FANNY: Listen,

I've got thirty-six expressions--

Sweet as pie to tough as leather,

And that's six expressions more

Than all them Barrymores put together.

Instead of just kicking me

Why don't they give me a lift?

It must be a plot,

'Cause they're scared that I got

Such a gift--

Well, I'm miffed--'Cause

I'm the greatest star--

I am by far, but no one knows it!

Wait, they're gonna hear a voice,

A silver flute--

ah hah, ah hah--

They'll cheer each toot

(Yay! She's terrific!)

When I expose it!

Now, can't you see to look at me

That I'm a nach'ral Camille?

As Camille I just feel

I've so much to offer.

Kid, I know I'd be divine because

I'm a nach'ral cougher. (coughs)

Some ain't got it--not a lump,

I'm a great big clump of talent!

Laugh!

They'll bend in half.

(Did you ever hear the story about the traveling salesman?)

A thousand jokes:

Stick around for the jokes,

A thousand faces.

I reiterate,

When you're gifted,

Then you're gifted,

These are facts--I got no axe to grind.

Hey, what are they--blind?

In all of the world so far

I'm the greatest star!

Who is the pip with piz-azz?

Who is all ginger and jazz?

Who is as glamorous as?

Who's an American Beauty rose

With an American Beauty nose,

And ten American Beaty toes,

Eyes on the target, and wham--

One shot, one gun shot and bam!

Hey, Mr. Ziegfeld, here I am!

I'm the greatest star, I am by far,

But no one knows it!

That's why I was born--

I'll blow my horn

Till someone blows it!

I'll light up like a light

Right up like a light

I'll flicker, then flare up

All the world's gonna stare up

Lookin' down You'll never see me--

Try the sky, 'Cause that'll be me.

I can make 'em cry,

I can make 'em sigh,

Someday they'll clamor for my dram-er.

Have you guessed yet,

Who's the best yet?

If you ain't I'll tell you one more time.

You bet your last dime

In all of the world so far

I'm the greatest, greatest star!

FANNY: Well--

I just put the kids to sleep

And swept the shack,

Took my sweet man's satchel down

And watched him pack,

I said, "Darlin', while the stove still smolders,

Unpin your woman's hair and rub her shoulders."

I threw myself across the doorway

Beggin', "Stay, sweet man, stay,"

But there's more in my man's life

Than this old hag.

It's Jelly Roll Morton, and a shiny cornet,

And jazzin' the rag!

The lady ain't been born

Can take the place of a horn,

With a cornet man.

A-goin' where there's blowin',

Trav'lin' cornet man.

Just anytime they call him

He'll leave his wife and kiddies

Sittin' with their tongues out

To play for peanuts in a dive

And blow his lungs out.

He'll hop a choo-choo on a moment's notice

To play some dates with Billy Bates

Or Rag-time Otis!

The lady ain't see light

Can give a horn a fair fight

With a cornet man

A rootin', shootin', ever-tootin'

Dapper Dan Who carries in his satchel

A powder-blue Norfolk suit,

A silver-plated wah-wah mute,

There is whiskey, gamblin'--each one is a curse,

But I'm up against a devil that's worse.

Yes, a horn is my thorn,

My trav'lin' cornet man!

Kill yourself!

Tell me about it!

Yeah! Yeah!

A powder-blue Norfolk suit,

I said a silver-plated wah-wah mute,

Oh he's shy on height,

He's short on weight,

But he's the only man can make my coffee perculate,

A Dapper Dan,

My cornet-playin' man.

TENOR: For better or for worse,

"Oh Promise Me,"

Why does ev'ry bride glow ravishingly?

Within the secret heart of ev'ry bride

These are the words repeating, repeating,

Repeating inside:

(Bing, bong, bing, bong)

You are the beautiful reflection

Of his love's affection,

A walking illustration

Of his adoration

His love makes you beautiful,

So beautiful,

So beautiful,

You ask your looking glass,

What is it?

Makes you so exquisite?

The answer to your query

Comes back, dearie--

His love makes you beautiful,

So beautiful,

So beautiful,

And woman loved is woman glorified!

You'll make a beautiful,

Beautiful,

Beautiful,

Beautiful bride!

CHORUS: Here comes the bride,

Another beautiful bride.

Ziegfeld presents her

With justifiable pride.

Fanny enters with a pillow stuffed under her bridal gown so that she appears pregnant.

FANNY: I am the beautiful reflection

Of my love's affection,

A walking illustration

Of his adoration.

His love makes me beautiful,

So beautiful,

So beautiful,

TENOR: And woman loved is woman glorified--

FANNY: I'll make a beautiful,

Beautiful,

Beautiful,

Beautiful-- I'm beautiful? Oy!

CHORUS: You are so beautiful,

You are so beautiful,

You are so beautiful,

TENOR: Such a beautiful bride.

NICK: I want to be seen, be seen with you,

With you on my arm,

To wear you like a charm,

Your glitter decorating my arm.

Now, natch'rally such proximity

Gives rumors a rise,

We'll let them analyze

What our amalgamation implies.

Oh yes,

The gossips will press,

So willing to stress

The seamy side--

Know what?

So what!

I want to be seen, be seen with you,

With you on my arm.

Let's give this town a light,

And hit it like a me-te-or-ite--tonight.

I want to be seen with you.

FANNY: The moon over mother's saloon,

Have a nice macaroon

I'll buy you a light beer.

NICK: Right, dear.

BOTH: I want to be seen, be seen with you,

NICK: With you on my arm.

Let's give this town a light

And hit it like a me-te-or-ite--

BOTH: Tonight--I want to be seen with,

NICK: Oh, please let me be seen with,

FANNY: And I would like to be seen with

BOTH: I want to be seen with you.

We travel single-oh

Maybe we're lucky, but I don't know--

With them,

Just let one kid fall down

And seven mothers faint.

I guess we're both happy, but maybe--

We ain't.

People--people who need people

Are the luckiest people in the world,

We're children, needing other children

And yet letting our grown-up pride

Hide all the need inside,

Acting more like children

Than children.

Lovers are very special people,

They're the luckiest people

In the world.

With one person,

One very special person

A feeling deep in your soul

Says you were half,

Now you're whole.

No more

Hunger and thirst

But first be a person

Who needs people.

People who need people

Are the luckiest people

In the world!

NICK: You are woman,

I am man,

You are smaller, so I can be taller than,

You are softer to the touch,

It's a feeling I like feeling very much.

You are someone I've admired,

Still, our friendship

Leaves something to be desired.

Does it take more explanation than this?

You are woman, I am man--

Let's kiss.

FANNY: Isn't this the height of nonchalance,

Furnishing a bed in restaurants?

Well, a bit of dinner never hurt,

But guess who is gonna be dessert?

Do good girls do just what mama says,

When mama's not around?

It's a feeling,

Oy vey, what a feeling.

NICK: A bit of paté?

FANNY: I drink it all day.

Should I do the things he'll tell me to?

In this pickle what would Nellie do?

In my soul I feel an inner lack,

Just suppose he wants his dinner back?

BOTH: Does it take more explanation than this?

FANNY: Just some dried-out toast in a sliver,

On the top a little chopped liver.

How many girls become a sinner

While waiting for a roast beef dinner?

Though most girls slip in ordinary ways

I got style--I do it bordelaise.

Well, at least he thinks I'm special --

He ordered a la carte.

It's a feeling

I like feeling very . . .

I feel the feeling down to my toes.

Now I feel that there's a fire here,

Try that once a little higher, dear,

What a beast to ruin such a pearl,

Would a convent take a Jewish girl?

BOTH: Does it take more explanation than this?

FANNY: Ooo, the thrills and chills goin' through me,

If I stop him now,

Can he sue me?

NICK: You are woman . . .

FANNY: You are man . . .

BOTH: Let's kiss!

Don't tell me not to live,

Just sit and putter,

Life's candy and the sun's

A ball of butter.

Don't bring around a cloud

To rain on my parade.

Don't tell me not to fly--

I've simply got to.

If someone takes a spill,

It's me and not you.

Who told you you're allowed

To rain on my parade!

I'll march my band out,

I'll beat my drum,

And if I'm fanned out,

Your turn at bat, sir.

At least I didn't fake it.

Hat, sir,

I guess I didn't make it!

But whether I'm the rose

Of sheer perfection,

Or freckle on the nose

Of life's complexion,

The cinder or the shiny apple of its eye,

I gotta fly once,

I gotta try once,

Only can die once, right, sir?

Ooh, love is juicy,

Juicy, and you see

I gotta have my bite, sir!

Get ready for me, love,

'Cause I'm a "comer,"

I simply gotta march,

My heart's a drummer.

Don't bring around a cloud

To rain on my parade!

I'm gonna live and live now,

Get what I want--I know how,

One roll for the whole shebang,

One throw, that bell will go clang,

Eye on the target--and wham--

One shot, one gun shot, and bam--

Hey, Mister Arnstein, here I am!

I'll march my band out,

I will beat my drum,

And if I'm fanned out,

Your turn at bat, sir,

At least I didn't fake it.

Hat, sir,

I guess I didn't make it.

Get ready for me, love,

'Cause I'm a "comer,"

I simply gotta march,

My heart's a drummer.

Nobody, no, nobody

Is gonna rain on my parade!

FANNY: I'm Sadie,

Sadie, married lady,

Bow when I go by.

I'm a corporation now,

Not me, myself and I.

Oh how that marriage license works

On chambermaids and hotel clerks.

The honeymoon was such delight

That we got married that same night.

I'm Sadie, Sadie, married lady,

Still in bed at noon,

Racking my brain deciding

Between orange juice and prune.

Nick says nothing is too good for me,

And who am I not to agree?

I'm Sadie, Sadie, married lady,

that's me!

ALL: She's Sadie, Sadie, married lady,

FANNY: Meet a mortgagee,

ALLl: The owner of an icebox

FANNY: With a ten-year guarantee.

Oh, sit me in the softest seat,

Quick, a cushion for my feet.

Do for me, buy for me, lift me, carry me,

Finally got a guy to marry me!

I do my nails,

Read up on sales,

All day the records play.

Then he comes home, I tell him

Oy--what a day I had today!

I swear I'll do my wifely job,

Just sit at home--become a slob!

I'm Sadie, Sadie, married lady, that's me!

ALL: She's Sadie, Sadie, married lady,

BOYS: Sadie, you did the trick.

FANNY: It's nothing!

GIRLS: Not ev'ry girl can get herself

A guy who looks like Nick.

FANNY: Wait, to tell the truth, it hurt my pride--

The groom was prettier than the bride.

ALL: Sadie, Sadie, married lady,

FANNY: Husband, house, a mortgage, a baby,

ALL: Sadie, Sadie, married lady,

FANNY: That's who?

ALL: That's you.

FANNY: That's me--married lady.

ALL: Say hello to Ziegfeld's married lady--Sadie!

EDDIE: Our boys went rat-tat-tat-tat,

Rat-tat-tat-tat,

And shot the Kaiser where he sat-tat-tat-at.

With every poppity-pop,

Some Kraut took a drop.

American boys are all such straight shooters--

We'll take care of him,

Mother, When he comes home from the war.

We'll take care of him,

Mother, We'll do everything that you would do--yeah--and more.

Rat-tat-tat-tat,

We'll give their backs a big pat.

They deserve a future full of joys

'Cause they're our Yankee Doodle,

Yankee Doodle, Yankee Doodle, Doughboys.

Company--Order--Arms--Roll Call-- Company:

I'm Private Jones from Arkansas,

I'm Private Smith from Kansas,

I'm Private Ryan from Maine,

I'm Private Burke from Wisconsin,

I'm Private O'Brien from Texas,

I'm Private Muntz from Michigan,

FANNY: I'm Private Schvartz from Rock-a-way,

And I guess you heard reports

That the Kaiser runs a block away

When they tell him, here comes Schvartz,

'Cause ven I get mad, believe it, Jack,

Out from nowhere comes a maniac,

A kick in the foot,

A shot in the pants--

I wouldn't give a second chance.

Schvartz from Rock-a-way.

CHORUS: Private Schwartz Private Schwartz

Private Schwartz from Rock-a-way.

FANNY: I met Mademoiselle from Armentieres

And my bagels gave a spin (oy, yoy),

She said, Private Schvartz,

Come closer, dear!

What a tzimmis I got in!

Ven you're fighting for democracy,

Call on Irving Schvartz and company,

I'm through and through

Red, white and bluish, I talk this way

Because I'm British.

Tell Far Rock-a-way, don't pull the dock away,

'Cause sailing home is General Schvartz.

ALL: Rat-ta ta ta ta tat,

We'll give their backs a big pat.

They deserve a great big medal

And a loud huzzah,

Over here and over there

You'll hear Rat-tat a tat tat, Rat-tat a tat tat, Rat tat a tat tat tat,

That's our Yankee Doodle, Yankee Doodle

Rat tat a tat tat tat

Hurrah.

Who are you now,

Now that you're mine?

Are you something more

Than you were before?

Are you warmer in the rain,

Are you stronger for my touch,

Am I giving too little

By my lovin' you too much?

How is the view,

Sunny and green?

How do you compare it to

The views you've seen?

I know I am better, braver and surer too,

But you--are you now--

Who are you now?

Are you someone better for my love?

I add two and two, the most simple addition,

Then swear that the figures are lying,

I'm a much better comic than mathematician

'Cause I'm better on stage than at intermission,

And as far as the man is concerned,

If I've been burned,

I haven't learned.

I know he's around when the sky and the ground start in ringing,

I know that he's near by the thunder I hear in advance,

His words--his words alone--

Are the words that can start my heart singing,

And his is the only music that makes me dance.

He'll sleep and he'll rise,

n the light of two eyes that adore him.

Bore him it might, but he won't leave my sight for a glance.

In ev'ry way, ev'ry day,

I need less of myself and need more him--more him,

'Cause his is the only music that makes me dance,

'Cause his is the only music that makes me dance.

I'll march my band out,

I'll beat my drum,

Guess we didn't make it,

At least I didn't fake it.

Don't tell me not to live,

Just sit and putter,

Life's candy; the sun's

A ball of butter.

Don't bring around a cloud

To rain on my parade.

I'm gonna live and live now,

Get what I want I know how,

All that the law will allow.

Hey, gorgeous, here we go again.

Well, here it goes, kid,

No lookin' back,

Stiff upper nose, kid,

Let's give 'em hell, Brice,

We'll cry a little later,

Well, Brice, that's life in the the-a-ter!

Get ready for me, world,

'Cause I'm a "comer,"

I simply gotta march,

My heart's a drummer.

Nobody, no, nobody Is gonna rain on my parade.