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| the "Coast To Coast" album |
| I bet you think those Westlife boys must have it all. The hit singles, the endless dosh, the endless girls, the adulation of millions around the world. Think they've got it pretty sweet, don't you? Well, let me tell you something! Those five lads, those poor lambs, are terribly, terribly lonely. So lonely that they spend great portions of this album telling us that "loneliness knows [them] by name", bemoaning "waking up without you", and offering to "get on [their] knees" if it'll make you stay. So complete is their misery that the English language is not rich enough to describe it, and they have to resort to Spanish on the Latin tinged (damn that Ricky Martin!) 'Soledad'. Bryan, Shane, Nicky, Mark and Kian have returned to make a ruthless assault on the hearts' of teenage girls across the land, from coast to coast. Their second album comprises 18 (18!) tracks transparently designed to make "tweenies" weak at the knees, and convince them that only they can rescue Shane from his loveless desolation. Westlife are always desolate (or at least, anticipating desolation lest "you walk away") - there are no songs about shagging groupies or being out on the pull. There aren't even any songs in which the boys are the ones tragically walking away. They're always the weeping victims, horribly wronged but bearing no grudges (because that would be a bit aggressive and scary), just soulfully begging for a reprieve. Pluck, pluck, pluck go the nation's heartstrings. When Westlife first popped their heads above the parapet in 1998, I smugly wrote them off as no-hopers. Five clean cut Irish lads so hopelessly arrhythmic (remember when boy bands were expected to dance, and not just stand behind microphones in identical suits?) that they can only sing ballads - hmm, sounds familiar. Surely we didn't need another Boyzone? But six Number 1 singles later, it seems there really is no limit to our appetite for pretty boys with average voices releasing risible cover versions, all vying to turn the charts into one great big wedding disco. 'Coast To Coast' eschews the up-tempo in favour of ballad after ballad. These range from the good ('My Love', 'What Makes A Man') to the truly, truly awful ('Close Your Eyes', 'You Make Me Feel') which will have you reeling away from the stereo, hands clamped over your ears, blood leaking from between your fingers. There are a few attempts at liveliness, notably 'When You're Looking Like That', which appears to be a stab at horny funk disco, rather like Prince circa 'U Got the Look'. It's not a bad try, but you haven't known true cringing embarrassment until you've heard Westlife singing "She's a 5 foot 10 in catsuit and Bambi eyes". Doubtless the boys will justify the mammoth length of this album by calling it a special thank-you to their fans, and, in terms of quantity, it is value for money (there's even a hidden track). But, unless you're an aficionado, and blinded by love, you can't help noticing how many nondescript fillers there are. If 'Coast to Coast' was chopped in half it could be a decent album. In it's current state, it's not a patch on their debut. The second half in particular passes in a blur of soundalike dross, hardly helped by lyrics as sparkling as "I can't believe how much I love you" (swoon! It's almost as if Shane's reaching out to me!). Clearly, a little bit more quality control in the studio would have served Westlife well here. But what do they care? As long as there are boy bands churning out melodramatic ballads, there will always be teenage girls to empathise with their pain. And I'll always need something to sing along to when I'm drunk. These lads know when they're onto a good thing. Jenny North |
| From Dotmusic Website |