Malebrain
Femalebrain Jokes
Text jokes
Exe jokes Hot or cold?
Bonus (save as bonus.exe)
Nine Types of Computer Users
Up & Down..(save as ud.exe)
Evolution of a programmer
Water (save as water.exe)
Windsnow (save as snow.exe)
Image jokes
40oF Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.
35oF Italian cars don't start.
32oF Water freezes.
30oF You can see your breath. Politicians begin to worry
about the Homeless.
25oF Boston water freezes. Cat insists on sleeping on your bed
with you.
20oF Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream. You
can hear your breath.
15oF N.Y. City water freezes. Politicians begin to talk aobut the
homeless.
12oF You plan a vacation to Mexico.
10oF Too cold to snow
5oF You need jumper cables to get the car going. Cat insists on
sleeping in your bed with
you.
3oF You plan a vacation in Houston.
0oF Too cold to skate. American cars don't start.
-5oF You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.
-10oF Too cold to think. Politicians actually do something
about the homeless.
-15oF Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you. You need
jumper cables to get the
driver going.
-20oF You plan a 2-week hot bath.
-25oF The mighty Monongahela freezes. Japanese cars don't start.
-30oF Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button...
Below -30oF The kids call home from
college.
End of the world...
1) El Explicito - "I tried the thing, ya know,
and it worked, ya know, but now it doesn't, ya know?"
Advantages: Provides interesting communication challanges.
Disadvantages: So do chimps.
Symptoms: Complete inability to use proper nouns
2) Mad Bomber - "Well, I hit ALT-f6, shift-f8, CNTRL-f10, f4, f9, and now it looks all weird."
Advantages: Will try to find own solution to problems.
Disadvantages: User might have translated document to Navajo without meaning to.
Symptoms: More than six stopped jobs in UNIX, a 2:1 code-to-letter ratio in
WordPerfect
3) Frying Pan/Fire Tactician - "It didn't work with the data set we had, so I fed in my aunt's recipe for key lime pie."
Advantages: Will usually fix error.
Disadvantages: 'Fix' is defined VERY loosely here.
Symptoms: A tendancy to delete lines that get errors instead of fixing them.
4) Shaman - "Last week, when the moon was full, the clouds were thick, and formahaut was above the horizon, I typed f77, and lo, it did compile."
Advantages: Gives insight into primative mythology.
Disadvantages: Few scons are anthropology majors.
Symptoms: Frequent questions about irrelavent objects.
5) X-user - "Will you look at those. . .um,
that resolution, quite impressive, really."
Advantages: Using the cutting-edge in graphics technology.
Disadvantages: Has little or no idea how to use the cutting-edge in graphics
technology.
Symptoms: Fuzzy hands, blindness
6) Miracle Worker - "But it read a file from it yesterday!" 'Sir, at a guess, this disk has been swollowed and regurgitated.' "But I did that a month ago, and it read a file from it yesterday!"
Advantages: Apparently has remarkable luck when you aren't around.
Disadvantages: People complain when scons actually use the word 'horse-puckey'.
Symptoms: Loses all ability to do impossible when you're around. Must be the
kryptonite in your pocket.
7) Taskmaster - "Well, this is a file in MacWrite. Do you know how I can upload it to MUSIC, transfer it over to UNIX from there, download it onto an IBM, convert it to WordPerfect, and put it in three-column format?"
Advantages: Bold new challanges.
Disadvantages: Makes one wish to be a garbage collector.
Symptoms: An inability to keep quiet. Strong tendancies to make machines do
things
they don't want to do.
8) Maestro - "Well, first I sat down, like this. Then I logged on, like this, and after that, I typed in my password, like this, and after that I edited my file, like this, and after that I went to this line here, like this, and after that I picked my nose, like this. . ."
Advantages: Willing to show you exactly what they did to get an error.
Disadvantages: For as long as five or six hours.
Symptoms:
Selective deafness to the phrases, "Right, right, okay, but what was the
ERROR?", and a strong fondness for the phrase, "Well, I'm getting to that."
9) Princess - (unfair, perhaps, as these tend, overwhelmingly, to be males) - "I need a Mac, and someone's got the one I like reserved, would you please garrote him and put him in the paper recycling bin?"
Advantages: Flatters you with their high standards for your service.
Disadvantages: Impresses you with their obliviousness to other people on this
planet.
Symptoms: Inability to communicate except by complaining.
High school
10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END
First year of University
program Hello(input, output)
begin
writeln('Hello World')
end
Last years of University
(defun hello
(print
(cons 'Hello (list 'World))))
New-gratuated
#include <stdio.h>
void main(void)
{
char *message[] = {"Hello ", "World"};
int i;
for(i = 0; i < 2; ++i)
printf("%s", message[i]);
printf("\n");
}
Made Professional
#include <iostream.h>
#include <string.h>
class string
{
private:
int size;
char *ptr;
public:
string() : size(0), ptr(new char('\0')) {}
string(const string &s) : size(s.size)
{
ptr = new char[size + 1];
strcpy(ptr, s.ptr);
}
~string()
{
delete [] ptr;
}
friend ostream &operator <<(ostream &, const string &);
string &operator=(const char *);
};
ostream &operator<<(ostream &stream, const string &s)
{
return(stream << s.ptr);
}
string &string::operator=(const char *chrs)
{
if (this != &chrs)
{
delete [] ptr;
size = strlen(chrs);
ptr = new char[size + 1];
strcpy(ptr, chrs);
}
return(*this);
}
int main()
{
string str;
str
= "Hello World";
cout << str << endl;
return(0);
}
Apprentice
Hacker
#!/usr/local/bin/perl
$msg="Hello, world.\n";
if
($#ARGV >= 0) {
while(defined($arg=shift(@ARGV))) {
$outfilename = $arg;
open(FILE, ">" . $outfilename) || die "Can't write $arg: $!\n";
print (FILE $msg);
close(FILE) || die "Can't close $arg: $!\n";
}
} else {
print ($msg);
}
1;
Expert
Hacker
#include
<stdio.h>
#define S
"Hello, World\n"
main(){exit(printf(S) == strlen(S) ? 0 : 1);}
MAde
Hacker
% cc -o
a.out ~/src/misc/hw/hw.c
% a.out
Guru
Hacker
% cat
Hello,
world.
^D
New
manager
10 PRINT
"HELLO WORLD"
20 END
Company
executive
mail -s "Hello, world." bob@b12
Bob,
could you please write me a program that prints "Hello, world."?
I need it
by tomorrow.
^D
General
manager
% zmail
jim
I
need a "Hello, world." program by this afternoon.
Managing
director
% letter
letter:
Command not found.
% mail
To: ^X ^F
^C
% help
mail
help:
Command not found.
% damn!
!: Event
unrecognized
% logout
