English jokes

There was a farmer who grew watermellons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermellon patch at night and eat his watermellons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read: "Warning! One of the watermellons in this field has been injected with cyanide."  The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermellons are missing, but the sign next to his read: "Now there are two!!!"

One day a farmer in Louisiana was counting his money. He had done pretty well with the cotton crop that fall, so he decided to go to Texas and celebrate. He got off the bus in Fort Worth, and asked, "Where's a good place to eat?" A man said, "Right down the road is a men's club." The farmer didn't realize they had a swimming pool, a work-out room, indoor squash, and racquetball. He just walked to the restaurant door and said to the waitress, "Lady, bring me a steak and a coke." The waitress brought out a mug that was 12 inches in diameter and 1 1/2 feet tall. The farmer said, "I just wanted a coke, not the whole factory!" She said, "Mister, this is Texas and everything's bigger in Texas." Soon she came back with his steak, and it hung over all sides of a huge Sizzling platter. He said, "Lady, I just wanted a steak, not the whole cow!" She said, "Mister, this is Texas, and everything's bigger in Texas."  He finally finished his meal and asked the waitress, "Which way to the restroom?" She said, "It's down the hall, third door on the right." The farmer absentmindedly turned into the third door on the left and, with one step, fell into the swimming pool. "Help! Help!" he screamed. "Don't flush it!"

A Texan in Australia A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".  Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"? The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several well-to-do guests attend. While the party ensues, two gardeners are out on the back lawn working. One of the guests was watching the gardeners do their thing, and while one gardener was busy weeding the other jumped up and did graceful swirling dance movements. Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, 'That man is such a talented dancer, that I'd pay him a hundred pounds to demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics class!' When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, 'Hey Fred! Do you think for a hundred pounds you could step on that rake again?'

 "Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

 "Yes, sir," the clerk replied.

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota sir." "Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." Really replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!" The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

Three guys are sitting on a building, a white guy ,mexican and a black, all are getting drunk and watching their empty bottles break as they drop them. then the white says "i bet you two that i can jump off this building and the wind current will blow me back up and set me right back where i was sitting." So the guy jumps, and sure enough the wind brought him back to where he was. Then the black guy says,"well if a white guy can do that a black guy can do it."So he jumps and he keeps falling and falling and finally SPLAT!!!!.....Then the mexican turns and says, man you play some messed up jokes when you're drunk superman...........

Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

 "Forty Niners' fan saves friend from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook.

 "But I'm not a Niners fan," the boy replies.

 "Oakland Raiders' fan rescues friend from horrific attack," the reporter starts again. "I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy says. "Then what are you?" the reporter says.

 "I'm a Cowboys fan!!!"

 The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet."

A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud", and then he would swerve back on the road. As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"   The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.   "I'll give you a lift."  The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud." Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer."  The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."

One day a man decides he wants to take up a new hobby. So he goes to a local sports shop and sees a duck hunting magazine and thinks to himself that it would be a challenge. So he goes out and buys all the stuff for duck hunting.  The man goes to a remote area and lays his fake ducks out on the pond nearby. He hides in the tall grass and pulls out his duck whistle and starts blowing. All of a sudden there are dozens of ducks flying by and he starts to shoot at them. He does this serveral times that day. At the end of the day he feels good about his new hobby and starts to look for all the ducks that he shot down. After collecting all the ducks the man heads back to his car and out of nowhere a park ranger appears and says to the man "hello sir, how are you doing today?" The man says proudly, with his chest sticking out "I'm doing great!! It's my first time duck hunting and if you don't mind me saying it was a real challenge, I was even able to bag quite a few ducks today!" The ranger pauses and askes the man if he could see his duck hunting license. "Sure no poblem" the man says "May I take a look at those ducks?" the ranger says politely "Sure, they're real beauties....help yourself" replied the man.  So the ranger puts on some gloves and takes out the first duck... he then proceeds to put his finger up the ducks ass. He looks at the man and says "Hmmmm... this duck is from Montana". The man is confused and thinks to himself that this ranger is weird. The ranger asks the man if he has a tag for hunting ducks in Montana on his license. "No" the man says nervously. So the ranger says "I'm sorry but I'm gonna have too give you a $1000 citation".  Upset and confused the man doesn't say anything, he's shocked. So the ranger takes another duck out of the man's bag and again sticks his finger up the ducks ass. "Hmmmm... this duck is from Florida, do you have a tag for that?" the ranger says to the man. The man turns furousily red and replies "NO!" "Well I guess I'm afraid that's another $1000 citation that I have to issue you." the ranger replies.  By this time the man is completely baffled and has never heard such bullshit before. The ranger finally takes the last duck out of the bag and puts his finger up the ducks ass. "Hmmm... this duck is from Colorado, I suppose you don't have a tag for that either?" the ranger says to the man. "NOOOO", shouts the man. "Well I guess I'm gonna have to give you three citations today sir." replies the ranger. As the ranger pulls out his ticket book and starts writing the man's citation, he says to the man... "You must be new to this area, where are you from?"  The man steaming pulls his pants down and shouts...."WHY DON'T YOU PUT YOUR FINGER UP MY ASS AND FIND OUT!!!"

ATTENZIONE: SE SEI ARRIVATO QUI CON UN MOTORE DI RICERCA POTRESTI NON VEDERE I FRAMES, INDISPENSABILI PER NAVIGARE IN QUESTO SITO: CLICCA QUI PER ATTIVARLI!