L'imbarazzante inglese dell'emigrante italiano I spik inglish very uell con i curs de agusten - liberamente tratto da
un racconto di un emigrato meridionale all'estero che prova a parlare
inglese.. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock[5] I tella her, I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch![6] I dont even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch! So I go back to my room inna hotel and there are no shits onna my bed[7]. I call the managerand tella him, I wanna shit. He tella me to go to toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna shit on my bed[8] He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I dont even know the man andd she call me sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout an d the man at the desk say peace on you[9]. I say piss on you too[10], you sonna ma bitch, I gonna go back to Italy. So I go to reseptione and ask for a bill[11]. I wanna stay in this hotella no more. When I have paid ze billa, ze portier say to me: "Thank you and piss on you". So I say "Piss on you to, you sonna wa bitch. I go back in Italy. I never comma stay at your hotella no more, you sonna ma bitch!" Note alla traduzione [1] Intende hostess [2] intende two pieces [3] lui legge two pieces on
my plate (2 pezzi nel piatto) come to piss on my plate (pisciare nel piatto)
[4] non la conosce e lei gli ha già dato del figlio di zoccola!
[5] Intende forchetta (fork) ma lo pronuncia fuck! [6] Lui vuole una forchetta,
ma pronuncia come voglio fottere! [7] Vuole dire sheets (=coperte) ma
lo pronuncia come shit (=merda) [8] Vuole le coperte sul letto, ma come
lo pronuncia significa "Voglio cagare sul letto"! [9] Forma
di saluto, letteralmente pace su di te [10] Non capisce "peace"
(pace) bensì "piss" (pisciare) [11] conto Cappucciett Red: la vera storia di Cappuccietto Rosso, il cacciatore di frodo e il lupo sfigato Tant ma tant temp ago, ce stava 'na little Cappucciett Red. One mattin her mamma dissed:"Dear Cappucciett, take this cest to the nonn but warning to the lup that is very ma very kattiv! And torn prest! Good luck! And in boc at the lup!". Cappucciett didn't capl very well this ultim thing but went away, da sol, with the cest. Cammining cammining, in the cuor of the forest, at a cert punt she incontered
the lup, who dissed: Cappucciett Red, who was very ma very lent, lent un casin, continued for her sentier in the forest. The lup arrived at the house, suoned the campanel, entered, and, after saluting the nonn, magned her in a boccon. Then, after sputing the dentier, he indossed the ridicol night berret and fikked himselfin the let. When Cappucciett Red came to the fint nonn's house, suoned and entered. But when the little and a bit stupid girl saw the nonn (non was the nonn, but the lup, ricord!) dissed: "But nonn, why do you stay in let?" And the nonn-lup: "Oh, I've stort my cavigl doing aerobics!" "Oh, poor nonn!", said Cappucciett (she was more than a bit stupid, I think, wasn't she?). Then she dissed: "But... what big okks do you have? Do you bisogn some collir?" "Oh, no! It's for see you better, my dear (stupid) little girl" dissed the nonn-lup. Then Cappucciett, who was more dur than a block of marm: "But what big oreks do you have, do you have the orekkions?" And the nonn-lup: "Oh, no! It is to ascolt you better" And Cappucciett (that I think was now really rincoglionited) said: "But what big dents do you have!" And the lup, that at this point wanted to dir: "Cossi ti mai?" (maybe an expression com: to buy to you the little machine, never?) dissed: it is to magn you better! And magned really tutt quant the poor little red girl. But (ta dah!) out of the house a simpatic, curious and innocent cacciator of frodo (maybe a city near there) sented all and dissed: "Accident! A lup! Its pellicc vals a sac of solds. And so, spinted only for the compassion for the little girl, butted a terr the kils of volps, fringuells and conigls that he had ammazzed till that moment, imbracced the fucil, entered in the stanz and killed the lup. Then quarced his panz (being attent not to rovin the pellicc) and tired fora the nonn (still viv) and Cappucciett (still rincoglionited). And so, at the end, the cacciator of frodo vended the pellicc and guadagned
(Honestly) a sacc of solds. The nonn magned tutt the leccornies in the
cest. Cappucciett red... beh!, let her stay, because she had capit. And
so, everybody lived felix and content (maybe not the lup!). Cantico de' cantici - Nutella Nutellae: good 'na cifra! Once upon a time, many, many, many, ma 'na cifra of many years ago, at the beginning of the initiation of the mond, there was the caos. One day, God (God is the nome d'art of Dio), God, who was disoccupated, had a folgorant idea and so God created the Nutell. And God saw that the Nutell was good, very good, very very good, good 'na cifra. The mangiation of God was long, He manged one million of barattols of Nutell sfrutting the fact that God has not a Mamm that strills if you sbaff too much Nutell... And after this mangiation, God invented the Water Closed Run,the cors in the cabinet,and some Nutell's derivates like the red bubbons, the panz, the cellulit and ceter, and ceter. After di which (dopodiché) he invented Adamo ed Eva and all the
paradise and he diss to Adamo and Eva: During the prim temps, Adamo and Eva stetter very happy. And everyday, ognigiorn, they discovered something new.A lot of scoperts, many scoperts,many many scoperts, 'na cifra di scoperts. One day the scopert of the hot water, one day the scopert of the spaghettis, one day the cigarettes, and ceter, and ceter. But one day, a trist day, a very very trist day, trist 'na cifra, Adamo and Eva fecer the scopert of the first colazion. And after the scopert of the cappuccin, the scopert of the aranch succ,
the scopert of the cornetts, they understood that something was mancant.
"Potevamo stupirv you with special effects, but I'm God, not Fantagod!
Adamo, Eva, come here! I'm very incazz with you, very very incazz, incazz
'na cifra! How did you permit to tocc the Nutell? "Alé!" esclaimed Adamo "Thank you God, thank you,
we don't interess the cacciation dal Paradise, the important is to have
the Nutell! Infact, tutt'ogg, you can veder in the pubblicity all the ragazz that per aver one fett of pan and Nutell they scalan the mountains they stay in a tend al fredd and al gel and ceter, and ceter. But the final pensier of tutti noi is "It's meglio faticar and soffrir with the Nutell piuttost che the Terrestr Paradise senz the Nutell. |