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| 1. Problem: Drinking fails to give any satisfaction or taste. Front of shirt wet. Reason or Probable Cause: Mouth not open while drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face. Suggested Remedy: Buy another drink and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many drinks as necessary until drinking technique is perfected. 2. Problem: Drink fails to give any satisfaction or taste. Beer unusually pale and clear. Reason or Probable Cause: Glass Empty. Suggested Remedy: Find someone who will find you another drink. 3. Problem: Feet cold and wet. Reason or Probable Cause: Glass being held at wrong angle. Suggested Remedy: Turn glass the other way so that the open end is pointing upwards. 4. Problem: Feet warm and wet. Reason or Probable Cause: Loss of self control. Suggested Remedy: Go and stand next to the nearest dog after a while complain to the owner and demand a drink in compensation. 5. Problem: Bar blurred Reason or Probable Cause: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass. Suggested Remedy: See Remedy No. 2. 6. Problem: Bar swaying. Reason or Probable Cause: Air turbulence unusually high, maybe due to darts match in progress. Suggested Remedy: Insert broom handle down back of jacket. 7. Problem: Bar moving. Reason or Probable Cause: You are being carried out. Suggested Remedy: Find out if you are being taken to another pub. If not complain loudly that you are being hijacked. 8. Problem: You notice that the wall opposite you is covered with ceiling tiles and has light fittings in it. Reason or Probable Cause: You have fallen over backwards. Suggested Remedy: If your glass is full and no-one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not get someone to help you up and lash yourself to the bar. 9. Problem: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouthful of fag ends and broken teeth. Reason or Probable Cause: You have fallen over forwards. Suggested Remedy: As for No. 5. 10. Problem: You feel sharp pains in your rear. Reason or Probable Cause: You are standing too close to the pool table. Suggested Remedy: Ask to have the pool table moved. 11. Problem: Everything is going dark. Reason or Probable Cause: The pub is closing. Suggested Remedy: (a) Panic; (b) Go find another pub; (c) Rush to the bottle shop. 12. Problem: You wake up and find your bed hard, cold and wet and you cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling. Reason or Probable Cause: You've spent the night in the gutter. Suggested Remedy: Check your watch to see if it is opening time at the pub. If not, treat yourself to a lie in. NOTA: BRANO INVIATO DA UN VISITATORE DI WZ - AUTORE: SCONOSCIUTO - |