry I'll lose my connection.
FRANK
Then get out of my hen!
McNUGGET
Kill me! The methane level is going down!
FRANK
Well, that’s an improvement, at least.
McNUGGET
Don't you breathe methane?
FRANK
No. Oxygen.
McNUGGET
But it's a poisonous gas!
FRANK
Perhaps where you come from. Oxygen is good for me.
MCNUGGET
When I arrived, this coordinate was full of methane.
FRANK
I was committing suicide.
McNUGGET
I don't understand that terminology.
FRANK
I wanted to die. Kaputt. Put an end to it all.
McNUGGET
In the sense of to stop being?
FRANK
Very good, hen! In the sense of to stop being.
McNUGGET
Usually the inferior races want to live forever.
FRANK
Everything’s turning to crap. It must be, or else I wouldn't be here right now, discussing philosophy with a hen.
McNUGGET
Why don't you use the stochastic key? If you aren't traveling it always works.
FRANK
Stoc... what?
McNUGGET
Stochastic! Random. The stochastic key orders the casual events to take a favorable course, from chaos to the positive.
FRANK
To order random events... do you mean, lucky key?
Hen collapses, close to desperation
McNUGGET
What kind of toilet of a world is this, if this wet pale monster doesn't even know what a stochastic key is?!
FRANK
Could you give it to me?
McNUGGET
If I give you the key, will you kill the hen?
FRANK
You give it to me, and I’ll think about it.
The hen turns and lays a large white egg.
FRANK
Mc Nugget! You've laid an egg!
McNUGGET
Big deal. That’s what hens do.
FRANK
A hen maybe, but actually, you’re a capon, gelded. I told Mara you were a hen because of Cagliostro.
McNUGGET
Uh-huh. Very interesting. Crack the egg.
Frank takes the egg and shakes it, hoping to hear some sound
FRANK
Is the key inside? Like in Easter eggs?
He breaks the egg on the table and a small shiny key falls out.
FRANK
Wow! Is it silver?
McNUGGET
What’s silver, andromedian? Now that you have the key, kill the beast!
FRANK
What’s it made of?
McNUGGET
What do you think a stochastic key is made of? Of hypotheses and probabilities, of course. Now are you going to kill this hen or not?
FRANK
It will really bring me good luck?
McNUGGET
Yes, yes, yes, consumer of dead carcasses! Break my neck or I'm oourzated!
The doorbell is ringing. Frank opens the door. On the threshold stands the most gorgeous girl he’s ever seen. She's dressed in a very short skirt.
MAGNIFICENT
Could I come in? I am Fortune.
Frank looks at the woman and then he looks at the key
FRANK
Please, come in.
MAGNIFICENT (entering)
You've won the first prize of the no-soap Splash contest, the best no-soap action for a healthy complexion!
FRANK
Are you the prize?
MAGNIFICENT
You bet! You've won ten thousand dollars!
FRANK
Is this Candid Camera?
MAGNIFICENT
Not at all, honey! If you’ve a Splash tub at home, this is your bonus!
She waves a voucher
FRANK
And if I don't have it?
MAGNIFICENT
Then Sweetheart, you'll only get Honorable Mention.
FRANK
Close your eyes. I'll go buy it and be back in a flash.
MAGNIFICENT
No, no, no. The rules are very precise. No tub, no prize. I told you--only Honorable Mention. And that’s only if you’re really grateful.
FRANK
Sure I’m really grateful, but I’d be more grateful with ten thousand dollars. With my kind of luck, I bet I don't have that damned drum anyway!
He runs to the cage to show the key to the hen
FRANK
OK, you castrated turkey, what kind of key is this?
A scream makes Frank turn. Magnificent is by the bathroom door with the old tub that Mara uses as a stool to put on her make-up: it's still possible to read the word SPLASH on it.
MAGNIFICENT
Eureka! Habemus tubbum!
FRANK
You mean I won ten thousand dollar?
MAGNIFICENT
Of course, my stallion and it will be an honor to mention it, too!
She kisses him and Frank clasps her. Together, as a unit, they fall on the mattress. The back leg
of the bed collapses but they don't pay any attention to it. The hen appears interested and with
guttural sounds, comments on the embrace.
EXT. - GOLDFISH VILLA PARK - MORNING.
Before a luxurious villa, surrounded by a large park and enclosed by a tall fence, is a stretch
limousine. The back door is wide open. At the steering wheel, motionless, sits a uniformed driver.
JEEVES (Mortimer) exits the villa, dressed as a butler, and holds the door for GOLDFISH, 50
years old, elegantly dressed. The butler gives him his briefcase and his "borsalino" hat and returns
to the villa. Goldfish goes towards the car, gets in and sits down on the back seat. He closes the door.
GOLDFISH
Let's go, Jerry.
Goldfish taps the driver on the shoulder, causing him to fall face downward nto the steering wheel.
A knife has been thrust into his back. A SCAR-FACED MAN, holding a gun, emerges from the
seat next to the driver.
SCAR FACED MAN
Sorry, Mr.Goldfish.
GOLDFISH
My God, what's happened?
SLASHED MAN
Nothing unusual. Just a routine kidnapping, Mr. Goldfish. Shut up and nobody’s going to get hurt.
A STRONG MAN opens the driver’s door, removes Jerry’s corpse and throws him next to
Goldfish. The bandit pulls the bloody knife out of the driver’s back and sticks it against Goldfish’s
throat. Meanwhile, his accomplice turns on the engine.
The limousine inches silently towards the wrought iron gate which opens automatically to allow
the vehicle to pass through.
INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT - MORNING
In its cage, the hen is protesting. Frank and Magnificent lie exhausted on the damaged bed.
A torn pillow has scattered fiberfill everywhere. She begins to dress.
MAGNIFICENT
What's your name?
FRANK
Frank.
MAGNIFICENT
Frank the Great.
FRANK
I'd like Mara to hear you.
MAGNIFICENT
Your wife?
FRANK
No, I'm not married.
MAGNIFICENT
Don't get married. You should be available to give pleasure to all women.
She places the prize voucher on Frank's belly
MAGNIFICENT
I have to go. And you, get to the bank ASAP with this.
FRANK
What's your name?
MAGNIFICENT
Magnificent.
She goes off, waving.
McNUGGET (V.O.)
Did you finish plimflating, andromedian?
Frank looks for the key. He finds it on the bed and picks it up
FRANK
I think this thing really works!
McNUGGET
Frank the Great, that’s as obvious as the beta inverse decay! Now kill the feathered one!
INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT. BATHROOM - MORNING
Frank rinses his face, holding the key between his teeth.
FRANK
Kill you, my sweet little chicken? Do I look like a crazy man? Kill my feathered friend who lays golden eggs? McNugget, my beloved little dove, I swear...no one will ever pluck your FORTUNE-ate, precious little ass again!
INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT - MORNING
In its cage, the hen ruffles its feathers.
McNUGGET
Liar! You promised!! Swallower of spit! Repugnant primitive mono-organ beast who excretes fluid and plimflates with the same puny muscle!
Frank ties the small key around his neck. He dresses himself in a hurry
FRANK
See you later, McNugget, I really think you are bringing me good luck.
He goes out and locks the door. The hen collapses, apparently very upset
McNUGGET
Good luck? In this sewer of a universe, the pathetic life form still believes in good luck!
EXT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT STREET - MORNING
Frank bumps into John who is going to the basement apartment.
JOHN
I was looking for you. I’ve got a message from Mara.
He gives a letter to Frank.
JOHN
Mara didn’t want to support your poverty forever. Get a grip on reality. A beautiful woman like Mara needs a man with big "cojones"...a real man, like me.
FRANK
Really?
JOHN
Don't you ever look at yourself in the mirror? You look terrible. Call me tonight. I'll see that you get one of my old suits.
FRANK
Is it the model with the map in the side pocket?
JOHN
What are you talking about? I’m talking about clothes--not cars!
FRANK
Yeah, I know. But with all that distance between your fat butt and your manly "cojones,", I figured you needed some help finding them.
JOHN
Oh yeah? Is that supposed to be funny?
FRANK
I wouldn’t know. I don’t have much experience with fat sides of pork, Mr. Magic Man.
JOHN
Fuck you, asshole!
FRANK
Gee, thanks, but I think I’ll pass on your generous offer.
John leaves. Frank crumples Mara's letter into a ball and throws it away.
FRANK
Easy come, easy go. Lose one woman, gain a hundred.
The letter falls against a trash can. Next to it Frank finds three one-hundred dollar bills.
He picks them up and touches the key around his neck.
FRANK
Wow!
EXT. - VAN NESS AVENUE - BANK - DAY
The SPLASH CHAIRMAN,in front of a bank, smiles at Frank, who is now wearing a new suit
and carrying a briefcase.
SPLASH CHAIRMAN
Marcucci, you lucky fellow! Splash is happy to welcome you among its beneficiaries. Let's go in, please.
FRANK
Are they going to pay me in cash?
SPLASH CHAIRMAN
Cold cash.
INT. - BANK - DAY
TELLER gives a paper for Frank to sign
SPLASH CHAIRMAN
Sign here, Mr.Marcucci.
Frank signs and the teller starts counting a pile of one hundred
dollar bills. Behind Frank, a LONG HAIR FELLOW and a GIRL WITH SHAVED HEAD
exchange signals to one another and leave the bank.
TELLER
Six thousand, seven thousand and, there you are, five hundred.
FRANK
Seven thousand five hundred dollars? But the prize is for ten thousand...
SPLASH CHAIRMAN
Gross. Less taxes and handling fees. Don't be greedy--seven thousand five hundred dollars is seven thousand five hundred dollars without doing diddly.
FRANK
Ten thousand would have been better.
SPLASH CHAIRMAN
If you don't accept it, we'll give it to somebody else.
Frank throws the bills into his briefcase.
EXT.- VAN NESS AVENUE - DAY
A motorcycle races towards Frank.
The girl with the shaved head, on the back of the motorcycle, grabs Frank's briefcase. Frank,
howling, holds onto his briefcase for dear life while being dragged away. The briefcase opens and
the money flies out. The motorcycle skids to the left and crashes into Goldfish's oncoming limousine.
Money is floating through the air while passerbys scramble to get a handful. Frank, jumping up and
down and engulfed by the crowd, tries to reclaim his money.
FRANK
That's my money! Help! Take your hands off my money! It's mine! You thieves! Call the police! Help! Help!
A siren is heard. The two thieves run away, as do the two kidnappers after trying to restart the
limousine. Jerry’s corpse lies rigid in the back seat.
POLICE OFFICER
What’s going on here? All of you keep quiet! Whose money is this?
FRANK
It's mine! I had seven thousand five hundred dollars in my briefcase and those two bastards tried to steal it from me. My briefcase...
Police Officer grabs Frank
FRANK
What are you doing? Why are you arresting me? Stop those thieves! All these people are thieves!
ANOTHER POLICE OFFICER leans over Jerry’s corpse
ANOTHER POLICE OFFICER
Are you all right gentleman?
The corpse collapses, revealing the large blood stain on his back.
ANOTHER POLICE OFFICER
There's a wounded man over here!
From the trunk of the limousine, the policemen hear a thump. Frank frees himself from the policeman
FRANK
I think there’s someone in the trunk.
He opens it and finds Goldfish, tied up and gagged. Frank pulls off the gag and Goldfish breathes
deeply
GOLDFISH
Thank goodness you came. I was suffocating in there.
SPLASH CHAIRMAN
Mr. Goldfish! What are you doing in there?
The policeman cuts Goldfish’s ropes
GOLDFISH
I'm interviewing the baggage, you idiot! They kidnapped me! Who’s the one with the briefcase?
FRANK
That would be me. Those two bastards tried to rob me. I fought against them and they crashed into your limousine. It's not my fault.
GOLDFISH
Fault? This was a kidnapping, my friend. Merciless gang, look at what they did to my poor driver. My only chance was to give them twenty million.
SPLASH CHAIRMAN
Twenty million dollars, Sir?
GOLDFISH
No, twenty million peanuts! Would you have asked less than that for my ransom?
SPLASH CHAIRMAN
I would not even dare, Sir.
Frank grabs Goldfish, who is weak and about to collapse
GOLDFISH
I can't walk. You, Chairman, remove two seats from the limousine
SPLASH CHAIRMAN
Why two, Sir?
GOLDFISH
Don't question your boss when he gives you an order! Move it! I want to chat with the courageous hero who saved my life.
Frank gives the Splash chairman a revengeful smile
GOLDFISH
You know, my friend, you probably saved my life. I have a wife who isn't too happy with all my mistresses and wouldn't have paid a penny for my ransom. Criminals are idiots: you want money from the king and you kidnap the king himself?
EXT. - VAN NESS AVENUE - DAY
A strange procession is causing a traffic jam. Carried by the Splash chairman and two policemen, Goldfish and Frank are sitting on the seats from the limousine, and greeting the crowd like two popes in a procession. They are being followed by a train of curious onlookers.
GOLDFISH
What's your name?
FRANK
Frank. Frank Marcucci.
GOLDFISH
Well Frank, do you have any problems?
FRANK
Afraid so. The problems stayed with me, while my money flew away.
GOLDFISH
How much?
FRANK
Seven thous....
The Splash chairman intervenes, gasping for air
SPLASH CHAIRMAN
Ten thousand dollars, Sir. Mr. Marcucci had just won one of our advertising prizes.
GOLDFISH
Well, give the man twenty thousand! And now we need champagne!
FRANK
Do you mean that...
GOLDFISH
Listen my friend, for me twenty thousand dollars is like twenty cents. And it’s still beats giving an incompetent gang of kidnappers twenty million of my hard earned money. Splash is one of my companies and this has been the luckiest day of our lives! What do you do for a living?
FRANK
Nothing.
GOLDFISH
What skills do you have?
FRANK
None. I'm an artist, maybe. Sort of. I guess.
GOLDFISH
Education?
Desolate Frank shakes his head.
GOLDFISH
Perfect. I hate those wise guys from Harvard. Well! You remind me of myself when I was young. Is ten thousand a month okay for a starting salary?
FRANK
Wow, yes! But what do I have to do?
GOLDFISH
What you say you’re good at--nothing. And you’ll have two secretaries helping you.
He slaps the Splash chairman's sweaty head
GOLDFISH
Did you hear me? Put him in the Public Relations department.
The Splash chairman nods.
EXT. - OPEN OCEAN- DAY
Seen through the lens of binoculars a mine is adrift, covered by algae and encrusted by shells.
EXT. - FISHING BOAT- DAY
A FISHERMAN is observing a mine through his binoculars. He tells another man
FISHERMAN
Send a warning to the Coast Guard: mine adrift at 139 degrees west, 19 and 33 south.
INT.- BASEMENT APARTMENT - DAY
The hen is in its cage, sitting in its own droppings. Frank, elegantly dressed, is kneeling down in front of the bird.
FRANK
Don't be annoyed with me, McNugget! Answer me! I didn't want to leave you...in all this crap. Your key works perfectly, and if you like, I'll wring your neck now. Please...talk to me!
MISTER BROOKS (V.O.)
Are you speaking to the hen, Mr.Marcucci?
Mr. BROOKS, a short, unpleasant man is by the door and is looking with disgust at Frank.
MISTER BROOKS
It's probably some side effect from these new synthetic drugs sold in your neck of the woods, right?
FRANK
I speak to everybody, Mr.Brooks. To hens, to hogs, to landlords. By the way, how's your wife ?
MISTER BROOKS
You're late with the rent. Get the hell out of the apartment by Saturday, or I'll call the police.
Frank throws a stack of twenty dollar bills at Brooks who
greedily grabs them
FRANK
Check your accounting and then give me the change at your convenience. I have a job for you. Miss Mara has left and I have to leave for a cruise in Polynesia, so you have to take care of my hen.
MISTER BROOKS
How dare you...?
FRANK
It doesn't need much. A bag of the best corn money can buy and a daily cup of water. Thousand bucks per month for five minutes work a day, OK?
MISTER BROOKS
You're joking, right?
FRANK
I've never been more serious. Yes or no?
He begins to count the money while waiting for Brooks'answer.
MISTER BROOKS
You know, Frank, I find you different today...I can't say why...but... today you look like a winner.
FRANK
Start immediately. Clean the cage, it's full of droppings. I’ll give you another one hundred dollars a month for the mess.
Frank throws the money on the table and Brooks snatches it.
FRANK
Broom and shovel.
Brooks obeys and begins to clean
FRANK
And another thing. As long as you’re calling me Frank, just for the record it's Frank the Great.
MISTER BROOKS
As you wish, Frank the Great. Another hundred for that?
Frank throws another one hundred dollar bill at Brooks
FRANK
If the hen starts to talk, don't answer. Just write down everything it says. And I mean everything!!! Got it?
MISTER BROOKS
I'll write down everything. It’ll be a pleasure to write down what the hen says. Don't worry Mr. Marcucci.
FRANK
... the Great.
MISTER BROOKS
The Great, the Great!
Frank points a threatening finger at the hen
FRANK
If you try to pull one over on me, you will be in very deep doo-doo. Your doo-doo.
EXT.- YACHT ON THE OCEAN - SUNSET
On the sun bridge of a yacht, Goldfish, Frank and other two men, TURNER and SCAGNETTI, are sipping bourbon.
FRANK
So who the hell is this mysterious woman?
GOLDFISH
You'll see her tonight. It's a surprise.
TURNER
She's tired and not up for dinner. And besides, we've put her on a diet.
SCAGNETTI
Just like the real one, she's got to watch her figure.
GOLDFISH
I wish there were more bods like that around here.
INT.- YACHT SALOON - NIGHT
A waiter pours Goldfish, Frank, Turner and Scagnetti champagne, while a three-piece orchestra
plays the song Marilyn Monroe made famous: "Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend." A voice fills
the room. From behind a curtain, a bare, well-shaped arm, then a leg in fishnet stockings with spike
heels. Finally MARILYN TWO appears. She edges closer and closer to the gentlemen, keeping t
he microphone close to her mouth. She looks like an exact copy of the real Marilyn Monroe. Frank is fascinated
FRANK
Marilyn.
GOLDFISH
She's looks like the original, don't you think?
FRANK
She's really Marilyn!
GOLDFISH
You’re right, it's really her! She she’d be around sixty years old, you idiot!
FRANK
Marilyn is timeless. She must have been in hibernation.
TURNER
Hibernation! Great idea to launch her career! Or clonation too!
Marilyn Two finishes her song. Frank takes her hand
FRANK
Marilyn. I was sure you’d come back. I've dreamed of you since I was a kid: you and me on a deserted island.
MARILYN TWO
Who the hell is he?
TURNER
Your first fan, darling.
Marilyn sits down and Frank cuddles next to her.
TURNER
When we first saw her in that porno flick, "Bust Top," she was close to perfection. We just gave her a nose job and fixed some minor defects.
GOLDFISH
I agree.Fifty-fifty, sign and champagne!
The yacht captain eyes Goldfish and motions to speak to him privately.
GOLDFISH
Speak up, old chap! I've got no secrets from my new partners!
YACHT CAPTAIN
We have to reduce the speed, sir, because of a radio warning about an old mine in this area.
GOLDFISH
Don't reduce anything, Captain! This is the time to speed up! With all the water in the Pacific Ocean, are you afraid our boat’s going to end up right on that mine?
A huge explosion interrupts Goldfish. The lights go off and a wave covers the entire room and everything in it.
EXT. - OPEN OCEAN- MOON NIGHT
Frank gropes amid the wreckage.
FRANK
Marilyn! Marilyn!!!
A shark fin heads straight for Frank, who shrieks in terror. Something lifts him and Frank starts to skim the surface of the dark water.
EXT.- ATOLL - SUNRISE
A lightning bolt is seen above a leafy atoll with palms.
Frank, carried by two dolphins, ends up on the beach. When he looks back, the mammals are already gone. The lucky sparkles around Frank's chest.
MARILYN TWO (V.O.)
Thank heaven, a man!
Marilyn Two, half-naked, clings to him in tears. Frank clutches her to his chest
FRANK
My love, don't cry. I'm here now, I'll stay with you forever!
Marilyn kisses him on the mouth.
MARILYN TWO (worried)
For ever?
Frank nods and they continue to fondle each other on the sandy beach.
INT. - GOLDFISH's VILLA. BEDROOM - NIGHT
EILEEN, a skinny woman, 50 years old, undulates on the butler Jeeves (Mortimer) who stares at the ceiling. The phone rings and Jeeves picks up the receiver to answer. Eileen continues. Jeeves listens and passes the phone to Eileen
JEEVES
It's for you, Madame. An accident.
Eileen continues making love
EILEEN
Not now.
JEEVES
Mrs. Eileen, your husband is dead.
Jeeves pushes Eileen away who yells
EILEEN
Humph...just like that pain in the ass! Always ruining my fun!
EXT.- ATOLL - DAY
Sun is shining behind the palm trees, which sway back and forth in the breeze. Frank and Marilyn are stretched out on the golden sand of the beach.
MARILYN TWO
You’re a fantastic lover, darling! I never knew it could be like this. I guess I needed to be shown how by a real man...like you.
FRANK
Thanks, honey, but you don't have to talk like a hooker giving phoney compliments to a john. I hope I haven’t offended you. I know you are sweet and pure and would never be a hooker.
MARILYN TWO
Oh yeah? Shit, you’re right. Listen, buster...
FRANK
Call me Frank.
MARILYN TWO
Frank.
Frank kisses Marilyn. They make love again.
INT. - JOHN’S HOUSE - NIGHT
Mara cries in front of the TV. The newscaster continues
SPEAKER
... destiny is a strange thing. Goldfish's yacht ran into an old mine built during World War II by one of his own factories. Twelve bodies have already been recovered and there is no hope of finding any survivors.
John finishes a can of beer, belches and gets up
JOHN
What are you crying about? You left him, you told me he was a total asshole. You should be glad he’s out of your hair.
MARA
Well, I’m not glad. If I hadn’t thrown him out he’d still be alive. If anything, I feel guilty.
JOHN
Guilty? For what? For ridding the world of a worthless jerk? You should be demanding a medal. Come on, let's go to bed and I’ll make you forget that little prick.
Mara gets up, picks up her bag and jacket, then leaves
JOHN
What are you doing, Mara. Why you leaving all of a sudden?
MARA
Because you’re a heartless animal.
EXT. - ATOLL - DAY
A crab drags its shell along the sand. Marilyn, standing at the shore, is looking at the ocean
MARILYN TWO
Shit! Nobody will ever find us here.
FRANK
Yeah...isn't that great!?
A tear trickles down Marilyn's cheek.
FRANK
Why are you crying, my love?
MARILYN TWO
We’re going to die of thirst and starvation.
Frank shows her the key that he wears around his neck
FRANK
This key makes all my wishes come true. That’s the reason we’re here. I always dreamed of being on a deserted island with you.
MARILYN TWO
Did you make the mine explode?
FRANK
No, no. It was only by chance.
MARILYN TWO
Everyone’s dead except me and you.
FRANK
I don't know. Marilyn, don't be afraid. Everything is going to be fine. Tell me you love me.
MARILYN TWO
I love you.
FRANK
You must say "I love you, Frank". otherwise I don’t really exist.
MARILYN TWO
Fuck you...Oh, alright...I love you, Frank.
FRANK
My love, stop using curse words.
MARILYN TWO
Who’s using fucking curse words?
FRANK
Are you hungry? What do you want for dinner?
MARILYN TWO
A hot dog and a coke.
A wooden case drifts to shore. Inside, sealed in plastic bags are freshly grilled hot dogs and several cans of coke. Frank offers an astonished Marilyn a hot dog and a coke
MARILYN
Hell! How the fuck...
She stops short, overcome by a new respect towards Frank
MARILYN TWO
It's the key? It's like the genie in the lamp! Gimme it!
FRANK
I can’t. You’re here because you’re the woman of my dreams. If I give you the key I'll lose you because I'm not the man of your dreams.
MARILYN TWO
How do you know?
She tears the key from Frank's neck and runs away. FRANK runs after her
FRANK
Marilyn be careful! If you lose it, we’ll die here!
MARILYN TWO
I want to go back to San Francisco! To San Francisco!
The noise of a helicopter breaks the silence. Marilyn looks up and sees a helicopter with the words RESCUE on it. It lands on the beach. Marilyn jumps up and down and waves her arms
MARILYN TWO
Yoohoo! Here we are! Here we are!
Frank slips the key around his neck. Two men get off the helicopter. Marilyn runs to embrace them.
PILOT
Mr. Marcucci?
FRANK
Yes.
PILOT
I worked for Mr.Goldfish.
FRANK
Worked? Is he dead or were you fired?
PILOT
We found his body in the ocean. In his will he left you half of his billion dollar estate.
FRANK
And what about the other half?
PILOT
It goes to his wife.
Marilyn throws her arms around Frank's neck
MARILYN TWO
I told you! You’re my ideal man, Frankie!
She kisses him and then skips around shouting with joy. Frank touches the key, rolling it between
his fingers
FRANK
McNugget or whoever you are, you are carrying this game too far.
EXT. - EMBARCADERO- DAY
Frank and Marilyn Two are greeted by a wave of photographers in front of the palace.
Hidden among the crowd, we find Mara with a scarf wrapped around her head and dark sunglasses.
JOURNALISTS
- How did you save yourself, Mr.Marcucci?
-Is it true that you swam ten miles with this girl on your shoulders?
-Why did Mr. Goldfish leave you such an incredible sum of money?
- Why did he leave you all that money? Were you two lovers?
Eileen, dressed in black, stands in front of the hall door. Frank extends his hand
FRANK
Mrs. Goldfish, I suppose.
Eileen, with a bitter facial expression, strikes him and turns her back on him as she enters the palace. Marilyn Two grimaces, Frank shrugs his shoulders and they also enter. Mara removes her glasses, shakes her head and goes away slowly.INT. - ATTORNEY's OFFICE- DAY
The attorney is reading the last will and testament in the presence of Frank, Marilyn Two, Eileen,
Jeeves and the Splash official.
ATTORNEY
... being of sound mind and body. It was signed in my presence by the late Henry Goldsmith.
Marilyn embraces Frank. Goldfish's widow is furious
EILEEN
...being in sound mind and depravation. Watch out; you’ve stolen half of my inheritance and my villa, but keep this in mind--what goes around, comes around. Mortimer, let's go!
Jeeves stares at the woman with an air of British detachment
JEEVES
Sorry, madam. I come with the villa.
Eileen answers with an angry grunt and disappears.
EXT.- SAN FRANCISCO AIR VIEW - DAY
A helicopter passes above the Pyramid top and the Bay.
SPLASH CHAIRMAN (V.O.)
That skyscraper is ours, Mr.Marcucci. As are those houses at Marina and those palaces at Sausalito over there. Those sheds are our soap factory here in California. We have one in each of the fifty States.
EXT. - NEW YORK AIR VIEW - DAY
The helicopter flies above the Twin Towers and it goes towards the Empire State Building.
SPLASH CHAIRMAN (V.O.)
From the 93rd floor to the 97th you can find our Financial offices. The skyscraper to the east of Central Park is also ours.
FRANK (V.O.)
Ours? Why do you always say ours?
SPLASH CHAIRMAN (V.O.)
Sorry. Yours, Mr.Marcucci, yours! It was just a figure of speech.
FRANK (V.O.)
I hate figures of speech.
INT/ EXT. - PRIVATE HELICOPTER IN FLIGHT - DAY
Frank sits close to the Splash official
SPLASH CHAIRMAN (V.O.)
The baseball stadium is ours. Excuse me...yours. We'll land here to greet the public.
FRANK
You mean now? With the helicopter?
SPLASH CHAIRMAN
Public relations. The people love whoever is getting rich, Mr. Marcucci. They worship any imbecile with money who comes down from the heavens.
EXT.- BASEBALL FIELD - DAY
The stands are packed. Frank's helicopter lands on the diamond. Eileen, still dressed in black, unscrews the top of her ebony stick.
FRANK
Any imbecile?
SPLASH CHAIRMAN
It was just....
FRANK
...a figure of speech. Take a note. Figure of speech to figure of speech--You’re fired.
Splash official shrugs his shoulders unhappily. Frank jumps down from the helicopter.
The crowd stands and cheers.
Eileen aims her cane at Frank as if it were a rifle, and in effect there is a little viewfinder.
Frank raises his hands in a sign of greeting.
Eileen arms the trigger hidden in the cane and shoots. Amid the roar of the crowd the shot goes
unnoticed.
A pigeon flying in front of Frank is hit by the bullet and drops dead on the grass.
EXT. WASHINGTON DC PANORAMA - SUNSET
The view of Washington’s monuments is reflected in the Potomac River.
INT. WASHINGTON DC. WATERGATE- EVENING
Seven men in black-hooded garments sit around a round table. The room is dimly lit but in the
shadows the masonic logo is visible. The man with the boss symbols starts to speak
SENATOR MORRIS
Our brother Goldfish has passed away. He left his empire to a certain Marcucci--completely unknown to us. Goldfish was our financier, and if this Marcucci doesn't confirm our deals we'll have to do without him. Actually, he’ll have to do without us...and the rest of the world.
The hooded men nod
SENATOR MORRIS (V.O.)
This is an important moment. I propose to the brothers that we make this secret lodge more united by revealing our identities.
SENATOR MORRIS
Whoever agrees, raise his hand.
The hooded crowd bustles, then one at a time everybody raises his hand. The leader who removes his hood and introduces himself, is imitated by the others
SENATOR MORRIS
Senator Morris. Venerable of this lodge.
ALAN KAHN
Alan Kahn, CIA officer.
IVAN GOLUTVA
Ivan Golutva, ex KGB.
INT. - ATLANTA. PEACHTREE HOTEL- EVENING
It looks like a continuation of the previous scene, the only difference being the Atlanta skyline.
Seven men in white hoods like those of the KKK sit around a round table. Three of them have
removed their hoods. The fourth one, the fifth one, the sixth one and the seventh are now removing
their hoods and introducing themselves
NIELS LIEDHOM
Niels Liedhom, Goldfish Financial Administrator of New York. We’ll try to compromise before eliminating this Marcucci.
GENERAL CULVERTON
General Culverton. I'll go speak to him.
EDWARD JOHNSOM
Edward Johnson, National Guard. Do it in a hurry. Project Freedom can no longer wait.
TIP McWRITE
Tip McWrite, National Rifle Association. Resolve this dilemma or we’ll have to withdraw our support.
EXT. NEW YORK. BROOKLYN - EVENING
Downtown Brooklyn seen from the bridge.
INT. - ITALIAN RESTAURANT - EVENING
Seven men have just finished eating. Many empty wine bottles are on the table. TOTO, 60 years, a sharp stare, icy but polite. He speaks with an Italian-American accent.
TOTO
Our good Goldfish is gone, peace to his soul. He left his place and his money to this Marcucci, a good name who nobody knows. I hope he's an understanding man...for his sake of course.
The other six laugh and toast.
INT. - GOLDFISH VILLA. PARTY SALOON - DAY
Jeeves is on the balcony and holds, with white gloved hands, some sacks.
FRANK (V.O.)
Again!
Jeeves unties one of the sacks and lets its contents fall out. A snowfall of dollars inundates Frank
and Marilyn Two who begin jumping for joy like children. Marilyn is covered in diamond-studded
jewels, including a diamond tiara.
MARILYN TWO
Again, shit, oh excuse me Frank!
Impassive Jeeves obeys.
EXT. - DESERT - DAY
On a tower of a drilling well a big sign GOLDFISH INC. Some workers are drilling a well in the
middle of the African desert. A Bedouin chief is giving orders to his men. From the well a dark jet
shoots out. Technicians and workers explode in a cry of joy, but the dark color clears up, becoming water.
The Bedouin chief bursts into laughter, as do his men.
DOCTOR FRITZ of Goldfish Inc., in white gear, runs under the dirty rain to a cellular phone.
EXT. - GOLDFISH's VILLA - NIGHT
The windows of the villa and the park lampposts are lit. An auto advances towards the gate.
The black gloved hand of the chauffeur pushes the button of a remote control and the gate opens.
The car goes towards the house. A lightning bolt lights up the villa as if it were daylight, followed
by a roar of thunder.
INT. - GOLDFISH's VILLA. BATHROOM SALOON - NIGHT
A small lamp in the corner and interior lights of the Jacuzzi tub illuminate the large bathroom.
A lightning bolt lights up the blue glass dome that hangs from the ceiling. Two women's hands
slip Frank into the bubble bath. Frank defends the key which he carries around his neck on a golden
chain. He emerges laughing and throws Marilyn Two into the water. She is still wearing the diamonds.
FRANK
Marilyn, do you love me?
MARILYN TWO
I'm crazy for you, sweetheart.
They don't realize that a stranger has entered.
FRANK
Why?
MARILYN TWO
Because you are the most manly man I know.
FRANK
Tell me more.
MARILYN TWO
Because you are the most powerful.
FRANK
More?
MARILYN TWO
Because you’re a genius.
A gloved hand unscrews the light bulb of the lamp. In the faint light, with the lamp in his hand,
the intruder inches towards the bathtub
FRANK
More!
MARILYN TWO
Because, because...you’re handsome!
FRANK
It took you long enough to notice!
The electric cord of the lamp is still plugged in.
The hand that holds it is ready to throw it into the water.
MARILYN TWO
Sure, honey, you’re real handsome, brave, stupendous.
Frank kisses her in a cloud of bubble bath
FRANK
And you are a lucky woman, Marilyn. Very, very lucky.
EXT. - GOLDFISH's VILLA - NIGHT
A lightning bolt centers the villa.
INT. - GOLDFISH's VILLA. BATHROOM SALOON - NIGHT
An instant before the lamp touches the water, the electricity goes out. The lamp falls into the water
and obviously nothing tragic occurs. Frank laughs.
A new lightning bolt lights up the room.
Marilyn gets out of the tub covered with foam and throws the lamp on the floor.
FRANK
Where are you going? Are you afraid of the dark?
MARILYN TWO
Yeah! Fucking scared shitless. Oh excuse me dear, I mean I’m really rather terribly afraid.
Jeeves enters with a candelabra and a telephone on a tray
JEEVES
A call from Africa, sir.
FRANK
What’s your name?
JEEVES
Mortimer, sir.
FRANK
I prefer calling you Jeeves. I always dreamed of having a butler called Jeeves.
JEEVES
Well sir. Call Jeeves and Mortimer will come.
Frank picks up the telephone
FRANK
Hello.
EXT. - DESERT - DAY
Doctor Fritz, dripping in dirty water, among laughing Bedouins, is on the phone
DOCTOR FRITZ
Mr.Goldfish?
FRANK ([filtered])
Goldfish is dead, who are you?
DOCTOR FRITZ
I'm Doctor Fritz, chief of the Libyan affairs. Who are you?
INT. - GOLDFISH's VILLA. BATHROOM SALOON - NIGHT
FRANK
I’m his heir. Your new master.
DOCTOR FRITZ (filtered)
Mr Goldfish gave his word to buy...
EXT. - DESERT - DAY
DOCTOR FRITZ
...ten thousand square kilometers of desert thinking there was oil. Instead, we only found dirty water. The Libyans cheated us out of the one million dollar deposit. What do you want me to do?