A bit of fun

Salve a tutti!   Hi!, Hello!, Hola!, Salut!, Tschub!   My name is Salvatore but my friends call me Sal.
Although, many foreigners confuse my name with the Spanish ones, like   Salvador Dali.

Please, mail me any comments, questions or suggestions. (salcili@libero.it)

Index

Un Sorriso  -  A Smile

Non costa nulla e produce molto.
Doesn't cost anything and produces a lot.
Arricchisce chi lo riceve
Makes rich those who receive it
senza impoverire chi lo dona.
without making those poor who give it.
Non dura che un istante
Doesn't last more than an instant
ma nel ricordo può essere eterno.
but can last forever in the memory.
Nessuno è così ricco da poterne fare a meno
No one is so rich that they don't need it anymore
e nessuno è così povero da non meritarlo.
and no one is so poor that they don't deserve it.
Creatore di felicità in casa,
Creator of happiness at home,
negli affari è sostegno:
in the business it's support:
è il segno sensibile dell'amicizia profonda.
it's the sensible sign of the deep friendship.
Un sorriso
A smile
dà riposo alla stanchezza
gives rest to tiredness
e allo scoraggiamento,
and to discouragement,
nella tristezza è consolazione.
in sadness it's consolation.
Rinnova il coraggio:
Renew courage:
è l'antidoto naturale alle nostre pene,
it's the natural antidote to our sufferance,
è un bene che non si può comprare
it's goodness that we cannot buy
né prestare e né rubare
lend or steal
poiché ha solo valore nell'istante in cui si dona,
since it only has value at the instant at which it's given,
e se poi incontrerete
and if you meet
chi l'aspettato sorriso a voi non dona,
one who doesn't give to you the expected smile,
siate generosi e date il vostro
be generous and give to them yours
perché nessuno ha tanto bisogno
because no one needs as much
di un sorriso
as a smile
come colui che non sà darlo.
as the one who doesn't know how to give it.

                                        Sal

Index

A piece of chocolate

Top twenty reasons why chocolate is better than sex:

• You can GET chocolate.
• "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
• Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
• You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
• You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
• You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
• If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
• Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
• You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
• You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
• You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
• With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
• Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
• You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
• Good chocolate is easy to find.
• You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
• You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
• When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbours awake.
• With chocolate size doesn't matter.
• The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

Send this to 5 people or your heart will be broken in the next 24 hours.   This has been proven to work.   It has travelled around the world 50 times in the past 2 weeks, and over 300 couples have broken up.   So, if you have ever wanted to fall in love, or if you want to keep whatever you have now going, all I gotta say is get to sendin'...

Thanks to:   Riitta Hongisto

Index

Fuck!

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colourful words in the English language today is the word "fuck".   It is the one magical word which, just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, love and hate.   In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories.   It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John).   It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).   It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful), or an interjection (Fuck!   I am late for my date with Mary).   It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid).   As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word   "fuck".

Aside from its sexual connotations this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

It can be used in an anatomical description:	"He's a fucking ass-hole."
It can be used to tell time:	"It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business:	"How did I wind up with this fucking job."
It can be maternal:	"MOTHERFUCKER."
It can be political:	"Fuck Dan Quayle!"
Aggression:	"FUCK YOU!"
Apathy:	"Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
Confusion:	"What the fuck . . . ?"
Disbelief:	"UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
Denial:	"I didn't fucking do it!"
Despair:	"Fucked again . . ."
Difficulty:	"I don't understand this fucking business!"
Directions:	"FUCK OFF."
Disbelief:	"How the fuck did you do that?"
Disgust:	"Fuck me."
Displeasure:	"What the fuck is going on here?"
Fraud:	"I got fucked by the car dealer."
Greetings:	"How the fuck are ya?"
Lost:	"Where the fuck are we?"
Panic:	"Let's get the fuck out of here."
Perplexity:	"I know fuck all about it."
Pleasure:	"I couldn't be fucking happier."
Resignation:	"Oh, fuck it!"
Retaliation:	"Up your fucking ass!"
Suspicious:	"Who the fuck are you?"
Trouble:	"I guess I'm fucked now."
Sloth:	"Doing a large amount of fuck all."
Lust:	"I fucking like her."
Avarice:	"That's my fucking money."
Envy:	"He makes me fucking mad."
Wrath:	"I am going to fucking get you."
Gluttony:	"I am fucking hungry"
Pride:	"I am fucking proud of it."

  It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:

Mayor of Hiroshima	"What the fuck was that?"
General Custer	"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"
Captain of the Titanic	"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"
John Lennon	"That's not a real fucking gun."
Richard Nixon	"Who's gonna fucking find out?"
Anne Boleyn	"Heads are going to fucking roll."
Commander of Space Shuttle	"Let the fucking woman drive."
"Challenger", Mark Thatcher	"What fucking map?"
Albert Einstein	"Any fucking idiot could understand that."
Picasso	"It fucking does look like her!"
Pythagoras	"How the fuck did you work that out?"
Michelangelo	"You want what on the fucking ceiling?"
Walt Disney	"Fuck a duck."
Edmund Hilary	"Why? - Because its fucking there!"
Joan of Ark	"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?"
Noah	"Scattered fucking showers my ass."
John Travolta	"It's pretty fucking good milk-shake."
John F. Kennedy	"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head."

  Thanks to:   Michael Jungmann

Index

English Jokes

Jesus:	"What's your name?"
man:	"I don't remember."
Jesus:	"Where are you from?"
man:	"I don't remember."
Jesus:	"But, at least tell me what you were doing in your life, with your family."
man:	"I was a joiner, ...   I had a son with nails in his hands and in his feet. ..."
	Jesus start turning pale, crying and hugs the man saying :   "Father, father"
man:	"Pinocchio!"

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks - usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.   Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut; however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian nor American space programs.

Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant.   On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong.

He finally responded.   It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the back-yard.   His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbours' bedroom window.   The neighbours were Mr. and Mrs. Gorksy.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex?   Oral sex you want?   You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

Thanks to:   Michael Jungmann - By E-mail - 16 January 1997

A family (father, mother, and young boy) go to a nudist camp.   The boy walks around for a while and then sees his dad and asks,   "Dad, why do some guys have big ones and some guys have little ones?"   The father, being well endowed himself, smartly answers,   "Well, the guys with the little ones are dumb and the guys with the big ones are really smart.   "The boy says,   "Oh," and they split for a while.

A couple hours later the boy sees his father again.   His dad asks,   "Hey son, have you seen mamy?"   And the boy answers,   "Oh yeah!   I saw her talking to a real dumb guy and suddenly he was getting smarter and smarter!"

Disclaimer

The following is a collection of jokes that Alberto Nannarelli have gathered on the Net through the years.   He said that  "they are not intended to be offensive to anybody".

Bill Gates died in a car accident.   He immediately found himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call;   I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell.   After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95.   I'm going to do something I've never done before.   In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied,   "Well, what's the difference between the two?"   St. Peter said,   "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."   "Fine, but where should I go first?"   "I'll leave that up to you."   "Okay then," said Bill.   "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell.   It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.   The sun was shining; the temperature perfect.   He was very pleased.

"This is great!"  he told St. Peter.   "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"   "Fine,"   said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing.   It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm.   I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.   "Fine,"   retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."   So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.   When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?"   He asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment,   "This is awful!   This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago!   I can't believe this is happening!   What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!?!?"

"That was a demo,"   replied St. Peter.

Noah in anticipation of the biblical flood loaded his Ark with two of each animal:   two lions, two elephants, two giraffes.   It started to rain.   The water rose and the ark began its navigation.

What Noah did not consider was the huge amount of shit that all those animals produced.   After some days of navigation, poor Noah had to start to shovel the shit out of the ark.   He shovelled it again and again.

After several centuries that shit was discovered by Christopher Columbus and then called America!

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues,   "he announced to them,   "That I'm going to give you a special gift.   I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want.   "And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.   Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes,"   said the angel, winking conspiratorically.   Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said,   "Great!   Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head."

I woke up early feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought,   "I'm another year older"   but decided not to dwell on it.   So I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss and say,  "Happy birthday, dear."

All smiles, I went into breakfast, and there sat my wife reading the newspaper as usual.   She didn't say one word.   So I got myself a cup of coffee and thought,   "Oh well, she forgot.   The kids will be down in a few minutes; they will sing Happy Birthday and have a nice gift for me."

There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited.   Finally the kids came running into the kitchen yelling,   "Give me a slice of toast."   "I'm late."   Where is my coat?"   "I'm going to miss the bus."   Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for office.

When I walked in, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile and a cheerful,   "Happy birthday, boss."   She then asked if she could get me some coffee.   Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better.

Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said   "Since it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?"   Thinking it would make me feel better, I said,   "That's a good idea."

So we locked up the office, and because it was my birthday, I said,   "Why don't we drive out of town and have lunch in the country, instead of going to the usual place?"   So we drove out of town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a nice lunch.   We started driving back to town when my secretary said,   "why don't we go by my place, and I will fix you another martini?"   It sounded like a good idea, because we didn't have much to do in the office.   So we went to her apartment, and she fixed some martinis.

After a while, she said,   "If you will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable,"   and she left the room.   In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big birthday cake.   Following her were my wife and all my kids.   And there I sat with nothing on but my socks.

A nun was having a bath when one of the younger nuns walked in.   "There's a blind man to see you",   the younger nun said.   The bathing nun thought a moment, decided that as the man was blind she need not get dressed and told the young woman to let him in.

The man strode into the bathroom, looked at the naked nun and said,   "Great tits, where would you like the blinds".

Thanks to:   Alberto Nannarelli

Index

Gallagherisms

Here are some facts of life that sometimes you just have to ask  -  WHY?
Some people call them Gallagherisms (the comedian commonly uses them in his stand-up).

• Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
• Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
• Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
• Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
• Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
• Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
• Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
• Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
• Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
• Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
• Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
• Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
• Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
• Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
• Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
• Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
• Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
• What is another word for "thesaurus"?
• When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
• Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
• Why do 'tugboats push their barges?
• Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?
• Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
• Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
• Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
• Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"?
• Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
• Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
• Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
• Why is it that when you transport
  something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
• Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
• Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
• Does a fish get cramps after eating?
• How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
• How can someone "draw a blank"?
• Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
• Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
• Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
• What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
• If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
• If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
• If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
• If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
• If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
• If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
• If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
• If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
• If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have
  parking lots?
• You know how most packages say "Open here".   What is the protocol if the package says,
  "Open somewhere else"?
• You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole
  plane out of the same substance?

Index

The pleasure to be late

I WAS BORN premature and have been late ever since.

Those of you who are punctual will not know about us, the other half of the world, the latecomers.   You'll have waited for us; the chances are that you've been kept waiting by us many a time, but you won't understand.   In fact, if the true be told, you're the enemy.

Doubtless, you've seen us.   We're quite a spectacle: a vast tribe of electrified anxiety.   We glance at our watches and see despair.   You've probably noticed us leaping in and out of taxi cabs throwing notes (no time for change!).   We dodge you on the street, jumping in puddles, weaving through the traffic.   We are the strange, scuttling creatures bursting with wild eyes into restaurants, in the hope that you've waited for us.

You'll have observed us hovering nervously in every lobby and entrance hall in the world.   In theatres and cinemas you stand up as we creep along the row trying so hard not to knock your knees or tread on your toes.   And you, what do you do?   You "tut" in the dark.   You don't need to do that, we know what we've done.

But here's a curious thing: in these moments we hate ourselves so much that we have no alternative but to transfer our hatred to you, the punctilious, instead.

Here we see this aggressive lateness in action:

I'm really sorry I'm late.   -   Yes, but why are you late?   -   I just am.
But why?   -   Where have you been?   -   What've you been doing?
Do you realise how long I've been here?   -   I've been waiting for over an hour!
Does it matter?   -   Yes.   -   You should respect me enough to turn up on time.
But I'm not late on purpose.   -   Look, I'll go.   -   But you've only just arrived!   -   So you want the truth?
Yes.   -   Well, I'm late because I've made a choice.   -   A choice to be myself.
I'm the kind of person who has never been on time yet and never will be.   -   That's what I'm like.   -   Sorry!

Thanks to:   Patrick Marber

Index

Proverbs  &  Proverbi

Many hands make light work.	L'unione fa la forza.
Love is blind.	L'amore è cieco.
One cannot judge by apperance.	L'abito non fa il monaco.
The early bird catches the worm.	Chi dorme non piglia pesci.
To kill two birds with one stone.	Prendere due piccioni con una fava.
Time is money.	Il tempo è denaro.
Time and tide wait for no man.	Chi ha tempo non aspetti tempo.
Seek till you find.	Chi cerca trova.
All is well that ends well.	Tutto è bene ciò che finisce bene.
Better late than never.	Meglio tardi che mai.
Fair and softly, go far in a day.	Chi va piano va sano e va lontano.
No rose without a thorn.	Non c'è rosa senza spine.
He laughs best who laughs last.	Ride bene chi ride ultimo.
Prevention is better than cure.	È meglio prevenire che curare.
Out of sight, out of mind.	Lontano dagli occhi lontano dal cuore.
Of two evils choose the least.	Fra i due mali scegli il minore.
Charity begins at home.	Il primo prossimo e se stesso.
Grasp all, lose all.	Chi troppo vuole nulla stringe.
Forewarned is fore-armed.	Uomo avvisato, mezzo salvato.
Contentment is better than rich.	Chi è contento è ricco.
Barking dogs seldom bite.	Can che abbaia non morde.
Birds of a feather flock together.	Ogni simile ama il suo simile.
Tit for tat.	Rendere pan per focaccia.
To put the cart before the horse.	Mettere il carro davanti ai buoi.
Enough is as good as a feast.	Chi si accontenta gode.
Let sleeping dogs lie.	Non destar la coda al can che dorme.
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.	A caval donato non si guarda in bocca.
Where there is a will there is a way.	Volere e potere.
Out of the frying pan into the fire.	Cadere dalla padella alla brace.
Saying and doing are two things.	Fra il dire e il fare c'è di mezzo il mare.
All that glitters is not gold.	Non è tutto oro quello che luccica.
Make hay while the sun shines.	Battere il ferro quando è caldo.
Strike while The iron is hot.	Battere il ferro quando è caldo.
One swallow doesn't make a summer.	Una rondine non fa primavera.
You can't get blood out of a stone.	Non puoi ottenere sangue da una pietra?
who pays the piper calls the tune.	Chi paga il musicista sceglie la musica?
Every black cloud has a silver lining.	Tutte le nuvole nere hanno una linea bianca?
When the cat's away the mice will play.	Quando il gatto non è in casa il topo fa festa?
An egg today is better than a hen tomorrow.	Meglio un uovo oggi che una gallina domani.
A man is known by the company he keeps.	Dimmi con chi vai e ti dirò chi sei.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.	È meglio un fringuello in tasca che un tordo in frasca.
There's no use crying over spilt milk.
It's an ill wind that blows nobody any good.
One's man meat is another man's poison.

    Sal

Index

Definition of the ex-Jugoslavia by Pandit Nehru

The best definition of the ex-Jugoslavia, given by Pandit Nehru:

• "In this nation there are six republics:
  Slovenia, Croazia, Serbia, Bosnia-Erzegovina, Montenegro and Macedonia;

• five countries:
  Slovena, Serbia, Croat, Montenegrin, Macedone;

• four languages:
  Sloveno, Serb, Croat, and Macedone;

• three religions:
  orthodox, catholic and Muslim;

• two alphabets:
  roman alphabet and cirillico;

• just one desire:
  the indipendence".

Index

La ex-Jugoslavia definita da Pandit Nehru

La migliore definizione della ex-Jugoslavia è quella data dal Pandit Nehru:

• "In questo paese ci sono sei republiche:
  Slovenia, Croazia, Serbia, Bosnia-Erzegovina, Montenegro e Macedonia;

• cinque nazioni:
  Slovena, Serba, Croata, Montenegrina, Macedone;

• quattro lingue:
  lo sloveno, il serbo, il croato, il macedone;

• tre religioni:
  la ortodossa, la cattolica e la mussulmana;

• due alfabeti:
  l'alfabeto romano e il cirillico;

• una sola volontà:
  quella dell'indipendenza".

Index

A che cosa ci serve il tempo?

A che cosa ci serve il tempo?
Allora, nei tempi antichi,    non ne avevamo mai bisogno.
Noi ci orientavamo secondo il sorgere e il calar del sole.
Non dovevamo mai affrettarci.
Non avevamo mai bisogno di guardare l'orologio.
Non dovevamo essere al lavoro ad una determinata ora.
Noi facevamo quello che doveva essere fatto,    quando per noi era opportuno.
Ma noi stavamo attenti a farlo,    prima che il giorno volgesse al termine.
Noi avevamo più tempo,    poiché il giorno era ancora intatto.

Thanks to:   Scott Eagle, 11 anni   (Smohalla)

Index

Barzellette

 Si svolge in paradiso:

Gesù:	"Come ti chiami?"
uomo:	"Non mi ricordo"
Gesù:	"Da dove vieni?"
uomo:	"Non mi ricordo"
Gesù:	"Ma almeno parlami di cosa facevi nella vita della tua famiglia"
uomo:	"Facevo il falegname, ... avevo un figlio che aveva i chiodi nelle mani e nei piedi ..."
	Gesù sbianca, inizia a piangere e lo abbraccia dicendogli: "Papà, Papà"
uomo:	"Pinocchio!"

---

In libreria

Il cliente al commesso:	"Vorrei un libro di barzellette"
Il commesso:	"Guardi nell'ultimo scaffale c'è ne sono diverse serie ..."
Alché il cliente risentito:	"Ma che serie, io lo voglio divertente!!!"

---

Il gorilla

Una scolaresca va allo zoo e la maestra soffermandosi davanti alle gabbie da delle spiegazioni
abbastanza generiche dei vari animali.   Quando si fermano davanti a quella del gorilla, la maestra dice:
"Il gorilla è nella forma del corpo e nell'aspetto il più simile all'uomo:
sta in posizione eretta, usa le mani per manovrare utensili, ..."
Alché Pierino domanda:
"Scusi signora maestra, ma il gorilla può avere rapporti con una donna?"
La maestra imbarazzata si rivolge al guardiano:
"Scusi, uno dei miei studenti vuole sapere se il gorilla può avere rapporti con una donna?"
E il guardiano indicando il gorilla:   -   "Chi, quello? ...   ma non c'ha 'na lira!"

---

Passeggiando nel parco

Babbo e figlio (5 anni),   passeggiando nel parco, vedono 2 cani che si stanno accoppiando.
figlio:   "Papà papà che fanno quei cani?"
babbo   (imbarazzato):   "Bè ...   vedi ...   il cane che sta sopra si è fatto male ...
              e quello sotto lo sta aiutando a tornare a casa ..."
figlio:   "Eh si, è proprio vero!   Più fai del bene, e più te lo mettono nel culo!"

---

Lo spiritosone

"Io nella vita non ho mai messo la cravatta ..."
"Ma se la indossi proprio adesso?"
"Al collo!   Ma nella ... vita non l'ho mai messa."

Thanks to:   Antonio   (da Londra)

---

Era preistorica

Il padre al figlio, di fronte alla pagella.
"Posso capire che vai male in geografia, in italiano e in matematica ...
ma che vai male in storia che son due pagine ..."

---

Febbre da cavallo

Il medico al paziente:
"Ha misurato la febbre?"
"Ho tentato, dottore, ma era talmente alta che non ci sono arrivato."

---

Il papa allo stadio

Il Papa decide di assistere al derby Roma-Lazio e, vedendolo molto preso dalla partita,
un pretino che lo accompagna gli chiede:
"Santità, per chi tifate?"
"Io, figliolo, non me ne intendo, ma la Lazio con i suoi colori mi rimane più simpatica: azzurro come il cielo, bianco come le nuvole, vicine al nostro Padre Onnipotente ...   Faccio bene, secondo te, a tifare Lazio?"
"Si, però c'è da dire che la Lazio vince ogni morte di papa ..."
Allora il Papa, alzandosi in piedi e buttando le braccia al cielo:
"Ro-ma!   Ro-ma!   Ro-ma!   Ro-ma!"

---

Al bar

"Cameriere un tè senza limone"
"Non abbiamo più limoni, le andrebbe un tè senza arancia?"

---

Alla lettera

"Come mai Francesco, hai rotto la tua riga da disegno?"
"Stamattina, l'insegnante di ginnastica, alla fine della lezione ha urlato   "rompete le righe!!!"

---

Il maialino

Un agri-turista passa davanti ad una fattoria e vede un maialino con una gamba di legno.
Entra e chiede spiegazioni al contadino che risponde:
"Bè, cosa vuole che vi dica, ci siamo affezionati.   Lo mangiamo un pò per volta!!!"

Thanks to:   Patrizio   (da Napoli)

---

Noè

Come si narra: Noè in previsione del diluvio caricò sulla sua Arca 2 leoni, 2 giraffe ...   2 di tutti gli animali.   Viene la grande pioggia.   L'acqua inizia a salire, inizia la navigazione dell'Arca.

Noè non aveva considerato quanto cagano gli animali.   Allora dopo alcuni giorni di navigazione
inizia a spalare la merda e a spalare spalare ...
Dopo molti anni tutta questa merda fu scoperta da Cristoforo Colombo e poi chiamata America.

Thanks to:   Alberto Nannarelli

---

Bambine esperte

La maestra ad Elisa:
"Io compro, tu compri, egli compra, noi compriamo ..."
"Cos'è"
"È ... tempo di saldi."

---

La segretaria inesperta

Il direttore alla segretaria:
"Dovrebbe curare di più l'ortografia!"
"Ma, direttore, non ho mai sofferto di questa malattia."

---

Scioperi

"Ma non c'è stato oggi lo sciopero degli insegnanti?"
"È stato rimandato a settembre."

---

Modi di dire

"Che cosa ne pensi dell'ultima proposta di disarmo mondiale?"
"È una bomba!!!"

---

Il muratore

Un muratore cade dal primo piano di una casa in riparazione.
La gente accorre e qualcuno gli porge un bicchiere d'acqua.
Il poveretto prende il bicchiere, lo guarda, e con una voce flebile:
"Da che piano bisogna cadere per avere un bicchiere di vino?"

---

Il pirla

Un tizio è alla stazione, in attesa del treno per Domodossola.   In anticipo di venti minuti non sa cosa fare e, per ingannare il tempo, sale su una bilancia-parlante.   Mette le 500 lire e la bilancia:
"Tu sei alto un metro e settanta, pesi 65 chili, sei leggermente sottopeso e stai aspettando il treno per Domodossola."
"Il treno per Domodossola?   Ma come farà questa bilancia a sapere che sto aspettando il treno per Domodossola?"
Dopo un momento di sconcerto pensa di aver avuto una allucinazione.   Sta per andare verso il binario
quando la curiosità ha il sopravvento:
"E se fosse tutto vero?"
Allora risale sulla bilancia, rimette una moneta da 500 lire e la bilancia:
"Tu sei alto un metro e settanta, pesi 65 chili, sei leggermente sottopeso e stai aspettando il treno per Domodossola."
"Ho capito!   È tutto uno scherzo!   Dov'è la telecamera?"
Ma nulla, non succede nulla.   Deciso ad andare fino in fondo, risale sulla bilancia ma non ha più monete, allora corre dal giornalaio, si fa cambiare un euro e ci riprova:
"Tu sei alto un metro e settanta, pesi 65 chili, sei leggermente sottopeso e a forza di fare il pirla hai perso
il treno per Domodossola."

---

Le statue

Un giorno DIO, affacciatosi dalla sua nuvoletta per dare un'occhiata in giro vede in un parco due vecchie,
ma ancora ben conservate statue in marmo:
"Che bellezza, dopo 400 anni sono ancora lì, belle, bianche, hanno sfidato i secoli e sono giunte fino a
questa epoca.   Meritano di vivere!!!"
Così armato di buone intenzioni scende sulla terra ed arrivato davanti alle statue dice:
"Statue, da adesso potete vivere per mezz'ora!!!"
Infatti le statue si animano, ...   si guardano e ...   spariscono dietro ad una siepe!?
DIO non si capacita di quel comportamento fin troppo umano ed allora decide di andare a vedere.
Sorpresa ...   Le due statue stavano litigando!   così DIO chiede:
"Perché litigate?   Non siete finalmente felici?"
Una delle due statue si avvicina con un piccione in mano e dice:
"Vede, Eccellenza il fatto è che abbiamo un solo piccione"
"E allora?" ...   dice DIO
Allora, risponde la statua:
"Questa volta a cagargli in testa toccava a me!!!"

---

Alcune sui Carabinieri

Un Carabiniere arriva in caserma tenendo per mano un pinguino.
"Maresciallo ho trovato un pinguino, cosa faccio?"
"Appuntato cosa vuole che le dica, lo porti allo zoo."
Due ore dopo torna il Carabiniere sempre con il pinguino.
"Maresciallo l'ho portato allo zoo, ora dove lo porto?"

---

Due carabinieri devono recapitare un messaggio ad un contadino che sta in campagna
e quindi devono prendere stradine un pò strette.
Imboccata la strada incontrano un signore
"Ma, perché salite a marcia indietro?", chiede il signore
"Sà" risponde il carabiniere, "se poi non c'è spazio per girare, almeno ...
la discesa la facciamo più facilmente!
"Però" pensa tra sè e sè il signore "mica scemi 'sti caramba."
Dopo cinque minuti li rivede scendere sempre a marcia indietro.
"Bè" chiede esterrefatto il signore "perché ancora a marcia indietro?"
"Lo spiazzo per girare c'era ... " rispondono in coro i due carabinieri!

---

Un carabiniere irrompe nella casa della sua fidanzata urlando come una bestia:
"Fammela vedere!"
La fidanzata, stupita:
"Ma caro, ti sembra questo il modo di fare?
È una settimana che non ci vediamo e potresti anche essere più gentile, darmi un bacio ... "
"Ti ho detto di farmela vedere, subito!!!"
La fidanzata:
"Ma ... "
"Adesso, qui, fammela vedere, brutta ... "
"Va bene, ecco ... "
e si sfila la gonna.
Alché, il carabiniere:
"Fiu ..., meno male, mi avevano detto che l'avevi data via!!!"

---

Un carabiniere ad un altro: "Ma te, te la faresti la Sidney Rome?"
"No, preferisco la Parigi-Dakar!"

---

Una funga ad un fungo:
"Mi fai vedere la cappella?"   (del fungo naturalmente);
e il fungo replicò ...   "Porcina!!!"

---

"Enrico, spiegami come si fa a insegnare a nuotare alle ragazze?"
"Dunque, si prendono dolcemente per la vita, si mette l'altra mano sotto il mento e,
magari, un pò più giù, se si può ..."
"E tu pensi che così mia sorella imparerà?"
"Stupido!   Ma se è tua sorella ...   buttala nell'acqua semplicemente!"

---

Una vecchia entra in un sexy shop e chiede al commesso:
"Vorrei quel vibratore nero, quello bianco e quello rosso"
Il commesso le risponde:
"Va bene per il vibratore nero e quello bianco, ...
ma per l'estintore devo chiedere al proprietario"

---

L'istruttore alla recluta marinaio:
"Tu sei sulla nave e improvvisamente arrivano i monsoni ... "
"Io non ho paura!"   lo interrompe il giovane.
"Ma sono venti, terribili!"
"Possono essere anche cento!   Io non ho paura lo stesso."

---

Due amici si incontrano e uno è tutto fasciato, incerottato e pieno di ematomi.
"Ma cosa ti è successo?"
"Oh, lascia perdere ... è colpa del mio hobby."
"Ma che razza di hobby hai?"
"Niente, tutte le notti verso le tre faccio dei numeri di telefono a caso e poi dico:
ehi, pirla!   Indovina chi è?"
"E allora?"
"Questa settimana hanno indovinato in tre!"

Thanks to:   Autori sconosciuti???

Index

Indovinelli

Cosa mangia un cannibale a colazione?	L'ometto sbattuto
Cosa fa un pomodoro la mattina?	Salsa
Ed una patata?	Pure
Cos'è un cavillo?	Un animillo che tritta e galippa
Cos'è un bullone?	Un clepaccio plofondo plofondo
Qual è il contrario di "melodia"?	Selotenga
Qual è il contrario di "animatori"?	Ammosciavacche
Qual'è l'insetto più alcolico?	L'ape ... ritivo
Qual'è l'insetto più dolce?	L'ape ... rugina
Qual'è l'insetto del sonno?	L'ape ... nnichella
Qual'è l'insetto più pornografico?	L'ape ... corina
Qual è l'animale più veloce?	L'aquila, perché è là - qui - là
Che differenza c'è tra Pomì e Pummarò?	Pomì è passato; Pummarò è futuro
Cos'è l'appendicite?	L'attaccapanni per le scimmie di Tarzan
Come si chiama il fotografo degli extraterrestri?	Ufotografo
Pronto la S.A.I.?	No, me la racconti
Pronto portofranco?	Porta chi ti pare tanto io non ho mica paura!
Il colmo per una goccia di sangue?	Non essere in vena!
Chi va con lo zoppo	Va piano piano!
Pronto centralino?	NO!, siamo già in troppi!

Che differenza c'è tra Ilona Staller e Dixan?
Nessuna.   Tutti e due danno il meglio a 90 gradi!!!

Perché Carmen Russo porta sempre una cintura in vita?
Per dividere la latteria dalla sala giochi

Come si fa a far dire ad un elefante la parola "ELEFANTE"?
Lo si abbandona nel deserto e gli si mandano miraggi di bibite all'arancia.
Poi gli si fa aprire un frigorifero pieno di Coca-Cola e lui esclamerà:   "Ele ... Fante"?

Thanks to:   Autori sconosciuti

Index

I dieci comandamenti dell'etica dell'uso dei computer

• Non userai un computer per danneggiare altre persone.
• Non interferirai con il lavoro al computer di altre persone.
• Non ficcherai il naso nei file di altre persone.
• Non userai un computer per rubare.
• Non userai un computer per portare falsa testimonianza.
• Non userai o copierai software che non hai dovutamente pagato.
• Non userai le risorse di altri senza autorizzazione.
• Non ti approprierai del risultato del lavoro intellettuale altrui.
• Penserai alle conseguenze sociali dei programmi che scrivi.
• Userai il computer in un modo che mostri considerazione e rispetto.

I have lived in England from 1993 to 1997 where I have studied English as a foreign language and Information Technology.   In IT I have gained various qualifications and one of them is "Global Communication" Level 2, where I have learned to use the HTML language in order to build Web Pages.   In this course, one of the task of my project was to create a web page and so, I started to write these Web Pages, Italian language for English people and Bits of Fun.   Now, because I am building my new Web Site in Italian, I thought to insert these pages into the World Wide Web.

I would like to thank to:   Gateshead College   for providing me the use of computers, all the facilities and of course the server.   I am grateful to Paul Trueman for teaching me how to create a web page.   I would also like to thank the staff of Gateshead College for their always available support.   In my experience, I found myself very welcome into an environment particularly friendly and up dated in Information Technology.

I would also like to thank all my friends and not, for having sent me part of the material published in these pages.
I hope that these pages have been useful to you, and you have enjoyed this humour having had a good laugh.
I would be very grateful if you would mail me any comments, questions, suggestions and particularly corrections in order to improve my English.   Thank-you very much indeed.

Finally, I also have to thank to:   Libero Infostrada   the server, for providing me 150 Mbyte of free space to create my Web Site.

Please, mail me any comments, questions or suggestions. (salcili@libero.it)

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