If a girl isn't pretty like a Miss Atlantic City
All she gets from life is pity and a pat
Kindly name her a star or hasn’t won a contest or a pageant
If she hasn't, she just never gets to that
She must a-shine in every detail
Like a ring you buy in retail
Be a standard size that fits a standard dress
When a girl's incidentals are no bigger than two lentils
Then to me it doesn't smell success
From three faces that could cause you to have temporary nausea
Do I have to hear a lecture such as that?
Is her nose with deviation such a crime against the nation!
Should I throw her into jail or drown the cat?
So she looks a bit off-balanced,
She possesses golden talents
Or is that a pill too bitter to digest?
Oh she's got very nice departments, mmm!
But when they see that at the whole sum, mmm!
From the gallery they’ll be throwin’ fruit!
I have 36 expressions
Sweet as pie and tough as leather
And that's six expressions more
Than all them Barrymores put together
Instead of just kicking me why don't they give me a lift
Well, it must me a plot
'Cause they're scared that I got such a gift
Well I'm miffed
'Cause I'm the greatest star
I am by far
But no one knows it
Wait, they're gonna hear a voice
A silver flute
There'll cheer each toot
(Yeah, that kid's terrific!)
When I expose it!
Now can't you see to look at me
That I'm a natural Camille
As Camille I just feel,
I have so much to offer
(Hey listen kid I know I'd be divine because ...)
I'm a natural cougher
[couching sounds]
Some ain't got it, not a lump
I'm a great big clump of talent!
Laugh, they'll bend in half
(Did you ever hear that story about the traveling salesman?)
A thousand jokes
(Stick around for the chokes)
A thousand faces,
I reiterate
When you're gifted
Than you're gifted
These are facts I got no ax to grind
Hey, what are you blind?
In all the world so far,
I'm the greatest star
No autographs please
[spoken] Do you think beautiful girls are gonna stay in style forever
What if I say not, any minute now there' gonna be out
Finished than it'll be my turn
[sung] Who is the pip with pizezz?
Who is all ginger and jazz?
Who is as glamorous as?
Who's an American beauty rose,
With an American beauty nose,
And ten American beauty toes,
Eyes on the target and wham
One shot one gunshot and bam?
He mister Keeney here I am
I'm the greatest star
I am by far but no one knows it!
That's why I was born
I blow my horn
Till someone blows it
I'll light up like a light
Right up like a light
I'll flicker, then flare up, ah, ah!
All the world's gonna stare up
Looking down you'll never see me
Try the sky 'cause there'll be me!
I can make them cry
I can make them sigh
Some day they'll clamor for my drama
Have you guessed yet,
Who's the best yet?
If you ain't I'll tell you one more time
You bet your last dime
In all of the world so far
I am the greatest, greatest star!
LAURA!
SALLY!
CARRIE!
NORMA!
RUDY!
POLLY!
FANNY!
The roller skate rags are really up-to-date back
It's heard every place,
You'll find the clan rolls by
Pick your skates, turn your wheels
You're gonna be surprised
How your torso feels!
Oui! Oui!
Because in Paris, in gay Paris
‘Cross the sea "Zey" are bigger "zan"
None had ever used to be
Turn yo’ hips, take ‘em up
The ever lovely roller skate rag is on the top!
Keep yo’ eyes around the take
Get yo’ torso undulated
Be forever syncopated, knotty and accelerate
The ever lovely roller skate rag is on the top!
I'd rather be blue thinking of you
I'd rather be blue over you
Than be happy with somebody else
I'm crazy about'cha, without'cha
For you I'm strong.
I can't do without'cha
Howcha magoucha?
Don't stay too long.
I need a little ah, little ooh, little oh,
And I'm knocking on wood.
Ah, honey hurry up, hurry up, hurry up
It's so hard to be good
I'd rather be blue thinking of you
I'd rather be blue over you
Than be happy with somebody else
Will I be good?
Will I be bad?
Don't be a fool, you fool.
My little flat, I'm turning that
Into a Sunday school
While you're away,
I'm here to say
There'll be no iceman there.
Singin' the blues
I'm gonna use
Nothin' but Frigidaire.
I'd rather be blue thinking of you
I'd rather be blue over you
Than be happy with somebody else
Blue over you,
I'd rather be blue over you
Than be hap-hap-hap-happy
With somebody else.
CHORUS
The most beautiful bride in the world
And we are the very lucky gents
Who'll be standing at the sides
Of the scintillating brides
Florence Ziegfeld proud presents
You are a beautiful reflection
Of his loves affection
A walking illustration of his adoration
His love makes you beautiful
So beautiful, so beautiful
You ask your looking glass what is it,
That makes you so exquisite
The answer to your query
Comes back dearie
His love makes you beautiful
So beautiful, so beautiful
And woman in love is woman glorified
You'll make a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful bride...
GIRLS
The winter bride is typified
By Christmas, frost and fairies
An though the weather is changeable
Her virtue never varies
The springtime bride is story eyed,
As poets often say
No other bride would dare to dream
The dreams that April,
May,
The summer bride is glorified by Merlin's magic touch
A lucky man receives the love
Of June, July and such
The autumn bride is prude and wise
At sweet sixteen or twenty
And as a wife in future life
She'll hold the horn of plenty
And now a singing bride who vocally encompasses
The happiness and harmony
That marriage truly promises
FANNY
I am the beautiful reflection
Of my loves affection
A walking illustration
Of his adoration
CHORUS
His love makes you beautiful
So beautiful, so beautiful
FANNY
I ask my looking glass
What is it
That makes me so exquisite
CHORUS
The answer to your query
Comes back dearie
His love makes you beautiful
So beautiful, so beautiful
You are so beautiful
FANNY
I am so beautiful
CHORUS
You are so beautiful
The most beautiful bride in the world
We travel single oh
Maybe we're lucky
But I don't know
With them just let one kid fall down and seven mothers faint
I guess we're both happy,
But maybe we ain't
People,
People who need people,
Are the luckiest people in the world
We're children,
Needing other children
And yet letting a grown-up pride
Hide all the need inside
Acting more like children than children
Lovers are very special people
They're the luckiest people in the world
With one person one very special person
A feeling deep in your soul
Says you're half now you're whole
No more hunger and thirst
But first be a person
Who needs people
People who need people
Are the luckiest people in the world...
Hum...mmm...
A feeling deep in your soul
Says you were half now you're whole
No more hunger and thirst
But first be a person who needs people
People who need people
Are the luckiest people in the world...
NICK
You are woman, I am man
You are smaller,
So I can be taller than,
You are softer to the touch,
It's a feeling
I like feeling very much.
You are someone I've admired,
Still, our friendship
Leaves something to be desired.
Does it take more explanation than this?
You are woman, I am man
Let's kiss.
FANNY
Isn't this the height of nonchalance,
Furnishing a bed in restaurants?
Well, a bit of dinner never hurt,
But guess who is gonna be dessert?
Do good girls do just what mama says,
When mama's not around?
It's a feeling,
Oy vey, what a feeling.
NICK
A bit of pate?
FANNY
I drink it all day!
Should I do the things he'll tell me to?
In this pickle what would Sadie do?
In my soul I feel an inner lack,
Just suppose he wants his dinner back?
Just some dried-out toast in a sliver
On the top a...a little chopped liver.
How many girls become a sinner
While waiting for a roast beef dinner?
Though most girls slip in ordinary ways
I got style
I do it bordelaise.
Well at least you think I'm special
You ordered à la carte.
It's a feeling,
I like feeling very...
I feel the feeling down to my toes
Now I feel that there's a fire here,
Try that once a little higher, dear
What a beast to ruin such a pearl!
Would a convent take a Jewish girl?
[Laughs]
NICK
Does it take more explanation than this?
FANNY
Ooo the thrills and chills going through me
If I stop him now,
Can he sue me
NICK
You are woman.
FANNY
You are man.
NICK
Let's....
Don't tell me not to live,
Just sit and putter
Life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter
Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade
Don't tell me not to fly,
I simply got to
If someone takes a spill,
It's me and not you
Who told you you're allowed to rain on my parade
I'll march my band out,
I'll beat my drum
And if I'm fanned out,
Your turn at bat, sir
At least I didn't fake it,
Hat, sir
I guess I didn't make it
But whether I'm the rose of sheer perfection
A freckle on the nose of life's complexion
The Cinderella or the shine apple of its eye
I gotta fly once,
I gotta try once,
Only can die once, right, sir?
Ooh, life is juicy,
Juicy and you see,
I gotta have my bite, sir.
Get ready for me love,
'Cause I'm a "comer"
I simply gotta march,
My heart's a drummer
Don't bring around the cloud to rain on my parade,
I'm gonna live and live now!
Get what I want,
I know how!
One roll for the whole shebang!
One throw that bell will go clang,
Eye on the target and wham,
One shot,
One gun shot and bam!
Hey, Mr. Arnstein, here I am ...
I'll march my band out,
I will beat my drum,
And if I'm fanned out,
Your turn at bat, sir,
At least I didn't fake it,
Hat, sir,
I guess I didn't make it
Get ready for me love,
'Cause I'm a "comer"
I simply gotta march,
My heart's a drummer
Nobody, no,
Nobody, is gonna rain on my parade!
FANNY
Mrs. Arnstein, Mrs. Arnstein
What a beautiful, beautiful name
Sadie, Sadie married lady
See what's on my hand
There's nothing quite as touching
As a simple wedding band
Oh how that marriage license works
On chamber maids and hotel clerks
The honeymoon was such delight
That we got married that same night
Oh, Sadie, Sadie married lady,
Sadie, you did the trick
Not every girl can get herself
A guy who looks like Nick
To tell the truth,
It hurt my pride
The groom was prettier than the bride
Sadie, Sadie married lady that's me
We're sailing home so Rosie dear
Bring chicken-soup down to the pier
Sadie, Sadie married lady that's me
NICK
Sadie, Sadie married lady
FANNY
Meet a mortgagee,
The owner of a ice-box
NICK
With a ten year guarantee
FANNY
Oh sit me in the softest seats
Quick a cushion for my feet
Do for me, buy for me
Lift me, carry me
Finally got a guy to marry me
I do my nails,
Read up on sales
All day the records play
Than he comes home I tell him
Oy what a day I had today
I swear I do my wifely job
Just sit at home become a slob
A husband,
A house and a beautiful reflection
Of my loves affection
Sadie, Sadie married lady
That's me!
What are ya gonna do?
Shoot da swans?
These lovelies?
Can't you see when you look on me
What a lovely creature is a swan, yo hoo!
I'm all over fluffy white.
I wouldn't peck at you or bite
And have tiny twinkle toes to dance upon
Oh was that good?
So you just gotta have a swan
Or you're out of luck
‘Cause a chicken wouldn't do it
Would only cluck
And besides you couldn't say
"I saw a chicken leg ballet"
They would think you don't know nothin'
You are missing you are button
‘Cause a chicken's only good for consummate
Where upon, where upon,
Where upon, where upon
A chicken or a duck is a mistake
When you do
Swan Lake Ballet!
Funny
Did you hear that
Funny
Yeah, the guy said honey
You're a funny girl
That's me
I just keep them
In stitches
Dug out in half
And though I may be all wrong for the guy
I'm good for a laugh!
I guess it's not funny
Life is far from sunny
When the love is over
And the jokes are you
A girl
Ought to have a sense of humor
That's one thing you really need for sure
When you're a funny girl
The fellow said a funny girl
Funny,
How it ain't so funny
Funny girl...
Oh, my man I love him so
He'll never know
All my life is just despair
But I don't care
When he takes me in his arms
The world is bright all right
What's the difference if I say
I'll go away
When I know I'll come back on my knees someday
For whatever my man is
I am his forever more
Oh my man I love him so
He'll never know
All my life is just despair
But I don't care
When he takes me in his arms
The world is bright all right
What's the difference if I say
I'll go away
When I know I'll come back on my knees someday
For whatever my man is
I am his forever more
