Note: This is the very first AS fiction I write... I'm not sure this translation gives the exact idea of what I wanted to say... There might be many mistakes as well. I translated it because there's a friend of mine that loves Astaroth, but then she just speaks English and she wanted to read it. If you find anything wrong on it, please write me and tell me. I hope you like it, this idea of Astaroth is maybe strange, but I've always seen him as a real fragile person and, at the same time, evil...
***
It
is the first time that the vision of blood gives me nuisance and impresses me;
it is the first time that I feel nausea.
So
strange, what I have always wanted became true, the sight of your blood running,
the dream that becomes reality. And yet I found it disgusting, I found it
terrorizing but, above all, I found it sad.
I
have always thought that having you inside me was like having a disease, a dirty
parasite that eats me and survives stealing me strength. Has it always been like
this, stupid sister without autonomy, without life or self-sufficiency? You were
installed in my conscience and, there, you pervaded myself: the more I tried to
run away and kill you, the more you were growing in me and were permeating my
essence.
Coward.
You
found in me a hiding-place and now you left me. You have used me and, now, left
me alone. Stupid sister, I see, finally, your human blood, finally I don’t see
you snake-shaped and, in the one moment I can seize you in, I have lost you for
forever.
I
hated God with all myself because he has been the cause of my madness; I hated
and hate him because, for a game, he had destroyed me. He let you be born weak
and fragile, entrusted your soul to me and I was forced to receive it, but I
already loved it. The creator, then, wasn’t glad to have deprived you of a
body and to have deprived me of an integral identity, what did He do? He yields you
inaccessible to me. So near and yet, for nothing in the world, caressable. I
went insane, it is true, I couldn’t bare the forced union at first and then the consciousness that you could have never be mine, only mine. While the
madness was winning every resistance of mine, I was pretending to own you by
preventing you from going out of this labyrinth. I wanted you to be mine, stupid
and fragile, useless as you were and yet indispensable.
I
hate you because now you are far, because you took away from me the only
consolation that I had left: to smell your perfume when I was coming back to my human
shape, take your reptile body in my hands and take care of it as the most
precious thing in the world. I hate you because you are undefended and weak,
because you neither have power nor nerve. I hate you because I wouldn’t want
to say these things, but I have to because they’re so spontaneous and I’m
not able to shut them down.
I
hate because I love you.
I
love you because it has always been like this, because you are me and at the
same time you are so different. Because I want to defend you and to protect you,
because in the dreams, the only place where you were with me and not in me, I
was happy.
Have
you ever known you were my reason to be? I am a demon, I adore death, I serve
terror that through my hands takes form and through my lips takes voice and
laughs, but what I would have liked to see was not your blood. I wanted to save
you from me, wanted to love you, I only wanted to be with you.
Are
you satisfied, God, are you satisfied that in this forgotten place your master
plan became true? Maybe you are happy, now, that my duchess died for me?
Stupid,
that is what you are, stupid because you could have lived. If you had done it to
show your love to me, you are even more foolish, because I have no sense, at
this time. And now I wonder where you are, in the valleys of Ade, maybe, or
maybe dust in the air. Steal the body of a mortal and come back to me, kill
whoever pleases you and take over him, but get back here. If you do not want to
dirty your hands, because you can’t, I do it for you. If you want a son, come
back to me, have him from me and don’t make him an illusion. Because I had
lived and I had died in an illusion, you that were my favourite one should know it
well.