It's late on a moonlit night and nobody is on the street except the homeless. Their community is a neighborhood of cardboard shelters nestled amid stone and glass buildings.

GERRY ECHEVARRIA, early thirties, is lying on a pile of newspapers by the front door of an office building. In the darkness it's difficult to distinguish the features of this dirty and ungroomed man.

He drains his last can of beer and releases a noisy belch. He kisses his old battered trumpet and clutching it against his chest, he closes his eyes.

A shadow moves behind the glass entry door. A woman opens the door and trips over Gerry. It's GLORIA GABLE, early thirties, beautiful and fashionably dressed. She's holding a cellular phone in one hand and steadies herself with the other.

GLORIA (to the phone)

I understand perfectly...Bruce, I told you, I understand.

Gerry, accustomed to being stepped on by passers by, grunts, but doesn't move.

A few bars of a TRUMPET SOLO softly plays and Gerry, apparently in response, opens on eye.

Gerry and Gloria look at each other. She doesn't hear the trumpet solo, but something about him moves her to action. She fumbles in her purse, pulls out a bill and tosses it to Gerry. Stepping over him carefully to avoid contact, she walks down the street, toward the underground parking garage.

GLORIA (to the phone)

...look, as your lawyer, I'm simply saying that you can't

concentrate on both...either take care of business

or run for governor...as your ex-fiancée? Same advice...no,

I'm tired, Bruce. We'll talk tomorrow.

Gloria disconnects the phone and puts it in her purse. In the dimly lit area, Gerry is trying to read the denomination. Finally he sees that it's a twenty dollar bill.

GERRY

Andrew Fuckin' Jackson! How DO you do? Haven't seen

you in a long time, Mr. President.

He stands up, scratches his beard and looks at the woman walking down the street. He takes a step toward her.

Gloria walks quickly down the dark, deserted street. She is being followed, but only the legs and feet of a MAN wearing old shoes can be seen.

Gloria walks past a sports bar; the door is open. Only the bartender is inside. He is watching the wide-screen TV and Gloria pauses briefly at the door to watch. The man following her stops walking.

A political campaign ad is on television. It shows a handsome man, BRUCE HICKMAN, in his forties, elegantly dressed, seated at an office desk.

TV ANNOUNCER

Bruce Hickman...successful California businessman.

Now wearing jeans and a T-shirt, Bruce stands on a street corner with Latino and black day workers. He's smiling and his arm is around one man's shoulders.

TV ANNOUNCER

Bruce Hickman...the man who cares about all Californians.

The ad now shows Bruce and Gloria, hand in hand, strolling across the Golden Gate Bridge.

TV ANNOUNCER

Bruce Hickman...California's best friend.

The last image freezes and a graphic overlay appears:

BRUCE HICKMAN FOR GOVERNOR...CALIFORNIA, YOU DESERVE HIM.

Gloria continues down the street and walks quickly to the parking garage.

The man following her is visible. He signals to an accomplice in a parked car. Unseen behind him, is Gerry, who furiously pulls his beard and watches uneasily.

The accomplice starts the engine and pulls in front of the garage exit. Gerry mutters to himself and hurriedly follows Gloria and the man into the garage.

Gloria approaches an imported white convertible. She hears footsteps, stops and looks around. The garage is deserted. Still a few feet away, she unlocks the car door with the remote. The man jumps in front of her. He's holding a gun.

ROBBER

That's far enough, lady. Put your purse on the car.

Your jewelry too. And move real slow, like one of them

exotic dancers.

Gloria is trying to remain calm. She's about to comply when Gerry appears. He attacks the robber and struggles for the gun. The gun goes off and grazes Gerry's scalp. He collapses and the assailant escapes. Blood is trickling down Gerry's head and he tries to stand up.

GERRY

Yo! Muthafucka! Get back here and I'll show you a

fuckin' thing or two!

Gloria helps Gerry up. He touches his wounded head and continues to shout.

GERRY

A fuckin' inch this way or that and I'd be rappin' with the

fuckin' angels! Shit! Hey! Get your fuckin' ass back here!

GLORIA

Stop shouting, please...I've heard enough obscenities for the

moment. He's gone, anyway.

Gloria examines Gerry's wounded scalp. She takes a handkerchief out of her purse and presses it against the wound. With her other hand, she removes her cellular phone.

GLORIA

Here..hold this...press hard. I'm going to call for an ambulance.

Gloria starts to call, but Gerry puts his hand on the phone.

GERRY

No offense, ma'am, but the hell you will. I don't need no

fuckin' blood wagon.

GLORIA

You've been shot and it's my fault. I'm not going to leave

you here alone and bleeding....at least let me drive

you to the hospital.

Gerry is about to say ‘no,' then hears a few notes of the trumpet solo. He looks at Gloria, then at her car and begins to grin like a little boy who's been told he's going to Disneyland.

GERRY

Well, I'm a muthafucka...just like the Good Samaritan or maybe

Mother Teresa herself. You going to take me to the hospital in

that fine car?

GLORIA

Yes, as long as you promise to be good and let the doctors take

care of you.

GERRY

I promise.

Gloria opens the passenger door and indicates that he should get in. Gerry approaches the car reverently. He peeks inside at the luxurious upholstery. Then he spits on his hands, rubs them together and dries them on his chest. He carefully strokes the back of the passenger seat.

GERRY

Shit...soft and smooth as a little baby's BE-hind.

GLORIA

Get in. We really should get you to the hospital right away.

Gerry walks back to the spot where he'd left his trumpet. He retrieves it and returns to the car. He gets in and Gloria goes around to the driver's side. While she turns on the engine, Gerry combs his hair with his dirty fingers. Then he brushes his jacket with his hands, which releases a cloud of dust. He belches noisily and Gloria shakes her head in disgust. She covers her nose with one hand, opens all the windows, then reconsiders and puts the convertible top down.

GLORIA

Could you please stop doing that?

GERRY

What?

GLORIA

Everything.

Gloria drives toward the garage exit.

They exit the garage. Gerry stands up, puts his hands on the top of the windshield and looks around. There are three people sleeping on nearby benches and another pair is sleeping by the door of a building. Nobody is paying attention to Gerry, so while Gloria is about to turn the corner, he reaches over to honk the horn.

Gloria smacks Gerry's hand as if he's a child caught with the cookie jar. The commotion awakens the sleeping tramps and startled, they all jump to their feet.

A woman with long grey hair, MADONNA, hurls trash at the car and raises her middle finger in the air.

MADONNA

Fanculo!

Near her, a drunken old man with white hair, calls out.

FILTHY CAN

Madonna! Didn't you see who that was?

MADONNA

Who? The mayor of San Francisco? And what gives him

the right to make a lot of noise and wake up decent folks?

 

FILTHY CAN

You? Decent folks? I'm laughing!

MADONNA

And what's so funny, Mr. Filthy Can? I'll have you know

there was a time--

Another bum, KAPOSI, approaches. He's thin, pale, with a shaved head and dark spots scattered on his skin.

KAPOSI

Hey Filthy Can! Madonna! Did you see Gerry?

FILTHY CAN

Fuck you, Kaposi! Gerry don't ride around with no fancy

company.

KAPOSI

Nope, that was Gerry. Riding in that thing like the prophet

Elijah...you remember what Gerry told us...taken up to heaven

in a flaming white chariot, he was.

MADONNA

Gerry? Taken up to heaven? Maybe he got up and taken...

but I bet he's not in heaven.

It's a busy city hospital Emergency Department. Every cubicle is occupied by patients; many are bleeding. The room is noisy with people screaming, wailing and moaning. Babies are crying.

Two female nurses are in a cubicle with Gerry. A very frightened Gerry is on a gurney and while one of the nurses cleans his wound, he screams in protest.

NURSE

Why are you screaming? It's just saline...sterile water.

It doesn't burn.

GERRY (calming down)

Water? Doesn't burn? You're right. It doesn't burn.

SECOND NURSE

I'll take care of the DT.

GERRY

DT's? What DT's? I'm no fuckin' drunk!

SECOND NURSE

It's okay, nobody said you were drunk. I was talking

about a tetanus shot.

GERRY

Tetanus shot! I don't want no fu—

Gloria finishes signing papers at the admitting desk. She stands up to leave.

GLORIA

Is that all you need?

ADMITTING CLERK

Yes, I think so. We have your credit card number, name,

address, all the necessary signatures.

GERRY's VOICE

Ouch! That hurt! Let me the hell outa here! Now what the fu--

Gerry is on the gurney, surrounded now by the two nurses, a physician, an orderly and a security guard.

GERRY

--are you doing to me?

Gerry anxiously looks around.

GERRY

Where is she? Where's my Good Samaritan?

Gloria starts to walk away but hears Gerry screaming. She goes back to the admitting clerk's desk.

GLORIA

Is he alright? They're not hurting him, are they?

ADMITTING CLERK

No, he's fine, I'm sure. Lots of them scream in there...

even the patients.

GLORIA (smiling)

I suppose it can be a frightening experience.

ADMITTING CLERK

He'll be well taken care of. You did a wonderful thing

to bring him here and pay for everything.

GLORIA

He saved my life...it was the right thing to do.

Gloria wakes up early. On her bedside table is a large bouquet of red roses. Detecting an aroma coming from outside, she jumps out of bed and sees...

Gerry, who is barbecuing hot dogs on the gas grill and is using Gloria's antique silver forks as skewers. She unlocks the back door and begins to exit. Gerry sees her approach and smiles.

GERRY

Breakfast's ready.

Gloria gapes at the row of onion-smothered hot dogs on the patio table and the twelve open cans of beer.

GLORIA

I think I'll start with coffee.

With a filthy hand Gerry picks up the coffee pot from the ground and pours coffee into a mug. The mug says: LAWYERS DO IT IN BRIEFS. Gerry has a dirty finger in the mug.

GERRY

It's still hot. Here, drink. Coffee's gotta be black and

hotter'n hell.

GLORIA

You've got an interesting technique for making it black..

You know what? I've changed my mind. I think I'll

have it later.

Gerry shoves a hot dog and a large slice of onion into his mouth. He chews noisily with his mouth open.

GLORIA

How did you find out where I live?

GERRY (pulling papers from a pocket)

Discharge papers. From the hospital.

GLORIA

I see...did they take good care of you?

GERRY

Yeah! Fuckin' good care. They even gave me the DT's...

that's what they call the tetanus shots.

GLORIA

So I've heard. Just last night, as a matter of fact. Listen...are you

the one...who...you know...the uh, roses?

Gerry nods shyly and belches noisily.

GERRY

Yeah! Ma'am.

GLORIA

But how did you get into the house and my bedroom?

The doors were locked.

Gerry grins. He shows her a neck chain with a big magnet attached. He beckons her to follow and they go through the house to the front door. Gerry opens it and places the magnet against the outside lock. He rotates it and the key on the inside lock turns.

GERRY

Go ahead. Give it a fuckin' try.

GLORIA

Thanks, but I don't think so.

GERRY

Okay, but you can keep it. A present from me.

Comes in handy.

He removes the key and gives it to Gloria. She slips it into her pocket.

GLORIA

Thanks for the breakfast, but you'd better leave now.

I have to go to work.

GERRY

But you haven't eaten nothin'.

GLORIA

Anything. I haven't eaten anything.

GERRY

Yeah! I know.

GLORIA

No, I was just correcting...never mind. I'm not hungry,

but I do appreciate everything...the breakfast, the coffee,

the flowers...but really, you should go now.

A disappointed Gerry lowers his head.

GERRY

Okay. I just gotta get my trumpet.

Gerry disappears inside and promptly returns with the trumpet.

GERRY

‘Bye, ma'am.

GLORIA

Good bye and thanks for coming to my rescue.

GERRY

Oh, that was nothing...just seemed like the right thing to do.

Scratching himself furiously, Gerry slowly walks away.

The telephone rings and Gloria goes inside to answer.

A few bars of the trumpet solo softly plays. Gerry glances at his trumpet and cranes his neck, listening to something only he can hear. Then he returns to the house and peers through the front window.

As seen from the front window:

Gloria answers the cordless phone.

GLORIA

Yes? Oh, good morning, Bruce...fine, thanks...

BRUCE HICKMAN, the gubernatorial candidate in the television promos, is seated at his desk, talking into the phone. He is elegantly dressed and has a supercilious bearing. Behind him is a large window, with a fabulous view of a sail-dotted bay.

BRUCE (to the phone)

I'm in trouble. Big trouble this time. No, something else.

Gloria's talking on the phone. She sees Gerry's face pressed against the front window. Annoyed, she shoos him away.

GLORIA (to the phone)

I can be in my office in a half hour.

BRUCE (phone voice)

No. It would be better if you come here. Gloria, if we

don't solve this problem, I'm going to be ruined.

You understand? Ruined.

GLORIA (to the phone)

Why? What have you done now?

BRUCE (phone voice)

What have I done? I followed my attorney's advice,

Madame Counselor. Now everything is falling apart.

Someone alerted the FBI and they're going to investigate

the Sausalito Resort.

GLORIA (to the phone)

I didn't give you any legal advice that would warrant a

federal investigation, Bruce. What exactly is the problem?

BRUCE (phone voice)

We can talk about the problem later. But I have the perfect

solution.

GLORIA (to the phone)

Which is...?

BRUCE (phone voice)

You engage the services of a hired hand...a fall guy, as it were.

GLORIA (to the phone)

A fall guy?

BRUCE (phone voice)

That's right. Someone who will agree to assume responsibility

for the Resort. I'll pay him well, of course.

GLORIA (to the phone)

Of course. And where do I find this person? I don't think the

Yellow Pages has a listing for this sort of thing.

BRUCE (phone voice)

I don't know, Gloria...and frankly, I don't care...just earn that

large retainer I pay you and find someone...anyone...desperate

enough to take my offer.

GLORIA (to the phone)

Anything for a client...something else?

BRUCE (phone voice)

Perhaps one additional matter.

GLORIA (to the phone)

Yes...?

BRUCE (phone voice)

He'll be going to prison, so get someone who won't mind

that very much.

GLORIA (to the phone)

Prison! My God, Bruce, what on earth did you do?

Kill somebody?

An attractive woman, JOAN, stands behind Bruce, massaging his neck, back and chest. She slowly moves her hands down Bruce's chest and kisses the top of his head. He is enjoying the massage.

BRUCE (to the phone)

According to the Government, worse. Much worse.

We did that stock transaction we talked about, but

we didn't exactly pay the taxes.

Joan begins to kiss Bruce's ear and neck.

Gloria is on the telephone and Gerry is peering through the front window.

GLORIA (to the phone)

Tax evasion? God, Bruce, how many times have I told

you to be careful about that? That's how they got

Al Capone, you know. He would have gotten away with

murder if he'd been paying his taxes like an honest citizen.

BRUCE (phone voice)

Spare me the history lesson, Counselor. I know we should

have filed with the IRS, but it was Fred's fault. He assured

me we were doing the right thing. But it's too late to worry

about that now. Can you get your hands on a fall guy or not?

GLORIA (to the phone)

I don't know. You think these guys get their name by just falling

out of the sky?

Gloria sees Gerry, still peering though the window.

GLORIA (to the phone)

Maybe they do. Give me a moment, Bruce.

Gerry sees Gloria walking toward the front door. Afraid that she's coming to chase him away, the dejected man slowly walks away from the house. He stops, pinches one nostril with his

thumb and blows noisily into his hand. Then he repeats the operation with the other nostril.

GLORIA (from the front door)

You! Wait! What's your name again?

Gerry turns around and faces her.

GERRY (bowing)

I never told you, Ma'am. It's Geraldo Echevarria.

Gerry to my friends.

GLORIA

You don't have to call me ma'am,

Gerry. My name's Gloria.

Gloria, carrying the phone, approaches him. Gerry offers a dirty hand and a hesitant Gloria studies it, then shakes it.

GERRY

Gloria...in excelsis.

GLORIA

What is that? Latin?

GERRY

Yes, Ma'...Gloria. The man who raised me teached

it to me. The Good Book too.

GLORIA

He wasn't a minister...

GERRY

Nah, more like a preacher. And he played the trumpet

like the angel Gabriel. And besides that, he could

lift your wallet without you noticing nothing at all.

GLORIA

Sounds like a TV preacher.

GERRY

Ma'am? No, Old Washington was never on the TV.

GLORIA

Never mind, Gerry. It was just a bad joke.

Would you like to do a little business with me?

GERRY

Yeah! Sure! What sort of business?

GLORIA

How would you like to have a nice place to live,

beautiful new clothes, all the onions and beer you want,

plus ten thousand dollars in cash? All you have to do

is maybe go to jail for a little while.

GERRY

Ten thousand? To go to jail? Shit, I been locked up

for a whole lot less than that. Say, who are you

anyway? My fuckin' Fairy Godmother?

Maria, that was my mother, she used to tell me about her,

but I thought it was just a kids' story.

Gerry looks with wonder at Gloria. The morning sunlight is shining behind her and she is bathed in a golden glow. Gerry's eyes become misty.

GLORIA

Lovely! We have a deal. But first we need to clean

you up. There's a bathroom upstairs. Go take a hot

bath...you'll find a robe on the hook.

Gerry sniffs his armpits.

GERRY

I smell good. Anyway, never had a fuckin' bath and I

don't want one now.

Gloria puts a hand on her hip, as if she's about to scold him.

GERRY

Don't mind showers, though. Took lots of them when

I was at State U.

GLORIA

State U? Oh, prison. How fortunate. You're already

familiar with prison life. You weren't in for murder

or something terrible, were you?

Gerry scratches his ear.

GERRY

No ma'am...I mean Gloria. Nothing like that. Cops beat up

on me and Old Washington. He died. I didn't. Got two years.

GLORIA

You'll have to tell me about it sometime. Now, go inside

and take your bath...or shower. Just be sure to wash

behind those ears.

GERRY

Yeah! I'll do whatever you say, Gloria.

GLORIA

Funny, that's what Bruce used to say.

GERRY

Bruce?

GLORIA

Our partner. You'll be meeting him soon.

Gloria goes back inside and Gerry follows her, removing his jacket.

GLORIA

You'll find the bathroom at the top of the stairs.

GERRY

Yes, ma'am.

Gerry goes upstairs.

GLORIA (to the phone)

Bruce, are you still there?

Joan is on Bruce's lap and they are kissing passionately. The telephone headset is on Bruce's desk; from it comes Gloria's voice.

GLORIA (phone voice)

Bruce? Hello? Are you still there?

Bruce struggles to free himself from Joan's embrace and grabs the telephone. He is out of breath.

BRUCE (to the phone)

Yes, I'm here. Sorry about that. I was distracted by a piece of...

business.

Bruce winks at Joan, who shrugs and smiles. She wraps her arms around him again.

GLORIA (phone voice)

What's that on your lap?

Bruce pushes Joan away and she lands on the carpet.

BRUCE (to the phone)

My lap? What do you mean?

GLORIA (phone voice)

Your fall guy! Believe it or not, one did just fall down from

heaven and land on your lap!

BRUCE (to the phone)

The fall guy? Really? That's fantastic, my dear!

I knew you wouldn't let me down.

 

GLORIA (to the phone)

We'll be there soon. We'll need copies of all minutes and

financial reports for the last two years.

BRUCE (phone voice)

I love you, you wonderful and capable creature.

GLORIA (to the phone)

Do you? I’m suddenly experiencing this overpowering feeling

that somewhere at sometime I've heard you come out with that

same lie before. What do they call that again? Deja something?

BRUCE (phone voice)

I'm not lying. I do love you. In my own way. Do you really

think I'm lying when I say it?

GLORIA (to the phone)

No, I believe you do love me, in the way that you can love.

BRUCE (phone voice)

And I believe that you still love me...in your way. Am I right?

GLORIA (to the phone )

I suppose so. See you soon.

Gloria hangs up.

Joan is standing near Bruce and he pulls her to his lap.

BRUCE

Now, my little piece of business. You were about to give me

something?

Joan smiles and begins to nibble Bruce's ear.

BRUCE

Oh, very nice...yes, give me the business, my dear.

Gloria is setting the dining room table beautifully with fine dishes and flowers. Upstairs, Gerry is singing the aria, "Celeste Aida," but he's substituted Gloria's name.

GERRY's VOICE (singing)

Celeste, Gloriaaaa...

Gerry has filled the bathtub and is pouring in samples from different bottles: bath oils, bubbles, etc.

GERRY (singing)

Gloria in excelsis...

He jumps into the bathtub, which is filled to the top. It overflows and spills water on the carpeted floor.

Breakfast is on the table.

GLORIA

Gerry! Breakfast!

Gloria bends over to adjust the floral arrangement. Someone comes from behind and covers her eyes with his hands.

GERRY (off)

Guess who?

GLORIA

Judging by the scent of lilac, I'd say it's...grandmother Helen?

She turns and faces Gerry, who is starting to look like a different man. He is clean and is wearing a man's red silk bathrobe.

GLORIA

Gerry? My gosh! You're absolutely gorgeous!

GERRY

Ain't I? Thought I looked and stank real sweet, like some fancy

Muthafucka pretty man.

GLORIA (laughing)

Well, yes...I guess you do. After breakfast, we'll do something

About your hair and beard. Now sit down and we'll eat first.

Gerry sits down. He picks up a sausage with his hand and chews noisily with his mouth open. Then he uses his fork to cut and eat a pancake.

GERRY

You're a fuckin' good cook, you know that? Fuckin' good.

GLORIA

Can you manage one sentence without using an obscene word?

GERRY

You can fuckin' bet on it! Which one don't you like?

GLORIA

All the conjugations of, uh, well, fuck. Fuck, fucked, fucking,

you see? These are bad words, Gerry, and gentlemen don't use

them. And beginning immediately, you, sir, are a gentleman.

GERRY

Conju...what?

GLORIA

Conjugations. Verb forms. It doesn't matter. Just don't say that

awful word any more, in any form.

GERRY

Conjugations? Like in conjugal visits? They had those at State U.

They were good things. Fuckin' good things! And I mean those

boys and their women could fu--

GLORIA

Gerry! Enough!

GERRY

Right. Understood.

GLORIA

Now I want you to watch me very carefully and do what I do, okay?

Gerry nods.

Gloria picks up her fork and then her knife. She cuts a piece of pancake and places the knife on her plate. Then she switches the fork to the right hand to place the morsel into her mouth. She chews daintily, with her mouth closed, swallows and indicates that it's Gerry's turn. With exaggerated gestures, he follows her example perfectly, until he swallows: he grins triumphantly and belches.

Gloria bursts out laughing.

In front of a mirror, Gloria is cutting Gerry's hair. She is cutting quickly and deliberately, while Gerry sadly watches.

GLORIA

Cheer up, Gerry. I'm turning you into a handsome gentleman.

You look like Samson getting a hair cut from Delilah. I'm not

taking away your manly strength, you know.

 

GERRY

I know, but you're cutting away the story of my life.

GLORIA

Close your eyes and tell me what I'm cutting.

GERRY (closing his eyes)

Never knew my father. Moved around a lot, but he stayed too long

in the Bronx...on top of Maria. She was a good girl, though...went

to Mass every Sunday. Didn't pay much attention to the sermons.

Just the part about birth control being a sin. Anyway, I suppose I'm

what you get when you mix a lot of hot blood with a little Catholic morality...that's a good word, ain't it?

GLORIA

Morality? Yes, it's a very good word. Go on.

Seven-year-old YOUNG GERRY is sitting on the step of the dirty stoop. A lovely young Puerto Rican woman, MARIA, sits close to him. She speaks with a Spanish accent and is reading from a book of fairy tales.

MARIA (reading)

The mother duck sat on the nest and finally, one afternoon,

the large egg cracked and out came an ugly, gray-feathered

creature, quite unlike the other ducklings...

A DRUNKEN MAN appears, roughly takes Maria's arm and drags her down the steps leading to the basement apartment.

DRUNKEN MAN

Ven, puta.

Maria pulls away, but the man grabs her again.

YOUNG GERRY

Mama, please finish the story about the ugly baby bird.

MARIA

I can't now, mijo. But I'll be finished soon. Wait here for me.

Gerry's hair is short and styled. Gloria is cutting his beard with the scissors.

GERRY

I never heard the end of the story. I saw the man go away,

but Mama didn't come out. I went to get her, but she was dead.

Had a pillow on her face.

Gloria stops cutting.

GLORIA

Oh, that awful, awful man.

GERRY

If it wasn't him, it'd be some other asshole. Right after, the cops

came to take me away.

On the street in front of the building, an old black man,

OLD WASHINGTON, is playing the blues on a trumpet. Young Gerry runs out of the basement apartment and jumps into a garbage can. Two police officers come out of the apartment. They stop near Old Washington and one confronts him.

POLICE OFFICER

You, old man! Did you see a Puerto Rican brat around here?

OLD WASHINGTON (pointing down the street)

Yes, sir, Mr. Police Officer. He went that way.

Old Washington starts to play the trumpet and the officers run down the street. When they are out of sight, he leans over the garbage can and young Gerry's head emerges.

OLD WASHINGTON

What seems to be the trouble, boy?

YOUNG GERRY

My mama's dead. They want to take me away because nobody

wants me. I heard them talking.

OLD WASHINGTON

Everybody has somebody who wants them, young fella.

The trick is just to find that person.

He tosses a wallet to the boy and strolls away, playing his trumpet. Young Gerry opens the wallet. Inside, is money and a photo I.D. of one of the officers.

The police officer is frisking Old Washington.

POLICE OFFICER

You bastard! You lifted my wallet, now where is it?

Old Washington allows the officer to search him.

OLD WASHINGTON

Your wallet? Don't know, sir. I swear I didn't lift it.

Would never do nothin' like that. Especially to a man of the law.

Young Gerry is laughing and hungrily bites into a slice of pizza. Old Washington pats his head.

OLD WASHINGTON

Good, ain't it? Yes, each of us is God's lil' chile and he makes

sure that we got one person in the world what wants us.

We just gots to find ‘em.

GERRY

Who wants you, sir?

OLD WASHINGTON

Dunno, boy. Still lookin' for ‘em. Wanna come along?

We got all of America to look in.

Gerry's beard is very short. Gloria is standing by him with the scissors in her hand.

GLORIA

So that's how you ended up on the street.

GERRY

Yeah. Still looking for that person God picked out for me.

Still looking for true love, I guess.

He looks hopefully at Gloria.

GLORIA

You can stop looking, Gerry.

GERRY (smiling)

Yeah? Really?

GLORIA

Really. It doesn't exist.

GERRY

True love doesn't exist? You sure?

GLORIA

Yes, quite sure. I thought it did. Once. But then I grew up

and got smart. Take my advice and save yourself the pain.

Stop looking.

GERRY

Somebody hurt you, Gloria?

Gloria gives him a can of shaving cream and a razor.

GLORIA

Here, you'd better finish the job. I might accidentally cut you.

GERRY

Okay. Gloria?

GLORIA

Yes?

GERRY

You wouldn't know how that story ends, would you?

The one about the ugly baby bird?

Gloria is looking at Gerry through the reflection in the mirror.

GLORIA

Yes, I know. The ugly duckling grows into a handsome swan

And everybody admires him.

GERRY

No kidding? Well, I'll be a muthafu--

GLORIA

Gerry!

GERRY

Sorry. Uh, I mean...how nice.

Gerry presses the shaving dispenser and fills his hand with shaving cream. He looks into the mirror, remembering:

Old Washington is putting shaving cream around his trouser pockets. Near him, ADOLESCENT GERRY watches attentively. Washington places the shaving cream can on the corral fence and turns his back on Gerry. Inside the corral, several horses are grazing.

OLD WASHINGTON

Now, boy. Your job is to lift the wallet in my pocket without

you gettin' no foam on yo' hand. And be sure I feels nothin'.

Washington picks up his trumpet and begins to play. He watches the horses and pretends he doesn't know Gerry is there. Gerry looks at Washington's back pocket, then slowly puts his hand inside.

OLD WASHINGTON

No, son, not like that. I can tell you're lookin' at me.

Gotta be real nonchalant like. Just look straight ahead

at them pretty horses.

Young Gerry tries again, looking at the horses. The wallet is stuck in Washington's back pocket and as the boy tries to pull it out, his hands become covered with shaving cream. Washington blasts a note on the trumpet--an indication of his disappointment--and Gerry stops.

The blast startles the horses and one, trying to jump the fence, misses it and collapses. Two armed cowboys appear and check the injured horse. One races toward Washington and Gerry.

COWBOY

Stupid nigger! Look what you've done. If that horse has a broken

leg you're a dead man.

SECOND COWBOY (kneeling by the injured horse)

Hey Luke! The leg's broke. Kill that black son-of-a-bitch.

Washington raises his hands in a gesture of surrender. The cowboy pulls out his gun and aims it at the old man. Gerry cries out and falls to the ground. He is having a seizure, with eyes wide open and mouth foaming. The cowboys are impressed.

OLD WASHINGTON

Stay back, men! He's havin' one of his spells. Po' boy's sick

and it's catchin'. You best stay clear.

Gerry is now heading toward the corral. Foam continues to come out of his mouth and he has a wild-eyed expression on his face. Both cowboys aim their guns at him.

OLD WASHINGTON

Don't shoot! If you makes holes in the boy, the contagion will

Jump out and give us all the plague!

COWBOY

What are you standin' there for, nigger? Get that kid and git goin'

and don't stop ‘til you're both far away!

Washington nods. He picks up the boy and runs. They hide behind a tree and Washington puts Gerry down. They both laugh and Washington wipes the foam off Gerry's face.

OLD WASHINGTON

That wuz some good actin' boy, good fuckin' actin'. You ain't

Much good with them wallets, but you some kind of genius

with shavin' cream.

 

The walls are covered with photographs of Gloria, some with family, at different stages in her life. There are photographs of a young Gloria on a pony, on a yacht with her family, on a tropical beach. Adolescent photographs show her riding in a horse show, playing tennis, skiing and at her debutante ball. There are graduation photographs from college and law school, as well as several framed awards and certificates.

Gloria is laughing. Gerry is wearing one of Bruce's suits, which along with the shirt, is too small on him. Gloria is struggling to button the jacket. Even with the ill-fitting clothes, the clean-shaven Gerry, with his new hairstyle, looks very good.

GLORIA

You have some wonderful stories about you and Old Washington.

Sounds like you had more fun growing up on the road with him

than I had in our big house in Hillsborough. My upbringing was

very conventional.

GERRY

Until Old Washington died, I was very happy. He was my mother,

father, teacher and best friend.

Gloria finishes buttoning the jacket.

GLORIA

You're more muscular than Bruce. I'm afraid the suit's too small.

Let's try the shoes.

Gerry moves toward a chair. He's obviously uncomfortable in the tight clothing and walks stiffly.

GLORIA

Try to walk normally, Gerry. Relax.

Gerry relaxes and the buttons of the suit jacket pop open.

GLORIA

Oh, dear. Well, let's not worry about it now. There's no time.

Go ahead and try the shoes.

Gerry sits down and begins to insert his bare right foot into a shoe.

GLORIA

Gerry, let me teach you a new word. You'll like this one.

It ends with the same two letters as your very favorite word.

Gloria waves a sock in front of Gerry's face.

GLORIA

See? We call this a sock. It goes on first. Before the shoes.

Gerry grins affably, takes the pair of socks from Gloria and puts them on. He struggles to put his feet into the shoes, then tugs on the necktie.

GERRY

Do I gotta have this fu...I mean, this awful painted noose

around my neck? I'm fu...I'm choking.

GLORIA

Absolutely, sir. You can't be a real gentleman and the CEO

of a great company without it.

GERRY

What happened to the guy I'm replacing? He choke himself in

one of these fuckin' things?

GLORIA

Stand up. Let me have a look at you.

Gerry obeys and Gloria studies him.

GERRY

So, Mama Duck? Is your ugly baby bird a swan yet?

GLORIA (adjusting the jacket)

Almost. We're going to have to do something about your

feathers and that foul beak of yours.

GERRY

Fowl beak? That's funny, Gloria.

GLORIA

You understood that? That's called a pun. It's a play on words.

Gerry admires himself in the mirror and fidgets with the necktie.

GERRY

I hate this thing. So tight around my neck. Puts me in mind of

Those stinkin' cops who beat up on poor Old Washington.

 

Four policemen surround a YOUNG ADULT GERRY and Old Washington. One officer has a leather belt around the old man's neck and the other three are brutally beating him. Gerry drops to the ground, feigning a seizure. Old Washington, choking on the belt, can't speak, but tries to point to Gerry. The officers ignore him. Finally, the old man collapses and dies. Gerry jumps to his feet, but is struck down by one of the policemen.

GLORIA

Yes, they did a terrible thing. But you have to admit that

you and Old Washington were criminals.

 

GERRY

We were just taking some wallets. That's not a real crime,

like murder, or beating on an innocent old man.

GLORIA

Stealing is a crime.

GERRY

He wasn't even the one who lifted the cop's wallet. It was me.

GLORIA

You were pickpocketing a police officer? That wasn't a very

good idea.

GERRY

I guess not, but it didn't deserve for Old Washington to die the

way he did, did it?

GLORIA

No, it didn't deserve that. Okay. Let me see the CEO in action.

Walk over there.

Gerry winces, bends slightly at the waist and walks with tiny steps.

GLORIA

Gerry, stand tall. Remember, you're an executive. Walk like one.

Gerry straightens up and takes long robot-like strides across the room. Gloria puts her hands on her hips and shakes her head in resignation.

GLORIA

Never mind. We'll work on that later, too. We'd better go. Bruce

is waiting.

GERRY

Is it okay if I bring my trumpet?

GLORIA

Your trumpet? No, you won't need it.

GERRY

But I don't like to go nowhere without it.

GLORIA

Okay, then we'll take it. Now, may we go, sir?

GERRY

Yeah!

The next door neighbor, MILDRED, forties, stands on her driveway. Separating her property from Gloria's is a row of rose bushes--many are without blooms.

MILDRED

My roses! My prize-winning beauties! Gone. Gone, gone,

gone. I'd like to get my hands on the murderer who

killed my babies...

Gloria backs her car out of the garage. Gerry is sitting in the front next to her, staring blankly ahead.

Gloria drives the car into the parking garage.

INT. SAUSALITO RESORT BUILDING. CORRIDOR - DAY

Gloria walks down the corridor. Gerry, still in the ill-fitting suit, follows, carrying the trumpet. He walks stiffly and the grimace on his face reflects his discomfort. Several employees peek out of their offices to gape at this odd-looking fellow.

FRED ROSS, fifty, the resort's Financial Officer, waits in front of the door of the executive office. He watches with astonishment as Gloria and Gerry approach.

GLORIA

Hello, Fred.

Fred nods, but he's silently staring at Gerry.

GLORIA

Bruce is expecting us. Is he around?

Fred nods slowly, still gaping at Gerry.

GLORIA

Well? May we come in?

Fred steps aside, allowing them to pass. He follows them into the office.

GLORIA

Fred, let me introduce you to Gerry. Gerry E--

Gerry puts his trumpet under his arm, spits into his right palm and grabs the hands of a surprised--and disgusted--Fred. He pumps enthusiastically.

GERRY

Echevarria.

FRED

Fred Ross.

GERRY (still pumping)

How are they hanging, there, Fred?

Fred pulls his hand away and looks at Gloria. Bruce Hickman enters the office and rushes to embrace Gloria. He kisses her on the lips and Gerry is dismayed by her receptive response.

BRUCE

At last! I've been waiting for you to come and bring--

He stops and looks at Gerry, who is staring back with narrowed eyes.

BRUCE

What in the hell is that? Some sort of street performer?

GLORIA

What do you mean, ‘what in the hell is that?' This is he.

Your fall guy. Gerry, say hello to Mr. Hickman.

GERRY

How are they--

GLORIA (interrupting)

He's the man you'll be working with.

GERRY

Will I?

GLORIA

Yes. And you should be very honored.

GERRY

Should I? How come?

GLORIA

Mr. Hickman is going to be the next governor of California.

GERRY

¿De veras? Me importa un carajo.

(SUBTITLE: REALLY? I DON'T GIVE A SHIT)

Gerry spits on his right palm, wipes it on his tie and offers the hand to Bruce. Bruce stares at Gerry's hand, then puts his own into his pocket.

BRUCE

Is that one of my ties? And my suit?

GERRY (lifting his trouser hem)

And shoes and socks, too. Ever notice how ‘sock' almost

rhymes with ‘fuck,' Mr. Hickman?

Gloria glowers at Gerry. He smiles mischievously and bats his eyes. Then he starts to clean his ear with his finger. Bruce takes Gloria's arm and leads her to the adjoining bathroom.

BRUCE

Does that creature out there have a name?

GLORIA

He's not a creature, Bruce. He's a human being and a very

nice one. And of course he has a name. Didn't you hear me

call him Gerry?

The door opens and Gerry sticks his head inside.

GERRY

Excuse me, Miss Gable? It's Mr. Geraldo Echevarria.

It's only Gerry to my friends.

Gerry retreats, closing the door behind him.

BRUCE

Echevarria. And that was Spanish he was speaking, wasn't it?

How could you be so stupid, Gloria? I told you to hire a fall

guy...not a trumpet-playing Mariachi bean eater!

GLORIA

That's cruel, Bruce. And you're the stupid one. Gerry's Puerto

Rican, not Mexican.

BRUCE

Puerto Rican? That's worse!

GLORIA

I'm sorry, okay? But none of that matters. You wanted a fall

guy today and I didn't have time for a talent search.

So like it or not, Gerry is your fall guy.

BRUCE

You're right, of course. We don't have very much time.

My source tells me the Feds are launching their investigation, but...

GLORIA

But what?

BRUCE (looking at the closed door)

Take another look at the man. Do you think the FBI is going to

Believe that he is the CEO of the Sausalito Resort?

GLORIA

Hopefully. But the real question is, will having a fall guy be

enough to solve your problem?

BRUCE

I think so. I can't afford a scandal now, with the elections less

than a month away. We can at least buy some time.

GLORIA

I don't know, Bruce. I'm not convinced.

BRUCE

We can do it, if we work together. Can I count on your

cooperation or not?

GLORIA

I guess so.

Bruce tries to take Gloria in his arms, but she resists.

BRUCE

What is it? What's wrong?

GLORIA

That's not exactly what I meant when I said I'd cooperate.

BRUCE

Nonsense!

Bruce takes Gloria in his arms again, but she doesn't resist as much.

BRUCE

I've always counted on your total cooperation...

Bruce kisses Gloria.

BRUCE

...and you've always given it to me.

They kiss.

GLORIA (sarcastically)

That's because you're so very hard to resist.

BRUCE

So you do still find me attractive.

GLORIA

I'm a normal, healthy woman, aren't I ?

Bruce kisses Gloria's neck.

BRUCE

Yes, indeed. And very delicious.

GLORIA

Thank you. But not delicious enough to completely satisfy

you, right?

BRUCE

Are you going to bring up my foolish one night stand again?

GLORIA

Not really. I was simply saying that if I were really that

scrumptious, you might not have been licking some other

plate when we were engaged.

BRUCE

As you long as you brought it up, may I comment that your

appetite is equal to my own and that sooner or later you

may have gone out to dinner, as well?

GLORIA

You may comment...but I would disagree.

BRUCE

At any rate, we still enjoy each other and no real damage was

done. True?

GLORIA

I suppose.

BRUCE

Good. So what do you say we go back in there and get your

Spanish-speaking friend settled in?

GLORIA

Okay. Let's see what we can do.

The flash from a camera momentarily blinds Gerry, who is standing in front of a large desk. Several executives and office personnel scurry around him.

PHOTOGRAPHER

Now, a group photo.

Hesitantly, some executives approach Gerry. Fred doesn't move until Bruce pushes him toward Gerry. Gerry puts an arm around the unhappy Fred's shoulders and the photographer takes a photo. A worker removes Bruce's name from the door, another prepares a plate with Gerry's name. A third takes Bruce's diplomas off the wall.

Fred, observing the activity, shakes his head unhappily. Bruce sees Gloria's photo on his desk and starts to remove it.

GLORIA

What's my photo still doing on your desk?

BRUCE

I told you. I need to have you near me.

GLORIA

Uh-huh, well, leave it there for now. I can be Gerry's girl.

Gerry smiles, pleased, but Bruce laughs.

BRUCE

The Feds can swallow a lot, but let's not ask them to believe

that this fellow can attract a beautiful and successful attorney.

GLORIA

Why not? Isn't love supposed to be blind?

BRUCE

Blind, perhaps...

He glances quickly at Gerry and lowers his voice.

BRUCE

Anosmic? No. Gloria, the man radiates a profoundly noxious

stench, redolent of a--

GERRY

Say what?

BRUCE

Since you insist on being included, I'll speak plainly.

You stink, my friend.

GLORIA

Bruce! Gerry smells very nice. He took a bath, with salts.

BRUCE

Indeed. But it only superficially masks the feculence of his

ignoble being.

GERRY

What?

BRUCE

Mr. Echevarria, it's not enough that you washed your body.

Your insides still stink.

Bruce picks up Gloria's photo, but Gerry pulls it out of his hand and gently replaces it.

GLORIA

Bruce, try to be pleasant. We all have to work together.

BRUCE

Of course. But you forget, my dear, that you appear

hand-in-hand with me on my television campaign

announcements. How would it look if your photo was

seen on the desk of another man?

GLORIA

He's right Gerry. Better let him have it.

GERRY

Yeah? Great! I'd love to let him have it.

Gerry and Bruce exchange confrontational looks.

GLORIA

We're wasting time. Fred, are the new documents ready for

Gerry to sign?

FRED

Yes, Joan will be right in with the budget, financial reports

end minutes.

BRUCE (to Gloria)

Can he write?

GERRY

Old Washington teach...taught me to read, write and count.

He used to say it's the only way honest folk can protect

themselves from crooks in fancy suits.

The two men exchange another confrontational look.

FRED

We've prepared new documents for last year and this year,

Mr. Hickman. But what if the Feds want to see earlier records?

BRUCE

They'll have to consult our attorney. Counselor?

Gloria pauses to think.

GLORIA

Well, we can't deliver papers that we don't have, can we?

BRUCE

No, of course not! Fred, did you forget about that fire we

Had last year? The one that tragically destroyed so many

of the firm's important documents?

FRED

The fire? Oh, yes! How forgetful of me...the fire. Yes!

BRUCE

Fred, didn't you have an important telephone call to make?

FRED

Yes, I did. Excuse me, everybody?

Fred rushes out and bumps into Joan, who enters carrying a stack of documents. She deposits them on the desk, smiles flirtatiously at Bruce, and leaves. Bruce nudges Gerry to take the seat behind the desk.

GLORIA (to Bruce)

And she would be...?

BRUCE

New. Senator Burton asked me to hire her and I couldn't

refuse. Anyway, she's very industrious and quite accommodating.

GLORIA

I'll bet she is. No doubt she's going to be a permanent fixture

around here.

GERRY

You mean like that other secretary?

GLORIA

The one the boss liked so much?

GERRY

Yeah! In that old story! He liked her so much he wanted to

make her a permanent fixture in the office?

GLORIA

That's the one!

GERRY

So he screwed her on his desk!

GLORIA

Right!

Gerry and Gloria laugh; nobody else does. Bruce is about to say something, when Fred returns.

BRUCE

Ah, Fred! Just in time. Can you show our CEO where to

sign, please?

Fred approaches the desk.

FRED

I hope the Feds don't try to verify the entry dates on these.

BRUCE

We just need to stall them for a few weeks.

FRED

Okay. But I hope you know what you're doing.

He offers a pen to Gerry. Gerry spits on his hand and wipes it dry on his suit jacket. Bruce looks on with disgust, as Gerry takes the pen. Licking his lips like a child trying to stay between the lines in a coloring book, Gerry slowly and deliberately signs his name. Bruce takes Gloria aside and whispers.

BRUCE

I'm afraid that your fall guy is not going to convince

anybody that he's in charge of this company.

GLORIA

If they come today, no, but if I have a few days, I can

Transform him into a convincing executive. I know I can.

Fred brings a paper that Gerry has signed.

FRED

Look at his signature. He writes like my eight-year-old son.

Gloria takes the document to Gerry.

GLORIA

Gerry, this is very nice, but it's not the way important men

sign important papers. You have to scribble so that nobody

can read your name.

GERRY

No shi...I mean, is that right?

GLORIA

U-huh. Doctors, lawyers, presidents, all scribble their names.

You too, just be sure every signature is identical.

GERRY

And Mr. Hickman? Is that what he does?

BRUCE

I happen to have excellent penmanship. Every letter is

perfectly proportioned.

GERRY

Swell. I'll scribble.

Gerry rapidly scribbles on a succession of documents.

GERRY

Like this?

GLORIA

Perfect! That's it, Gerry, scribble on everything, where it says

President and CEO.

She shows Bruce and Fred some of the signed documents.

GLORIA

See? All you have to do is show him.

FRED

This isn't going to work, you know. They're going to see right

Through all this and then they'll go looking for accomplices.

And who will they look at? Me, the Financial Officer.

I'm sorry, Mr. Hickman, Miss Gable, but I have a family.

What would happen to them if I end up in prison?

Maybe you'd better count me out.

BRUCE

Relax, Fred, relax. When the investigation ends, you will be

generously rewarded.

FRED

When the investigation ends, I'll be in prison.

Bruce seizes Fred by his jacket.

BRUCE

Don't mess with me, Fred. One word to one of my friends and

you're going to have more to worry about than prison!

Gloria steps between the men.

GLORIA

Gerry's smarter than he looks. Really. If you can stall the FBI

for a few days, I'll try to humanize him. He'll pass as the CEO.

Trust me.

FRED

I don't know. There's so many details to worry about.

Agents aren't fools.

BRUCE

Neither are we.

A shoe grazes Bruce's head. Everyone turns to look at Gerry, who has removed the other shoe and tosses it. He stretches his legs on the desk, removes a cigar from a humidor, lights it and inhales. Then he leans back and smiles at the group. Everyone regards him; there is a glimmer of hope. Then he exhales and from behind a cloud of smoke, belches loudly.

Gerry is seated at the dining table, holding a large mug of beer. The table is beautifully set and lined up in front of him are a variety of glasses, dishes and silverware. In one gulp, Gerry consumes the beer and is about to belch.

GLORIA

No noise.

Gerry, trying to refrain from belching, speaks with difficulty.

GERRY

But the air, where does the air go?

He points to his mouth. Gloria shakes her head. He points to his lower abdomen and looks questioningly at her. She shakes her head in disapproval.

GERRY

The air has to come out of someplace.

GLORIA

It doesn't matter where the air comes out. It matters that it

comes out quietly.

Gerry closes his eyes and swallows hard. Then he silently opens his mouth, closes it and smiles with satisfaction.

GLORIA

Excellent. You can touch the napkin to your lips as you do it.

Gerry takes a napkin and with finesse, brings it to his lips. Gloria smiles and nods, but a noisy belch escapes and Gerry lifts his arms in exasperation.

GERRY

As Old Washington used to say, wind and secrets got lots

in common. Both have a way of showing themselves.

GLORIA

Quietly. That's the rule. Now continue with the dishes.

GERRY

The salad plate, the soup bowl, the oval one for fish, the small

one for pie.

GLORIA

And the silverware?

GERRY (in one breath)

Soup spoon, salad fork, meat fork, fish fork, fruit fork and dessert

spoon. Blunt knife for salad, the saw-looking knife for meat,

the shovel knife for fish and the fuckin' fruit knife.

GLORIA

Don't say the "F" word.

GERRY

Fruit?

GLORIA

Very funny. Now the glasses.

GERRY

Large for water, wine glass for white wine, tulip for red wine,

narrow fluted for champagne, so the bubbles don't escape.

GLORIA

Right! I wish I had your memory, you genius.

Gerry smiles, pleased with his performance and Gloria's praise. He opens a can of beer and raises it, holding his little finger out at a sharp angle.

The glass door of the office reads Humbold & Humbold, Attorneys at Law."

Gloria enters and Gerry, holding his trumpet, follows.

GLORIA

I'll be right back. Wait here.

Gerry sits in the waiting area.

RECEPTIONIST

Miss Gable! Thank goodness you're here! The boss wants

you in his office right away.

GLORIA

His mood?

RECEPTIONIST

Dark, as usual. Here. These are for you.

The receptionist hands Gloria a stack of mail. Gloria turns and smiles at Gerry. He beams.

GLORIA

You'll be okay?

GERRY

Yeah! Don't worry about me.

Gloria walks down the corridor. A middle-aged man opens an office door and leans out. It's ARNOLD HUMBOLD.

HUMBOLD (sarcastically)

Miss Gable, what a pleasant surprise. You've decided to

honor us with your presence.

GLORIA

Sorry, Arnold. I had to make a stop at Bruce's office.

He's in trouble.

HUMBOLD

Come in.

Gerry quietly makes his way toward Humbold's office. He slips into the adjacent washroom.

Gerry presses the bell of his trumpet against the wall and places the mouthpiece in his ear. He's trying to hear what's going on next door. When he hears nothing, he tries several spots until he can hear voices.

GLORIA (off)

Arnold, no.

HUMBOLD (off)

Why not?

GLORIA

We have to talk about Bruce.

Gloria wriggles out of Humbold's arms.

HUMBOLD

It's always Bruce, isn't it? One way or another, he manages to

be a very large pain in the ass.

GLORIA

Maybe. But he's a very necessary pain in the ass. We both

need him and we need him out of trouble.

HUMBOLD

But he keeps finding it, doesn't he? What you see in him,

I don't know.

GLORIA

Well, Bruce has a certain...something. He's handsome and he

can be very charming and he's--

HUMBOLD

A good lover?

GLORIA

Well, yes, as a matter of fact, he is.

HUMBOLD

And me? I'm not bad for an old man, am I?

GLORIA

You know you're not. And you're not an old man.

Arnold takes Gloria's hand and kisses it.

HUMBOLD

Thank you. Alright, we'll talk about your fiancé.

GLORIA

Good. We have to get him out of the mess he's in, otherwise

He won't get to the governor's mansion. And he's not my

fiancé anymore.

HUMBOLD

I know, I know. You're just keeping up appearances until

after the election.

GLORIA

That's right.

HUMBOLD

Very well, Gloria, but I hope you haven't forgotten my offer?

You marry him and after he's elected, you use your influence

to advance the firm--

GLORIA (interrupting)

And you, of course.

HUMBOLD

Of course. And I'll make you a partner.

GLORIA

I'm thinking about it. Really. But we have to get him elected first.

Agreed?

HUMBOLD

Agreed.

Gloria extends her hand. Arnold takes it, but instead of a handshake, he pulls her to him.

GLORIA

Arnold, I told you ‘no.'

HUMBOLD

One little kiss for your new partner?

Gloria starts to give him a peck on the cheek, but Arnold turns his head and the kiss lands on his mouth.

Gerry, holding his trumpet, rushes out of the washroom. He bursts into Humbold's office.

GERRY

The lady said ‘no,' you son-of-a-bitch!

Gerry advances toward Humbold.

GLORIA

No, don't!

Gerry punches Humbold in the abdomen and the man doubles over.

GLORIA

Gerry! You fool! Get out of here!

HUMBOLD

Gloria, call Security!

GLORIA

No, it's okay, Arnold. He's working for me. Gerry, go

to the waiting room. I'll be right there.

GERRY

But, Gloria, that sex maniac--

GLORIA

Do as I said. Now!

Gerry walks out of the office, but waits by the open door. Gloria tries to help Humbold.

GLORIA

Arnold, are you okay? Let me help you to the couch.

HUMBOLD

You've helped me enough today. Get out and take that

homicidal maniac with you.

GLORIA

At least let me explain.

HUMBOLD

I'm not up to listening to your explanation right now. Go!

Gloria turns to go.

HUMBOLD

Gloria!

GLORIA

Yes?

HUMBOLD

You'd better put a muzzle on that junkyard dog of yours!

He's dangerous!

Gerry appears in the doorway.

GERRY

You touch her and I'll show you how dangerous I am.

HUMBOLD

Pathetic little man. Do you know who you're threatening?

Gerry enters and punches Humbold again.

GERRY

Me importa un carajo.

Gloria grabs Gerry and pushes him out the door.

GLORIA

Mr. Humbold wouldn't take any of my calls today.

I hope to God you didn't get me fired.

GERRY

You're smart. You don't need that dirty old man to be a lawyer.

GLORIA

You don't understand.

GERRY

I understand plenty.

GLORIA

No, you don't. I worked hard to get where I am. Do you know

where that is?

GERRY

Yeah! In bed with two men who don't love you.

GLORIA

Love, again? What is it with you? I told you. There's no such

thing as love.

GERRY

So you don't have to be in love to have sex with a guy?

GLORIA

Of course not. There are better reasons.

GERRY

Really? Such as...?

GLORIA

Fun.

GERRY

Yeah? What else?

GLORIA

The profit you gain by the experience.

GERRY

Oh! Sex for fun and profit. I get it. Like my mother and

her friends.

GLORIA

Your mother? But your mother was a... How dare you

say that to me? Take it back.

GERRY

No. I loved my mother. But--

Gloria stands up, exits and starts to go upstairs.

GLORIA

I don't have to listen to this.

Gerry follows her to the first step and shouts:

GERRY

Why not? I ain't said nothing wrong! It's just that I love

you too, Gloria and I'm afraid that--

Gloria reaches the top of the stairs and turns to look at him. There are tears in her eyes.

GLORIA

Shut up! Shut up, you ignorant bastard! You don't know

anything about me or love, or...anything!

Gloria hurries into her bedroom, slams the door shut and locks it.

Accompanied by a musical CRESCENDO, a series of rose bushes are revealed. No roses remain on the bushes.

Mildred, dressed in a bathrobe and hair curlers, is standing in her yard. She surveys the scene with her mouth open and wails.

Gerry is wearing white silk pajamas and is sleeping on the sofa. Mildred's wail disturbs him, and as he rolls over, his blanket drops to the floor.

Gloria is asleep in bed.

MILDRED's VOICE

Help! Police!

Gloria stirs.

MILDRED's VOICE

Murderer! I'll send you to jail! My babies, my poor roses.....

Gloria wakes up and opens her eyes. Surrounding her are large bouquets of red roses. She jumps out of bed, puts on her robe and tries to open the door, but it's locked. She turns the key and exits.

MILDRED's VOICE

Rose killer! Listen to me, you murderer! Come near

my babies again and I'll shoot you!

Gloria enters and sees Gerry. She throws the blanket over him.

Gerry opens his eyes and smiles.

GERRY

That was nice, thanks.

GLORIA

Don't give me your thanks and fucking little boy smile!

Get the hell up!

GERRY

Did you say that awful "F" word? And the "H" word too?

GLORIA

Shit! I guess so. God, you make me so angry. I don't

even sound like ‘me' anymore!

Gerry looks adoringly at Gloria.

GERRY

You sound wonderful. Real-like.

GLORIA (trying to calm down)

Gerry. Really real people don't talk real-like. I mean real-ly.

I mean--

GERRY

Last night you talked real-ly real-like.Last night you--

GLORIA

Forget about last night! Look. Conversation is an art.

Words have to be carefully selected, so only the perfect

ones are picked. Understand?

GERRY

No.

MILDRED's VOICE

You've been warned, you criminal! I'll kill you dead if you

show up here again!

GLORIA

Like Mildred's flowers. You picked her perfect roses again

and now she's furious.

Gerry tries to look apologetic, but he's not trying very hard.

GERRY

Okay. I swear. I won't murder none of her precious babies

no more.

GLORIA

Won't murder...none no more? Is that a double negative?

What exactly are you saying?

GERRY

I'm saying, I-won't-kill-no-more-of-her-precious-babies. Okay?

GLORIA

Really? You promise?

GERRY

Yeah! Abso-fuckin-lutely!

Gloria can't resist and laughs.

GLORIA

Good. Because you see that it's the same as pickpocketing?

Stealing something that belongs to someone else?

 

GERRY

Yeah! And because there's nothing left to pick.

GLORIA

You're incorrigible. Do you know that?

GERRY

Yeah! Whatever that is.

GLORIA

Hey, I just thought of something.

Gloria races out of the room.

Gerry starts to belch, but pulls a handkerchief out of his pocket, puts it in front of his mouth and belches quietly into it. Then he looks worried, places the handkerchief on his rear and smiles. Gloria, carrying her purse, returns. She opens the purse and pulls out Gerry's chain and magnet.

GLORIA

Look! I had your magnet, so how did you get into my

bedroom?

GERRY

All things are possible. Says so in the Good Book.

Gloria and Gerry smile and look intently at each other for a moment. Then she puts the chain back in the purse and tosses it to him.

GLORIA

Go take a shower, Mr. Know It All. I'll get breakfast ready.

GERRY

I took a shower yesterday.

GLORIA

Shower and shave every day.

Gerry frowns.

GERRY

Okay, but GQ says you shouldn't shampoo no more than

twice a week. Keeps the hair shining... and on your head.

Gloria playfully slaps his arm and he goes upstairs.

Bruce, elegantly dressed and with a red rose in his jacket lapel, sits at the table. Gloria is serving him pancakes.

BRUCE

If you can change that frog into a prince, then you're some

Kind of witch.

GLORIA

Witch? That's not very chivalrous. Gerry calls me his fairy

godmother... when he's not calling me his Mother Teresa.

BRUCE

Your chivalrous Gerry punched your employer--twice.

GLORIA

He thought he was defending me.

BRUCE

From what?

GLORIA

A sex maniac.

BRUCE

Assaulting Arnold was a big mistake.

GLORIA

I know. He should have gone after the real sex maniac around

here.

BRUCE

I hope you're not referring to me.

GLORIA

Oh, lighten up, Bruce. I'm just having a little fun.

BRUCE

When we've cleaned up the mess and I'm happily sleeping in

the governor's mansion, I'll lighten up. One more thing.

GLORIA

Now what?

BRUCE

I spoke with Arnold this morning. He said to tell you that all

is forgiven. He's expecting you at work today.

GLORIA

Is he? Did he tell you why he didn't take any of my calls

yesterday?

Bruce shrugs.

BRUCE

The important thing is that he's still on our team. We both

need Arnold Humbold.

GLORIA

I know. But still, don't you think it's kind of endearing, the way

Gerry rushed to my rescue?

BRUCE

Endearing isn't the word I would have selected. Good grief, I

hope you're not indulging in any schoolgirl fantasies about that

tramp.

GLORIA

Don't be silly. What sort of fantasies?

BRUCE

Oh, that he's a knight in shining armor who will save you and take

you away to live happily ever after.

Gerry appears at the threshold, wearing a silk bathrobe.

BRUCE

Does he always have to be wearing my clothes?

GLORIA

We're going shopping today.

BRUCE

Good. And you can throw away anything of mine that he's touched.

GLORIA

That's ridiculous. All we have to do is have them cleaned.

Gerry takes a few steps toward Bruce. His fists are clenched.

GLORIA

Gerry, greet Mr. Hickman.

Gerry spits on his right palm and dries it on the robe. He stiffly extends his hand to Bruce, who looks at it with disgust.

GLORIA

Gerry!

Gerry belches loudly and smiles.

GLORIA

Gerry, please. Behave like a gentleman.

GERRY

Yes, ma'am. Miss Gable.

Gerry joins them and picks up a fork. He wiggles his nose as if he's about to sneeze and Gloria offers him a napkin. He ignores it. Instead, he presses his right thumb against his nostril and blows his nose into his hand--and on the fork. Bruce recoils in horror.

BRUCE

Disgusting man! Gloria, how can you eat in his presence?

I certainly can't!

Bruce leaves the table and storms out of the house. Gloria still holds the napkin in her hand.

GLORIA

Why did you do that? You made me look like a fu..a fool in

front of Bruce.

GERRY

Why did you correct yourself? You are a fuckin' fool.

GLORIA

Stop it.

GERRY

Sorry. It's just that I can't stand that son-of-a-bitch. Why do

you stay with him?

GLORIA

I don't have to explain myself to you.

GERRY

I know. I'm just curious.

GLORIA

Bruce is an important client and we, we need each other.

Gerry nods.

GLORIA

Go ahead...say it.

GERRY

Say what?

GLORIA

What you're thinking. I can see it on your face.

GERRY

I ain't got nothing on my face.

GLORIA

You mean, there's nothing on your face.

GERRY

Yeah! Right!

Gerry smiles at Gloria.

GLORIA

Okay, but we can't work together if you're going to insult

me and my friends. Agreed?

GERRY

Yeah.

GLORIA

So I think we should limit our conversations to the things

I'm supposed to teach you. Okay?

GERRY

Sure. Miss Gable, ma'am.

GLORIA

That's better. Now take the napkin.

Gerry takes the napkin, puts it over his face and blows his nose loudly. Gloria opens her mouth to speak, but Gerry interrupts.

GERRY

Quietly. I know. Fancy folks can do whatever they want.

As long as they do it quietly.

Gerry tosses the napkin across to Gloria. She is about to answer him, when they hear a disturbance outside.

MILDRED's VOICE

Hands up!

BRUCE's VOICE

For heaven's sake, madam! Don't shoot!

Gerry and Gloria look at each other. Gloria jumps away from the table and runs outside. Gerry follows.

Mildred is pointing a BB gun at Bruce's back.

MILDRED

Turn around or I'll pluck off your head like you did to

my babies!

Gloria and Gerry rush to Mildred's yard.

BRUCE

Gloria, help me! This crazy woman is going to shoot me!

MILDRED

Crazy? You're the crazy one, you homicidal rose killer!

I have proof!

She walks slowly toward Bruce and pulls the rose out of his lapel.

GLORIA

Mildred! You know Bruce. You know he'd never hurt

your roses. Put the gun down.

Mildred studies the rose for a moment, then tosses it away. She lowers the rifle.

MILDRED

I'm sorry, Gloria dear. I don't know what I was thinking.

That's not one of my prize-winning roses. That's an inferior

specimen.

Gerry approaches Mildred. He bows, takes her hand and kisses it noisily. He points toward Bruce, but it's unclear if he's pointing at the man or the rejected rose.

GERRY

You're quite right, ma'am. Inferior. You, however, are an

exquisite rose.

Mildred is flattered and gushes.

MILDRED

Oh, my! How I envy you, Gloria. Your friend is so charming...

And so handsome! You must bring him over for tea some afternoon.

GERRY (bowing)

Thank you. We will be charmed.

Mildred returns to her house. Bruce starts to say something, but changes his mind and storms off. Gloria has been stifling a laugh and is about to lose control. Gerry puts his finger on her mouth.

GERRY

It's okay to exhale, but quietly. Remember?

Ten employees are lined up in the corridor. Bruce and Gloria are introducing them to Gerry. His appearance has been completely transformed by his new hair style, impeccable grooming and tailored wardrobe.

BRUCE

This is Mr. Echevarria. He's the CEO of the Resort, but

he's been abroad the last two years. Now that he's back,

he'll be taking over. Do whatever he tells you.

Gerry shakes the mens' hands--a bit too strongly. Some wince. Joan, carrying a stack of documents, enters.

BRUCE

Sweetheart, where's Fred?

JOAN

In his office, packing. Say's he quitting.

GLORIA

So now it's ‘sweetheart?' Fast work.

BRUCE

Spare me your jealous indignation, Gloria.

(to Joan)

Call him and tell him...never mind.

(to Gloria)

Come. We'd better talk to Fred.

Fred has a crumpled, tired appearance. Gerry, Bruce and Gloria are standing in front of him.

FRED

It won't work. He looks like an executive, but he doesn't

know anything. What's he going to tell the investigators?

GERRY

Teach me.

FRED

Teach you what?

GLORIA

Fred, Gerry's a quick study. He doesn't have to pass an

MBA exam. He just has to know enough to be convincing.

GERRY

Yeah! Then I'll confess and go to State U instead of his

future honor, Governor Bruce.

Gerry and Bruce look at each other with intense dislike.

BRUCE

Fred, he's our only chance. Teach him what he needs to know.

I assure you. You won't be going to jail.

Bruce and Gloria exit. Gerry smiles at Fred.

GERRY

Okay, Fred. Exactly what kind of racket are we talking about

here?

Fred gestures for Gerry to sit down. Gerry waits, but Fred says nothing.

GERRY

Spit it out, Fred. Believe me, you ain't gonna shock me very

much.

FRED

It's a matter of capital diversion.

GERRY

Capital diversion. Well, if you're using that kind of fancy talk,

it means the governor did some fancy stepping. What kind?

FRED

Alternate forms of creative financing were required to achieve

our corporate goals.

GERRY

I'm losin' patience, Fred. I don't want to hear no lawyer

gobbledegook. Just speak plain, man.

FRED

It was Hickman's idea! Our shareholders weren't getting enough

returns and started to complain. To shut them up, we...I mean

Hickman... started another company and sold shares in it.

We used those funds to pay the original investors.

Fred stops talking and looks at Gerry.

GERRY

That's it?

Fred remains mute.

GERRY

Come out with it!

FRED

It's very difficult to explain.

GERRY

Try.

FRED

Perhaps we should have paid taxes...

Gerry is walking through the room with a book balanced on his head. Gloria is seated on the sofa.

GERRY

Then they paid false dividends to the shareholders of the

Other company and put the rest of the loot in a Swiss bank.

In other words, the old Ponzi scheme.

GLORIA

How do you know about Ponzi schemes?

GERRY

From some of my professors at State U. Anyway, it looks like

one of the shareholders blew the whistle before his honor

could get himself elected.

GLORIA

I know Bruce needed money to finance his campaign, but he's

not a crook. I'm sure he didn't know what Fred was doing.

Gerry bends down to take Gloria's hand and the book falls on the floor.

GERRY

Oops! Sorry. But you didn't see that book fall, did you?

Love or whatever it is you have for his honor, made

you go blind.

Gerry tenderly, but noisily, kisses Gloria's hand. She trembles. They look into each other's eyes and maintain their positions for a moment. Then Gloria withdraws her hand. She is trying to maintain composure.

GLORIA (with a teacher's tone)

That's not the right way to kiss a lady's hand. You should

bow, take it and put your mouth very close. But stop before

you touch it. And the most important rule is--

GERRY

No noise.

Gloria smiles and nods.

GLORIA

I picked up your new tuxedo today. Go put it on.

Gerry whistles happily. He's in the tuxedo and is trying to knot the bow tie. Gloria, in evening dress, appears behind him and puts her hands on his shoulders.

GLORIA

Let me do that for you.

She slowly knots the tie. Gerry is looking at her through the mirror and doesn't take his eyes off her. As soon as she finishes, he takes her hands.

GERRY

Thank you.

They stare at each other in the mirror; their faces reveal their attraction to each other. Then Gloria, flustered, steps back and walks out of the room. Gerry finishes combing his hair and winks at his reflection.

GERRY

You were right, Washie ol' pal. The cowl makes the monk 

and I'm one pretty man monk.